I have just come off of a great run of speaking engagements from the past few weeks. Most recently, this weekend I was the closing Keynote Speaker for the Women’s Entrepreneurship Conference in Saskatchewan, and yesterday, I spoke at the famous 140 / State of Now Conference (Social Media Twitter Conference that travels around the world). My topic: Why it’s Good To Fail.

I encourage you to watch my talk. It is only 10 minutes.

Have you ever failed?

No one likes to talk about failure, but what I know as truth, is that it’s a prerequisite for success. It’s homework for living.

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• 23 Secrets To Improve Your Life
• I’m Leaving On A Jet Plane… For Oprah!
• Erica Diamond’s 5-Step Career Tune-Up on Canada AM
• A Year In Review: Highs, Lows and Everything In Between
• INTERVIEW: Michelle Rivera with Erica Diamond, Editor-In-Chief of ‘Women On The Fence’

By Guest Blogger Laurie Gerber

I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and so far neither of us has cheated. We have something really great, but if you read my blog, you’d know it wasn’t always so good. We had our troubles and issues in our marriage, same as all couples. I will tell you that it is what we chose to do about our issues, that has kept our love thriving and our marriage hot. Prepare to change your thinking!

People get frustrated with keeping love alive, partly because they’ve been conditioned by movies and common culture to believe that with the “right” person, all the romance and spark will appear “naturally.” I teach a different story. Love and romance usually come easily when we’re young or when the relationship is young. After that, it takes work. Don’t view that as an injustice or a burden, but rather an opportunity to grow up and take charge of your life.

First, accept that it is your job to keep love and intimacy alive (for your happiness and to prevent cheating), and that it’s a privilege and a fun game to do so. Then, use my tips below to figure out what’s missing and how to build your relationship. Hint! It’s mainly about regular, open communication and connection. But I don’t want to spoil the surprise, so read on!

1. Give your spouse the power to please you sexually and otherwise. 

It’s really important that your partner pleases you and knows that he does. Many people withhold pleasure on purpose, as a way to control their partner, or get back at their partner. We learned this at a young age when we’d throw a tantrum to try and get candy or attention from our parents. Withholding your happiness until you get what you want will only get you a messy, teary power struggle where name-calling and blaming will occur.

For years, I used this tactic on my husband. Not just sexually, but everywhere. He couldn’t drive right, do chores right, have conversations right, or “loosen me up” in bed. How convenient that my satisfaction was all HIS problem and failure. Once I grew up about this, I made my happiness and pleasure MY challenge to solve, and then life got much better for both of us. I now know it’s my job to like what my husband does, or find a great and graceful way to tweak it.

You get more bees with honey. This goes for your marriage too.

2. Make regular time together and treat it as sacred.

Every night, during regular face time with my husband, we have a ritual of asking questions that are designed to cause intimacy. We share things like: what we’re proud of in our marriage, successes, connections with others, when we played the victim, what we love about the other, what bad traits came up and everything we don’t want to say. We also re-assess our wedding vows and rewrite them every year on our anniversary, and then we give ourselves grades on how we are doing at keeping them each week during our nightly ritual.

This year, I promised to listen more deeply than ever and to consciously enjoy our marriage more. He promised to make eye contact and better manage his time for the sake of our family. See? We invent new and fun conversations about life, and our love, that are just ours, and that is what keeps us connected. (And you can, too.)

Connection is the road to all things great in your marriage.

3. Respect each other sexuality.

My husband is allowed to like what he likes sexually, so there is no sneaking. Even if I don’t want to do everything he likes (and vice versa), there is no shaming about any of it. Those topics are sacred and protected. If that is not the case in your partnership, please take a good hard look at why not. I had to do plenty of work on myself to understand that I am not the same as my partner, I don’t have to be, and none of it is personal (unless it is).

4. Make your spouse your HERO.

I am now in the business of finding what I love about my partner rather than focusing on what doesn’t work. I like to catch him being my hero. Whatever quality you want to see more of in your partner, start seeing it, and acknowledging it. I recommend you write down all the times you “catch” what you want to see.

