By Guest Blogger Laurie Gerber

I’ve been with my husband for 18 years and so far neither of us has cheated. We have something really great, but if you read my blog, you’d know it wasn’t always so good. We had our troubles and issues in our marriage, same as all couples. I will tell you that it is what we chose to do about our issues, that has kept our love thriving and our marriage hot. Prepare to change your thinking!

People get frustrated with keeping love alive, partly because they’ve been conditioned by movies and common culture to believe that with the “right” person, all the romance and spark will appear “naturally.” I teach a different story. Love and romance usually come easily when we’re young or when the relationship is young. After that, it takes work. Don’t view that as an injustice or a burden, but rather an opportunity to grow up and take charge of your life.

First, accept that it is your job to keep love and intimacy alive (for your happiness and to prevent cheating), and that it’s a privilege and a fun game to do so. Then, use my tips below to figure out what’s missing and how to build your relationship. Hint! It’s mainly about regular, open communication and connection. But I don’t want to spoil the surprise, so read on!

1. Give your spouse the power to please you sexually and otherwise. 

It’s really important that your partner pleases you and knows that he does. Many people withhold pleasure on purpose, as a way to control their partner, or get back at their partner. We learned this at a young age when we’d throw a tantrum to try and get candy or attention from our parents. Withholding your happiness until you get what you want will only get you a messy, teary power struggle where name-calling and blaming will occur.

For years, I used this tactic on my husband. Not just sexually, but everywhere. He couldn’t drive right, do chores right, have conversations right, or “loosen me up” in bed. How convenient that my satisfaction was all HIS problem and failure. Once I grew up about this, I made my happiness and pleasure MY challenge to solve, and then life got much better for both of us. I now know it’s my job to like what my husband does, or find a great and graceful way to tweak it.

You get more bees with honey. This goes for your marriage too.

2. Make regular time together and treat it as sacred.

Every night, during regular face time with my husband, we have a ritual of asking questions that are designed to cause intimacy. We share things like: what we’re proud of in our marriage, successes, connections with others, when we played the victim, what we love about the other, what bad traits came up and everything we don’t want to say. We also re-assess our wedding vows and rewrite them every year on our anniversary, and then we give ourselves grades on how we are doing at keeping them each week during our nightly ritual.

This year, I promised to listen more deeply than ever and to consciously enjoy our marriage more. He promised to make eye contact and better manage his time for the sake of our family. See? We invent new and fun conversations about life, and our love, that are just ours, and that is what keeps us connected. (And you can, too.)

Connection is the road to all things great in your marriage.

3. Respect each other sexuality.

My husband is allowed to like what he likes sexually, so there is no sneaking. Even if I don’t want to do everything he likes (and vice versa), there is no shaming about any of it. Those topics are sacred and protected. If that is not the case in your partnership, please take a good hard look at why not. I had to do plenty of work on myself to understand that I am not the same as my partner, I don’t have to be, and none of it is personal (unless it is).

4. Make your spouse your HERO.

I am now in the business of finding what I love about my partner rather than focusing on what doesn’t work. I like to catch him being my hero. Whatever quality you want to see more of in your partner, start seeing it, and acknowledging it. I recommend you write down all the times you “catch” what you want to see.

5. Get involved in each other’s lives.

Do you know what your partner does with his/her time? Are you talking about it? Do you know his hobbies, interests, what he does when he’s not at work or with you? My husband and I are intimately involved in each other’s lives and we like that. Naturally, you do not have to have the same preferences or spend all your time together, but please think something is fishy if there are weird gaps in communication or understanding of what your partner’s life is like. Please do not persist in denial. Accountability and integrity are key ingredients to a successful relationship.

6. Have sex.

Here is the final, most important way to keep a marriage hot: have sex! My husband and I have promises about how frequently we have sex. I really recommend it. Don’t let the cliché of sex fading with marriage become true (or truer) in your relationship. Cut it out!! Lie back down in bed (or anywhere!) with that person you loved enough that you committed to him or her. Just get back on the bike and ride; it really does come back to you. Do NOT wait to be “in the mood.”

Growing up means causing what you want in your life, not waiting for it to magically happen. It is not a bad thing that relationships take work– the best things in life require real effort to make them flourish. May you consider this a blessed opportunity when it comes to keeping love alive and your marriage or partnership hot.

