When Jacqueline Elman pitched me on this topic, I honestly wasn’t sure if if you ladies would go for it. But then, I thought “Hey, let’s bring the cat outta the bag and (in the words of Linda Richman), talk amongst ourselves.”
Still in my Mike Myers, Linda Richman New York accent, “I’ll give you a topic. Would you pencil-in and “schedule” sex in your marriage? Discuss!”
By Jacqueline Elman
People always say that you never really know what goes on behind closed doors, which always makes you wonder– what goes on behind closed doors in the average marriage? It makes you question whether things in your own relationship are “normal.” I think one of the biggest questions is, “how often do most married couples have sex?”
At first I questioned whether or not I should just dive right into this topic, but then I thought a few things: (1) a healthy marriage is so fundamental to the happiness of the rest of my life (and the whole family), (2) most of us find that time with our spouse slips on the priority list and often takes a backseat to more practical, everyday life tasks, and (3) my husband wanted to write an entire book entitled “Monday, Wednesday & Saturday” (or it could be “Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday – depending upon that season’s TV line-up) because he thinks our scheduled “date nights” are so great.
So I thought, why the heck not? I also thought that by writing about this topic, I could perhaps help a few other marriages out there… because it’s definitely working in mine. No, I’m no Dr. Ruth or any kind of sex expert, just a happy, fulfilled wife offering you perhaps, a new approach. 🙂
My husband and I have “date night” 3 times a week (and for those of you who can’t read between the lines, that means we have scheduled “sex nights” 3 times a week). We look at it like a contract – neither one of us will break the commitment unless we absolutely have to (i.e. one of us is traveling for work, one of us is sick, etc.). Now I am VERY much a planner – total A-type personality. My husband on the other hand, totally NOT a planner and can’t stand if I try to make plans well ahead of time in pretty much any other aspect of our life.
We first established our little schedule because with very small children, I was often not only too tired, but also still in “mommy mode,” and had a hard time making the switch in my head to “mistress mode.” My husband, however, never seemed to have to switch modes – he was always there! So I made the suggestion of planning things out- I think at first he may have been resistant (can’t fully recollect since it’s been a few years now and my foggy working mommy brain can’t hold on to so many details), but then, guess what? Not only did it work, but he now thinks the idea is BRILLIANT. So brilliant in fact, that he wanted to write a book about it (ya, right, as if that was going to happen).
Let me tell you why it works… firstly, it avoids disappointment on his end – I won’t ever say “no” on a date night. Secondly, on non-date nights he can’t make me feel bad about taking some time for myself (like reading my book or watching bad TV). Thirdly (and most importantly), it maintains the closeness and intimacy, so crucial to our relationship. And this then equates to a happier and healthier home life for both us and our children.
From my husband’s perspective, he feels that knowing it’s a date night ahead of time, he can think about it during his stressful day and have something to look forward to. We also has another secret… if he helps me transition from “working mommy mode” to “mistress mode,” he will definitely get the best of me! So on date night, he helps me relax and switch modes by giving me a wonderful neck, shoulder & head massage. Yes, I know I am extremely lucky and I really, really appreciate it.
Now some of you may question the spontaneity of the whole situation and whether it takes the “romance” out of the relationship. But honestly, does real-life really run on romance? When you live such a busy life and have so many competing priorities, is it even possible to live as you did when you were dating? In my opinion, not likely. It may definitely take some getting used to, but once you do, it absolutely changes the dynamics of your marriage and your family life. Sex after all is a great workout, helps you decrease stress, helps you sleep better and overall contributes to better health… so why not???
Here are some quick tips to help get you started in creating your very own “date nights”:
- Decide with your spouse/partner how many times per week you want to have sex
- Choose the nights you feel will work best
- Set the scene a bit… have a glass of wine or a hot bath (or both)
- Relax and TALK to each other – something else that we often forget to do in our busy lives is to really talk to one another (and not about the day-to-day things)
- Do something nice for one another
- And then have some great sex!
Wishing you all some hot date nights ahead.
Jacqueline Stein-Elman is a 47 yr old working mom whose goal is to pack as much into life as possible, while still remaining sane (somewhat!) and avoiding burnout. She’s a self-proclaimed over-achiever who tries to find balance in the crazy world of “having it all.” From law school to Culinary School, and now an executive in Marketing and E-Commerce, Jacqueline is a strong believer in supporting fellow moms and letting them know that they are not alone in this crazy challenge called motherhood.
WOW! Ladies, what do you think about scheduling “date nights,” I mean sex sessions, 3x per week? Is it a great idea, or a spontaneity crusher? Would you be open to the idea? Share with our community. Let’s get this conversation going! It is MOTIVATION MONDAY AFTER ALL!! 😉