5. Get involved in each other’s lives.

Do you know what your partner does with his/her time? Are you talking about it? Do you know his hobbies, interests, what he does when he’s not at work or with you? My husband and I are intimately involved in each other’s lives and we like that. Naturally, you do not have to have the same preferences or spend all your time together, but please think something is fishy if there are weird gaps in communication or understanding of what your partner’s life is like. Please do not persist in denial. Accountability and integrity are key ingredients to a successful relationship.

6. Have sex.

Here is the final, most important way to keep a marriage hot: have sex! My husband and I have promises about how frequently we have sex. I really recommend it. Don’t let the cliché of sex fading with marriage become true (or truer) in your relationship. Cut it out!! Lie back down in bed (or anywhere!) with that person you loved enough that you committed to him or her. Just get back on the bike and ride; it really does come back to you. Do NOT wait to be “in the mood.”

Growing up means causing what you want in your life, not waiting for it to magically happen. It is not a bad thing that relationships take work– the best things in life require real effort to make them flourish. May you consider this a blessed opportunity when it comes to keeping love alive and your marriage or partnership hot.

~Laurie

–

About Laurie Gerber…

Laurie Gerber is President of Handel Group® Life Coaching and a Senior Coach. Laurie’s personal and professional mission is to change the world by teaching people to tell the truth and pursue their dreams. Her MTV True Life tv show debut and weekly teleseminar subscription Wake up Your Week are her current favorite modalities. When she’s not busy clearing out clients’ excuses and running the company, she also indulges herself by enjoying precious moments with her husband and two daughters.

–

What are your thoughts here? I am sometimes on the fence about how much I should give, without expectations or being resentful if I don’t get what I need. Did anything here resonate for you? Do you agree with Laurie? How do YOU keep the passion alive in your marriage?  Share YOUR secrets to a blissful marriage, or your frustrations. Laurie will be reading.

xoxEDxox 

Other articles you might enjoy:

• How to Stop Settling for “Mr. Good Enough” and Start Fighting the “Somebody-Is-Better-Than-Nobody” Syndrome
• Four Things You Should Know About Men
• The Cold Hard Truth
• Wisdom Wednesday: Face Your Dirty Dishes
• Scheduling “Date Nights”

Sunday is the day we honor mothers everywhere. For some, Mother’s Day is a day to rejoice. For others, it’s a sad and difficult day, as many will celebrate this Mother’s Day without a mom. While still for others, it’s a dreaded day filled with tension and perhaps regret of what could have been. I recall two years ago, I was at Walmart buying cards for my mother and mother-in-law, and next to me, there was a beautiful woman in her thirties also shopping for cards. We looked at each other and said, “Not a great selection, huh?” But then I found something really nice, and I said to her, “Hey, look at this one. It’s a nice one,” to which she replied, “Oh no, I can’t stand my mother.”

This year, I would like to pay tribute to a special woman. My mother. She has devoted herself whole-heartedly to our family, and today, I honor her.

Mom,

It feels like just yesterday I was your little girl. Your only child. All my memories, as far back as I can remember, are of the two of us. You and me, sitting at our small kitchen table, eating foods that really no one ate back then. Whole wheat bread, organic fruits, all healthy things. I remember saying, “Why do I always have to eat healthy food?” To which you replied, “It will make you grow big, strong and smart. And one day, you will also feed these foods to your own kids.”

Little did I know you were right.

The house was quiet. Daddy was working. Hunting for our family. And all I remember is us always… TALKING. Maybe that’s why I became a businesswoman and speaker. We just always… TALKED. Nothing was off limits. Cigarettes– we talked through. Body image– we talked through. Drugs– we talked through. We even talked about sex. Repression was not a word in our vocabulary. We never let anything slide under the rug, and we dealt with problems head-on. We ripped off band aids and dealt with the wounds. Right to the core. Raw.

I was a good girl. I was. Despite the few mishaps here and there- bringing boys to my room too late at night (remember that? Daddy asked if I was prostituting), or smoking with Caroline the babysitter at 8 years old. Despite these MINOR INCIDENCES, I was pretty good. And you didn’t scold me for experimenting. 

At every stage in my life, you have been my biggest cheerleader. Through the good – me as a prima ballerina for 17 years, good grades in school, marriage to my best friend, the birth to my boys. And then, through the bad – break ups with boyfriends, my failure to get into MBA School, disappointments. You always showed me unconditional love. It has been this, that has made me flourish.