~Laurie

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About Laurie Gerber…

Laurie Gerber is President of Handel Group® Life Coaching and a Senior Coach. Laurie’s personal and professional mission is to change the world by teaching people to tell the truth and pursue their dreams. Her MTV True Life tv show debut and weekly teleseminar subscription Wake up Your Week are her current favorite modalities. When she’s not busy clearing out clients’ excuses and running the company, she also indulges herself by enjoying precious moments with her husband and two daughters.

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What are your thoughts here? I am sometimes on the fence about how much I should give, without expectations or being resentful if I don’t get what I need. Did anything here resonate for you? Do you agree with Laurie? How do YOU keep the passion alive in your marriage?  Share YOUR secrets to a blissful marriage, or your frustrations. Laurie will be reading.

xoxEDxox 

Other articles you might enjoy:

• How to Stop Settling for “Mr. Good Enough” and Start Fighting the “Somebody-Is-Better-Than-Nobody” Syndrome
• Four Things You Should Know About Men
• The Cold Hard Truth
• Wisdom Wednesday: Face Your Dirty Dishes
• Scheduling “Date Nights”

Alright, if you haven’t yet heard about the book Fifty Shades of Grey, you just might be in the minority. Fifty Shades of Grey is a new book to not yet hit bookstores. And you can only buy this erotic novel, frequently described at “mommy porn,” if you own an iPad, Kindle, Kobo, Nook, e-reader. The hard copy is coming out in April.

Ladies, this book is hot. REALLY hot. And I’m not embarrassed to say that I put down an incredible memoir to be taken away by Fifty Shades of Grey. Hell, I don’t even read fiction, but I had to see what all the hype was about. Well, I had NO idea what I was in for. I am halfway through, and I’m HOOKED. Smitten. I find myself sneaking moments to read whenever I can– hockey practice, carpool lineup. The buzz is everywhere. Conversation flowing amongst all the yummy mummies I meet. Women telling me their whole bodies “tingle” when they read this book. Or that they just wanna go home and f— their husbands. We discussed it at my girl’s dinner this week and  we talked about it while I served hot lunch at school yesterday. But I will tell you, I have rediscovered my husband again because of this book. I kid you not. It has done wonders to our marriage. Let’s just say, my husband has never been so thrilled to see me reading.

I don’t do book reviews on this site. It’s not the feel around here. But I will give you a little background. The protagonist is 27 year-old, sexy, uber-controlled, self-made billionaire, Christian Grey, who also also happens to have a major fetish for domination and S&M behind closed doors. The other main character is 22 year-old college girl, innocent, virginal, submissive, Anastasia Steele, who gets swept off her feet and into the bedroom in sexcapades that are beyond smoking.

I was going to post an excerpt to give you a little teaser, but this book is so bloody descriptive and twisted, I refrained. You’ll have to just take my word for it. What makes this book juicy is the extreme build up, and then the explosive description of what these two people do to each other. On a scale of 1-10 in the prudeness department, I’m a zero (not prude at all), and even this book has my jaw on the floor.

The interesting part is, most of the women reading about the sadism, masochism, and domination in this book are not sexual deviants at all. These women are lawyers, doctors, accountants, soccer moms, bright women. NORMAL women. That is what blows me away. Smart and well educated women are coming out and saying things like this is the best book they have ever read. Parts of the book do irk me (Anastasia’s extreme submissiveness and Christian’s controlling ways), but it hasn’t stopped me from reading yet.

Oh yah, and it’s a trilogy, by the way (the gift that keeps on giving).

So today, my goal is to throw a few ideas your way and get your perspective. I read on the Internet: “It’s taboo for women to admit that they watch pornography, but for some reason it’s O.K. to admit that they’re reading this book.” Why do you think that is? What does the popularity of Fifty Shades say about the modern woman today? Could this be the beginning of a new revolution, acknowledging the female as a sexual being, possibly just as sexually charged as her male counterpart? Could this be the turning point in a “new normal” for women? I’d really love to know your thoughts.

Additionally, if you have read, or are reading the book, drop me a line and let me know what you think. Is it total garbage, a masterpiece, or somewhere in between?

Oh yah, and if you’re interested, Universal Pictures bought the rights to the movie this week. You can check out this poll on People.com. Who should play Christian Grey?

Happy weekend ladies. Happy sexing!

xoxEDxox

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I’m a sap. I’m a sucker. I’m a hopeless romantic. Yup. I’m all those things when it comes to love and Valentine’s Day.  After almost TWENTY YEARS with my man, (wow I feel old), even on the days I contemplate murder, I can honestly say, we always make the time for passion in our marriage. But even couples in love need to change things up sometimes. Need a little spice. Need a little help to keep the plug sparked and charged.