We also laughed. A lot. I still remember lying in my bed at night trying to sleep, hearing the sound of your cackling laughter. You watched Three’s Company religiously, and I can still hear Jack Tripper’s voice in my head shouting, “Jaaaaanet!”  You let me stay up ’till 10 o’clock Thursday AND Friday nights to watch Dynasty and Dallas (my favorite shows) when none of my friends were staying up that late. And you let me BLARE Laura Branigan’s “Gloria” on my 45 record player even though you hated the loud noise. We had great times, and we continue to share great times together.

So today, as I reflect upon the past 37 years of being your daughter, I feel so lucky. Lucky to have been born into the bosom of infinite love, dedication, closeness and respect. I only hope that one day, my children will look up to me, as I have looked up to you, as a role model and mentor. And I only hope that they grow up with the confidence and self esteem I have grown up with, because of the way you nurtured me.

With love and gratitude.

Mom, enjoy this video…

I would like to wish a very Happy Mother’s Day to my incredibly devoted mother-in-law, who has role modeled for me, the importance of family. I love you and am so grateful for you. And to ALL Moms everywhere, a very Happy Mother’s Day. We are definitely a tribe, and it does take a village to raise a child. Whether you’re a first time mom, or this is your first mother’s day without your mom, I wish you love and many blessings, and lots of laughter. Enjoy the moment, and I hope someone spoils you on Sunday.

And tell us, what does Mother’s Day mean to you? How will you be celebrating on Sunday? What are YOUR memories of your mother? Today is a day to celebrate women. Honor your mom by telling us what she means to you.

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• A Mother’s Day Tribute
• A Mother’s Day Tribute

This is my boy. He is good and sick. I am getting on a plane in 24 hours to fly to Saskatchewan for a keynote speaking engagement. It’s bad enough that I’m missing his parent teacher interviews for the first time ever (hubby is going without me). Now this. I feel like the worst mother on the planet leaving.

So, today, instead of providing strength to my community, I will be needing strength FROM my community.

Send hugs, coffee and a speedy recovery.

And wishes for no puke- I’m not good with the puke.

Signed,

Guilty Mom

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Mommy Wars
• A Working Mom’s Guilt
• Trusting HER Instincts: What Moms Will and Won’t Do For Their Kids
• Mommy Guilt
• Reflections of a Weekend

The plane has landed. I guess I deserve it. I did, after all, write a blog post called ‘Born Skinny.’ My metabolism, the metabolism that has been overly kind to me for 37 years, has officially retired. I think due to overwork. I have joined the rest of humanity- ass fallen, boobs headed south, beautiful cellulite, and finally the inability to eat whatever I want (that’s the worst part of all). Ahh, the wonderful world of aging. It was great while it lasted. Now I actually have to do something called, **gasp** …WORK.

Me at 8 years old

So, seeing that summer is almost upon us, and you know my goal is always to get you as close to your personal best as possible, today I wanted to give you the Top 12 Superfoods you should be incorporating into your diet. Many of these superfoods have helped keep me in good health. Today, we’re getting off the fence, off the junk, and caring for ourselves. Consider this your whack over the head with the frying pan (pardon the irony). It’s May. May is about rebirth, rejuvenation, and regrowth. So, if you’ve been a bad girl, give yourself permission to own that… and then let it go. I’m doing that too.

Let’s cut right to the chase. The Top 12 Superfoods you should be incorporating into your 2012 diet:

1. Berries. Who doesn’t like berries? I recently started making the Jessica Seinfeld Frozen Yogurt Pops for my kids. I buy organic plain yogurt, and put it in the blender with some strawberries or raspberries, add a tad bit of sugar, and we make our own fro yo pops with these delicious berries. Ripe blueberries are high in vitamin C, and have tons of anti-oxidants, which benefit your circulatory system. Strawberries are full of potassium and are also great for your heart. Get some berries, and keep them handy for snacks!