Today, if you have been feeling distant from your partner, today I encourage you to reconnect. To let thoughts of anger, fall by the wayside. To forgive and come together. To decide that today, you will find passion. Today, you will BE passion. Playful and fun. If you are in a new relationship, this probably comes a lot easier to you than to us oldies who have been DOING the same person for many years, and may need to work a little harder. And finally, if you are alone today on Valentine’s Day, I encourage you to rediscover YOURSELF today, and be good to yourself. If not today, when?

Today is for love and lovers, and it never hurts to get in the spirit.

A few tips on how to keep the passion alive this Valentine’s day:

1. It’s all in the detail.

Today, make the time for your partner. Whether it’s preparing a seductive playlist for tonight, or getting the candles ready in your bedroom, or the perfect outfit he finds attractive. Yesterday, I bought beautiful lingerie, special for tonight. I can’t wait to sample it! Pay close attention to detail today. CREATE the atmosphere. It will make your partner feel special, and you in turn, will feel the love as well.

2. Say Yes.

For all the times you say no. No because you’re too tired. No because you’re overworked- in motherhood or life. No to something your partner likes. Today, say YES. Just try it. You have no idea where the YES may take you.

3. Passion Thankfully Isn’t Expensive

You don’t need an expensive meal or a dozen roses to find the passion in your relationship today. Just doing things differently– cooking a romantic dinner after the kids go to sleep, taking a hot bath together tonight, or sending your man X-rated photos of yourself throughout the day to get him in the mood, will do wonders! Today isn’t about spending money. It’s about appreciating each other. That don’t cost a thing.

4. Revisit what first brought you together

After years of wear and tear, kids, work, money stress, redundancy, couples can sometimes look at each other, and feel as if they are looking at a stranger. Often it takes a little gratitude, appreciation, and reminding yourself of what drew you together in the first place, to bring you back.

5. Commit to creativity

Decide right here and now, you’re doin‘ things differently today. There’ s no better way to get your partner excited than to tell them NOW, it’s ain’t gonna be the way it always is. Today, commit to trying new things. Remember, sexplorations are safe and fun between two loving and committed people. Think CREATIVELY. NO MISSIONARY POSITION TONIGHT! Need I say more?

6. Laugh and be playful

Our most romantic and passionate nights start off when we have laughed together. When we are enjoying each others’ company as two playful partners. Go see a ROM-COM (romantic comedy) tonight if you can find a babysitter. Your night doesn’t have to be this big, sexy, wild evening. Laughing with each other can be the biggest aphrodisiac.

Yes, that is us alright.

7. Ask and you shall receive

Today is not the day to be inhibited. If you have wanted to slow dance to music in your bedroom, ASK. If you have wanted your husband to do something to you in the bedroom, well ASK! Ask and you shall receive. But, give a little too today. I came across a quote I thought was good for Valentine’s Day:

“Save some of your best self each day for your spouse. Do not give them the leftovers.”

Well said. Of course it goes both ways.

Wow, here we were, married only one year. How time has flown.

Obviously, relationships are complex. They time time, work, effort and mutual respect and appreciation. The above are not fixes for relationships who are in need of real marital help. Today was meant to inspire you on Valentine’s Day. I hope that if you’re able to reconnect for today, the effects will be long-lasting.

I’d love you to share, what are YOUR tips that have kept the passion alive in YOUR relationship. Also, what are your Valentine’s Day plans?

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• The Secrets of Being a Fabulous Lover for Valentine’s Day
• Cyber Sex and Your Relationship
• The One Thought That Could Change Your Life
• A Single Mom’s Valentine’s Day. One Woman’s Story…

While I realize that not everyone is facing this issue, and while the topic may not have the usual “mass appeal,” it is quietly going on behind closed doors in many homes around the world. Today, I wanted to crush the shame, and help those who might be suffering.

Erica

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By Guest Blogger Paldrom Collins

When I first met the man who is now my husband and he told me that his work was counseling men with sexual addiction, I remember clearly the feeling of wanting to stick my fingers in my ears while loudly shouting “la-la-la-la.” That was quickly followed by the immediate conclusion that this man was not someone I would want to talk with ever again. But life as a jokester led me to want to get to know this man, even with a career that was initially oh-so-embarrassing to hear about. And it didn’t end there. I soon learned that not only did George counsel sex addicts; he was a recovering sex addict himself.

Sexual addiction is a compulsive sexual behavior that dominates an addict’s life, taking priority over work, friends, and even family.