2. Salmon. Instead of meat or chicken, try Salmon as a lunch or dinner option.  Salmon is high in protein, omega 3 fatty acids, and very high in vitamin D. Just so you know HOW important these Omega 3′s are– they help prevent strokes, blood clots and recent studies also show that Omega 3′s have the potential to slow down Alzheimer’s, as well as fight depression and suicide. And one final note– when in doubt, or if you get a fight from your family, ADD KETCHUP! (It’s how I get my kids to eat it.)

3. Walnuts. Walnuts have more antioxidants than almonds, cashews, hazelnuts, and many other members of the nut family. Walnuts are the new “supernuts.” Walnuts do everything from promote cardiovascular health to prevent weight gain. Studies have even concluded that if eaten before bedtime, walnuts can help you get a better night’s sleep, thanks to the hormone melatonin.

4. Extra Virgin Coconut Oil. Studies are coming out of the wazoo that Extra Virgin Coconut Oil is the best oil you could use for health benefits, and to keep you fit. Coconut oil is also ideal for skin care and has anti aging benefits. Another great health benefit to coconut oil is that it’s been known to stimulate your metabolism. It’s also been known to increase immunity, and help decrease heart disease and high blood pressure. I’m considering making the switch.

5. Greek yogurt.  Because Greek yogurt is strained, it becomes much richer in texture than unstrained yogurt. The straining also removes the whey, which makes Greek yogurt higher in protein and lower in sugar and carbohydrates than regular yogurt. Greek yogurt is also known for its positive effects on your immune system.

6. Pomegranites. Pomegranites are high in Vitamin C and K, and are naturally low in calories. Pomegranates are also packed with antioxidants linked to a healthy heart and decreased inflammation. Unfortunately I am the only one in my family who will eat pomegranite seeds, but I buy them and put them in my yogurt, my cereal or I eat them plain. They’re an acquired taste, but oh so good for you. I do buy pomegranate juice, and my kids seem to enjoy that.

7. Quinoa. Quinoa has been called, the “Everyday Superfood.” What makes it a great superfood, is it contains a perfect balance of all eight essential amino acids. Also known as “brain food,” and a “dieter’s dream,” it makes for a delicious, protein filled side-dish to salmon, chicken, or just about anything.

Quinoa

8. Black Garlic.  Black garlic is a type of fermented garlic that originated in Asian cultures. To make black garlic, whole bulbs of garlic are fermented at high temperatures, resulting in black cloves that taste both sweet and savoury. The pungent smell is subdued in the fermenting process, so while the taste is still there, the bad breath that typically accompanies garlic is not. Black garlic has double the number of disease-fighting antioxidants as raw garlic. This one is on my agenda for 2012.

9. Green Tea.  Green tea is full of anti-oxidants. I can always count on my mom to drop off a baggie of what looks like a stash of marijuana every few months. I think she goes to China to hand pick the leaves herself! Just kidding. She goes to this remote area in China town and claims that this particular strain of green tea has been tested to help fight cancer. In fact, in a recent Japanese study which looked at women with stage I and II breast cancer, research showed that the women who drank more green tea before and after their surgery, had a lower chance of the cancer recurring. It has also been proven to keep people lean. Here’s the catch… one cup doesn’t really cut it. Have a few more cups m’ladies to get the full effect!

10. Chia seeds. Chia seeds are actually part of the mint family. Rich in omega-3 fatty acids, protein and fibre, they’re often used in nutritious drinks. You can ground the seeds and use them for baking, cook them whole, or have some as a snack. They are exceptionally high in minerals and nutrients.

Chia seeds

11. Kale.  Kale is a green leafy vegetable high in vitamins A,C, K, and fiber. I love Kale chips, so easily made by baking the kale in the oven. You can also add kale to smoothies or serve it as a side dish with your favorite proteins. Check out this chicken and kale recipe. I’m salivating.

Roasted chicken leg and kale

Adzuki beans

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Activia Launches New French and Greek Yogurts
• 8 Quick Tips For Staying Fit During The Winter Months
• Eating Healthy With A Busy Schedule
• Top 7 Foods To Keep You Fit
• 10 Years: The Story of Us

By Guest Blogger Prerna Gupta

When I became an entrepreneur at the age of twenty-three, I began in earnest, as do all entrepreneurs, chasing a dream. My dream was clear. I would build a consumer technology company that reached ten million people and sell the company for millions of dollars, before the age of thirty. Then, as the dream went, I would retire to an oceanfront house on a warm Pacific beach and learn how to surf.