After we were married, I found my skills as a teacher, counselor, and coach were calling me to join my husband in his work. I now support and guide the wives and partners of individuals who are suffering from what I had considered to be such an unmentionable and embarrassing problem. I have discovered that these men and women are ordinary people who just happen to have a problem with how sex and sexuality manifests in their lives.

If you are reading these words, you may be wondering if your partner is a sex addict. You may know that something is wrong with your intimate sexual connection. It’s possible that your partner is looking at a lot of pornography on the Internet and masturbating, or he may have escalated his online activities. He may be frequenting prostitutes, engaging in multiple affairs, or participating in other sexual encounters that are outside of his relationship with you. If he is engaging in sexual behaviors that are destructive to the relationship and he wants to stop but doesn’t seem to be able to, then it is wise for you to suspect sexual compulsivity or addiction.

You cannot make your partner (or anyone else) see what they do not want to recognize or are not ready to face. Successfully dealing with sexual addiction or compulsivity generally requires outside support from someone who understands and works with this issue — or, at the very least, the partner who is sexually compulsive needs to receive support by joining a group that focuses on this problem. The most important point for you to remember is to trust yourself and your intuition. You can be true to yourself and honor your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.

“At times, men begin using porn because the sexual connection inside their relationship has temporarily lessened – for example when children arrive on the scene or maybe when their partner has become engrossed in work or in a project. The portrayal of sex as a matter of power and domination is a common theme in much of porn.  This can create a distortion and confusion about sexual impulses and what is actually desirable for women.  Those who have viewed a lot of pornography can start to imagine that women in real life are like the women portrayed in pornography. This is one way that sexual compulsion can damage a relationship. In their practice, porn addiction profoundly affects women in their relationships, triggering stress due to the lack of physical and emotional connection with their husbands.” (George and Paldrom).

If you suspect your partner has an issue with sexual compulsivity, in order for you to attempt to continue your relationship, three factors need to be in place:

1. He needs to realize he has a problem and have the desire and willingness to stop sexually acting out. He needs to find support in stopping the behavior.
2. You need to have the desire and willingness to go through the process of investigation with your partner.
3. You both need to be willing to begin to look into the dynamics within your relationship system that are not working.

If sexual compulsion or addiction is a part of your relationship, it is helpful to keep in mind:

1. You are not responsible for your partner’s sexually addictive behaviors. His choices about how he deals with his irritations and stimulations are his alone, as are yours.
2. Your partner’s sexually addictive actions are not an indication that he does not love you.
3. Your relationship is not hopeless or doomed because your partner has a problem with sexual compulsivity.
4. You are not weak or damaged because you want to stay with your partner and rebuild your relationship.
5. You don’t have to force yourself to trust your partner right now. It is normal to feel angry, upset, and mistrusting.
6. You don’t need to go through this time alone. Reach out to friends, family, and other support systems.

All relationships can be difficult at times. The challenges of relating openly with an intimate partner can be like a master class in human interaction. But when you have two people who have the willingness to work with the painful feelings and emotions that arise in dealing with a difficult passage, there is an opportunity for growth, awareness, freedom and ultimately for deeper love and intimate connection.

This goes for anything in life.

~Paldrom

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About Paldrom Collins…

Formerly a Tibetan Buddhist nun, Paldrom Collins works with her husband, George Collins, counseling individuals and couples across the country by phone and in Walnut Creek, California at Compulsion Solutions, which was founded by George in 1995. They have written the book “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust & Restore Intimacy,” focusing on what happens to relationships once addiction is exposed and how they can be repaired which, happily, they often are.

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What are your thoughts on this topic? Some researchers claim there is “no such a thing as sex addiction.” Have you encountered this in any of your relationships, and perhaps have some advice you can share with our readers? Were you able to move past the infidelity? Feel free to comment anonymously.

xoxEDxox

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• Runaway Husbands
• Closed On Open Marriage
• A Secretive Spouse
• Emotional Cheating Vs. Physical Cheating. The Debate.
• Elizabeth Edwards, A Woman On The Fence

By Guest Blogger By Eric J. Leech

Men don’t like to talk about themselves much. For this reason, many of their idiosyncrasies are largely left a mystery. Today, I am pulling back the curtain, revealing the delicate balance of what separates a man from the boy. Whether you are married, in a relationship, navigating dating websites or the bar scene, these four tips will help bring new understanding to what you already thought you knew about men.

Women On The Fence readers, here is a private viewing, a sneak peak into our minds….