I recently had the fortune of celebrating a year in which I saw that lofty goal fulfilled. My company’s iPhone apps had over ten million downloads, and a competitor paid a large sum of money to acquire what we had built, just a week before my thirtieth birthday. Dream had become reality.

I took a trip soon after to a secluded surf beach on the Pacific coast of Nicaragua. Sandy-bottom beach break. White sand. House so close to water that the sound of crashing waves made it hard to sleep. This was it. I had made it.

Yet, as I sat dangling my feet off a seven-foot surfboard, missing wave after perfect wave, I saw an unmistakable truth. I was terrible at surfing, and all I really cared about anymore was launching another hit app. Far from retiring, I found myself more in the thrall of ambition than ever before.

Having risked my career in order to escape, at all costs, the Great American Rat Race, this was disconcerting to me. My entrepreneurial intentions had, after all, been pure at the outset. I was drawn to entrepreneurship by the lure of freedom: control of my time, the ability to work on my own creations, no boss, and, of course, the potential for independent wealth. But the purpose of the money was never to buy fancy cars and houses, or to be richer than my peers. I viewed the money simply as a lifelong guarantee of these freedoms. When I had enough wealth to live modestly for the rest of my life without working another day, I would quit. I would stop chasing the dream. And yet here I am, still slaving away. How could this be? I am not one of those miserable over-achieving types who are satisfied with nothing less than better-than-everyone-else. Really. I’m not.

Am I?

You see, a funny thing seems to have happened just before I reached the ten million users mark. That goal of mine nefariously shifted by just a bit, a decimal point to be precise. I have a new goal now. It’s 100 million.

This is the disillusionment of the entrepreneur. There is no such thing as success. It is a moving target. A mirage. By the time you attain what you thought was your wildest dream, reality has moved on and left your dreams in the dust. And the desire for success grows stronger still.

I do not like being enslaved, by anything. There are times when I can feel ambition, that greatest of American virtues, imposing its power over me. There are times when I succumb, for a short while. But to allow myself to be driven by ambition alone would be the ultimate failure. I strive for happiness. Not happiness when I am sixty, but happiness now, and tomorrow, and the day after. And although ambition and happiness can coexist, I have found that the first much more readily thrives without the other.  I understand this now, as I understood it at twenty-three, and my values are unchanged. What can then explain the control ambition has over me today?

Many who run in entrepreneurial circles would say that my dream was insufficient in the first place. Indeed, Silicon Valley frowns upon such middling goals as selling one’s company for mere millions. We should aim for billions, we are told, or not aim at all. I am loath to admit that I have let that over-achiever’s ethos influence my own thinking, but I suppose it is at least partially true.

That’s not the only reason though. While my values have not changed, what has changed is this: work is more fun than it used to be when I was twenty-three. Work actually makes me happy. I always enjoyed entrepreneurship, even though I had many setbacks and failures along the way, but it is infinitely more fun now that I have had some tangible success. This is the real reason I continue. Success builds upon itself, and in so doing, makes the journey more fun. That is not to say I won’t still have failures, in abundance; I am certain I will. Yet underlying the day-to-day failures is the knowledge that I can never truly fail again, because if success does not exist, neither does failure. I am finally free. I am free of the fear of failure. Perhaps that was my dream all along.

I’ll still learn how to surf one day, as soon as I reach that 100 million.

–

About Prerna Gupta…

Prerna Gupta is CEO of Khush, a start-up that develops intelligent music apps, like the #1 hit app Songify, which turns speech into music. Prerna led her start-up to profitability, with her company’s apps receiving over 10 million downloads and 200 songs created to date. She is also responsible for producing viral videos for her products that have reached over 180 million views. Khush was recently acquired by Smule, the leading developer of social music apps. Prior to her foray into entrepreneurship, Prerna worked in consulting at Monitor Group and early-stage venture capital at Summit Partners. She studied Economics and Computer Science at Stanford University. Prerna was voted one of FastCompany’s Most Influential Women in Technology 2011, and her writing has been featured in the New York Times and TechCrunch. She is also a budding angel investor and Resident Mentor at 500 Startups. You can follow her on Twitter @prernagupta

–

Would love to know your thoughts.  This is easily one of my Top 5 favorite blog posts. Have a beautiful weekend.

xoxEDxox

–

This post was previously published on TechCrunch. We received permission from TechCrunch and Prerna Gupta to re-publish it on WomenOnTheFence.com.

Other articles you might enjoy:

• INTERVIEW: Erica Diamond Goes One-On-One With Real Housewife Jill Zarin
• Taking The Dive Into Passion
• The Liz Lange Interview: Her Maternity Empire, Motherhood, and More
• Sara Blakely: My Confession
• The New Moonlighting – Starting Your Own Company While Keeping Your Day Job

By Guest Blogger Valerie Tejeda

A couple of months ago, I was running some last minute errands on Valentines Day, when the strangest thing happened to me. I stopped by my favorite place in the world, Whole Foods Market, to pick up some items so I could make something special for my valentine. As I walked toward the dessert section, it was crowded with men who just like me, were trying to find some last minute sweets for their sweethearts.

I finally made my way towards the front of the crowd and was happily browsing the desserts, when a man dressed in a nice suit came up to me and said, “Hey, I really like your boots.” I’ve noticed that there are two types of men in this world: men who notice fashion, and men who are oblivious to it. However, anyone who is into fashion would have definitely noticed these boots! I was wearing “Steve Madden Lexeee Boots,” and the truth is they are pretty fabulous. After his compliment, I turned and looked at him and said, “thank you.” He then removed himself from the dessert crowd and I continued browse. I honestly didn’t think a thing of it.

The famous Steve Madden "Lexeee" boot

Less than a minute later, I felt someone tap me on my shoulder, and to my surprise it was the “boots” guy. “I’m actually shopping for my co-workers,” he said. “See, I own my own company, and we’re having a Valentine’s day party tomorrow, and I was just looking for some desserts for them. I’m not shopping for a significant other or anything.” He then continued by saying, “I just didn’t want you to think I was one of those ‘bad’ guys who compliments some young woman’s shoes, while shopping for their wife on Valentine’s day.” I was so confused, that all I could say in response was, “Ok.” He then picked up three boxes of organic heart shaped cookies and headed towards the cash register.

On my drive home I got to thinking about what the “boots” guy represented. He honestly did not seem like some “creepy-married-guy-type-trying-to-hit-on-me-on-Valentine’s-day.” I mean, all he did was compliment my shoes. But the strangest part of it all was, he wanted to make sure I KNEW that he was not some “creepy married guy that was hitting on me on Valentines day.”

So why did he care so much about what I, a complete stranger, thought of him?

Once I started looking for this, I felt like it was everywhere! All week, I constantly noticed people saying random comments to strangers. First, there was a lady in Peets Coffee letting people know that the crying kid next her, was not her child. Then, there was an embarrassed teenager voicing to shoppers that the loud woman in H&M was not her mother, even though she so obviously was. Following that, there was a girl in Boudin Bakery explaining to the cashier that she never usually eats alone, but had to today since her friend canceled on her last minute. And the cycled continued for the rest of the week.

So, the question is, why do we care what strangers think of us? Why do we give so much power to other people? People we don’t even know? Why do we need their approval?

According to Tom Perry, CEO of YourCoach, the need for approval has been conditioned within us since birth.“Approval from others gives us a higher sense of self-esteem. We’re convinced that their recognition matters to our self-worth and how deeply we value ourselves.” Hmmm. Interesting.

I admit, I go back and forth between having moments when I care about what strangers or others think of me, and not caring at all. But why do we go through all the trouble? What is at play here? I do know, that the more secure I am at a particular stage in my life, the less I care.

~Val

–

About Valerie Tejeda…

Val is a freelance writer and one of the the founders of Glamonomics.com, a site about the “study” of glamour. Glamonomics is a California based fashion blog bringing you four different types of styles from four girls (Val, Jess, Maggie, & Virginia) across the state. Their goal is to share with you their styles, fab finds, fashion favorites, trend reports and celebrity fashion.

–

What about you… do you care about what strangers think of you? Are you on the fence here? Why do you think we care about what strangers think of us? I’d love your opinion.

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• No Related Post