Sex is Love

Men do not deal with intangible emotions very well. When you say that you love him, he recognizes these words mean something very special, but the proof is always in the pudding. Now I am not advocating jumping in the sack on a first date to show him you’re interested, but if you are already invested in a committed relationship, don’t allow the sex to dwindle.

Just as women crave the emotional connection with their partner, men crave the physical. So you know, after sex is when a man feels closest to his partner. He may be slobbering all over himself in his sleep, but trust me, your bond has been fortified. Sex is a confidence builder. It reminds him that you are still attracted to him.

Now it doesn’t all have to be about sex. Men also appreciate the subtle message behind a kiss or a home-cooked meal (yes he loves those). However, sometimes no matter how hard you try, he just doesn’t seem interested in sex, but there’s an explanation for this…

He May Not Always Ask for What He Really Wants

There is a mental disease that effects just about every man in the world, and it’s called Approval Addiction. When men are bored and depressed with their sex life, it is often nobody else’s problem but their own. Men are so addicted to receiving approval from others, he would rather sulk, than ask his partner if she’d be up to trying something new.

Men keep their sexual fantasies a secret out of fear that she might not approve. Some studies suggest this phenomenon may even be one of the motivating factors to cheating. He would rather express his fantasies to someone he barely knows (whose opinion does not matter), than risk the possibility his partner might say no (a form of disapproval).

He Can Have Deep Emotional Connections

The sensitive man is not a new concept. Evidence suggests that men are actually born with more expressive emotional capabilities than women. The problem is, within the first few years of life, men are taught to hide their feelings (hurt), and learn not to need anybody. The result is your typical John Wayne, who may be manly and cool, but has a limited vocabulary of mostly “yup’s” and “nopes.”

A woman can help a man discover his feminine side, and I am not talking about spending hours styling your hair or playing karaoke. This is a guy, who will share his feelings and needs, while better understanding your own. The most important step is to reach out to him, and empathize with his stress. Men are largely untouched from age three on up. While he may not realize it, he desperately craves this kind of attention. He needs a woman who will hug him, ask how he feels, and patiently waits until he’s ready to talk about it.

He’s Sorry Only When He Thinks He’s Done Wrong

Women appear to have an easier time apologizing than men. You may think that he is just resistant because of his pride, but there are other forces at play. What research suggests, is that men are more lenient when it comes to their actions. For instance, let’s say a guy drives over to his buddy’s house, wakes him up in the middle of the night, drags him to a bar, gets him drunk, then drops him off in the morning, causing him to be late for work, and lose his job. This should require an apology, according to most women. To a guy, he may pat his buddy on the back in condolences, but being ‘sorry’ will never cross his mind. He didn’t do anything, after all, other than show his friend a good time.

Catch my drift?

According to studies, both men and women apologize about 80 percent of the time they think they’ve done something wrong. The reason there appears to be such a discrepancy, is because men don’t think they’re wrong very often. If it makes you feel any better, men also don’t believe they are owed an apology for most infractions, so don’t worry about dishing out “I’m sorry,” unless the occasion really calls for it.

Something to keep in mind– at the end of the day, men really aren’t that complex. It’s just a matter of taking the time to understand how they’re hard-wired. Believe me, we spend much time trying to figure you women out too.

~Eric

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BIO:

Nestled within the boundaries of the Love capital of the United States, Loveland Colorado, resides a columnist/author/actor/ entrepreneur, Eric J. Leech. Having grown up in a rather Y-chromosome deficient neighborhood, Eric spent his childhood playing house, Barbies (vs. G.I. Joe). Out of high school, Eric attended Colorado State University where he earned degrees in English, Psychology, Social Sciences, and Theater Arts.

Eric has since put every degree to good use with a variety of career undertakings, including eight years as an actor/model/ director for various television and film projects and the co-owner of an outdoor living structure design company. Eric has recently found himself quite the connoisseur as a known columnist, author and celebrity profiler for various publications and projects.

He has been featured with such magazines as (UMM) Urban Male Magazine (Canada), Turbo & High Performance, Import Tuner, Circle (India), Alternative Trends (International), UNO (Philippines), D’Luxe, The Strip, and Coffee House Digest (International) and Huffington Post.

For every love stricken soul who has ever spent an afternoon bent-over a garden picking daisy petals, singing, “she/he loves me… She/he loves me not,” there could be an atomic-sized love wedgie waiting just one bad decision away. Eric says, “Drop those daisy’s, tuck-in that vulnerable (underwear) waistband, and let’s find a relationship worth singing about!”

Eric J. Leech is the featured writer at DatingWebsites.org

You can also find him at EricLeech.com

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Tell us, do you agree with Eric? Does this all make sense, ladies? Men, do you agree with Eric? I’d love your point of view on this!

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• A Man’s View About Sex
• Sexy Quirky Marriage: Do You Have One?
• The Good Ol’ Fashioned Double Standard
• Cyber Sex and Your Relationship

By Guest Blogger Amy Larson

It feels like just yesterday I was wearing big hair, jelly shoes and bracelets, rolled sleeves on my jacket, and running around with boys that turned up their collars and wore football jerseys in town on the weekends. How did I wind up sitting at a Mexican restaurant next to a mature gentleman with touches of silver around his temples, on my first date in NINETEEN years? It was beyond bizarre.

No dreaming of a white dress and a huge wedding; I’ve already done that and so has he. Neither are wondering what a child would look like if we had one together; our child-bearing eras are over. He’s not sweaty and nervous when he kisses me or asks me on a date; anyone single and older than forty generally knows what they’re doing. Not only has he asked hundreds of women out in his lifetime, he’s also popped the question a time or two. While I had once dated boys, dating an actual ‘older’ man, one with a deep voice and the ability to grow a full beard is both thrilling and strange. This guy has a job, a mortgage, ex-wives, grown children and even a grandchild. What am I doing?

As a dating-happy teen, I could just grab my (Guess) bag and run out the door. At age forty and divorced, it’s getting home from work exhausted and bewildered at the mess early-morning dashers left behind, then rides to sports practices and slapping dinner on the table before I can even think about that night’s wardrobe or what I’m going to do with my hair.

It’s trading PMS for peri-menopause, and sun-kissed highlights for whatever will cover the gray that the last romantic go-round gave me. Not the condition I had ever consciously meant to greet the dating world in; but a sudden divorce meant little to no prep time. Why did I date again so soon after marriage? Those who’ve divorced can attest; it’s lonely within the relationship years before those final papers are signed. I desired some company and a much-needed ego boost.

Admittedly, I was ill-prepared. The standard dating advice is to be genuine, be at your ease, and be paying close attention to potential red flags. Now just where and when would I have honed those skills? The furthest my ability went to read people was to know when someone was teething, had to go to the bathroom, or needed a nap.

Many of my married friends were visibly uncomfortable with the fact that I was single again. They scrambled mightily to get me un-singled, ASAP. After all, no one likes to see a bench warmer. I knew what was up; they wanted their friend to get back out there and get the crap beaten out of her, just like the rest of the team. Old ladies said: “When I met my husband, he just snatched me right up. He didn’t wait around like you people do nowadays.” Clergy said: “Anyone that knows how to play the game doesn’t last out in the dating world long!” (Thanks pal. No pressure.) Friends and family said: “You’re too good to be single.” (Really, does that mean I did something ‘bad’ to get to this point? Nice.)

Being forty still doesn’t lessen the nervousness factor. If anything, the first time I dated anyone after my divorce, I was more petrified than I ever remembered being as a teen. After my first date, I broke out in hives. Big ones.

Dating at middle age is definitely not for the faint of heart, but there is some good news:

If he didn’t like me, it wasn’t going to be the end of my world. I would cry a little but I sure wouldn’t cry all night like I did when I was a girl. I could get by just fine without a man in my life and, amazingly enough, still feel like a worthwhile individual. I didn’t need a boyfriend to validate my existence, nor to complete me. They were nice to have around, and if one of the relationships wanted to ride out the wave, cool. If not, I had plenty of other things to do and an already-full life to lead. Instead of being a pined-for necessity, these grown-up men became invited guests to a party that had already been going strong for a few years.

So if you’re on the fence about dating after 40, or after a divorce, go ahead and give it a whirl. You might just enjoy yourself.

As my heroine from ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ puts it, “I’m older, I’m smarter, and I have more insurance.”

-Amy

Tell us, how did you get back in the dating game after divorce or a broken relationship? Was it difficult? What’s it like dating at 40 or still being single at any age, when many of your friends are married with kids? We’d love to know! Share any dating tips or stories you might have.

xoxEDxox

BIO:

Amy Larson is a non-recovering chocoholic, middle child, and champion truth seeker. If there is any irony, humor, or the absurd to be found, she’ll find it.

Married for nearly twenty years, then divorced, she moved as a heartbroken single mother of three into a new neighborhood and wound up marrying the neighbor down the street. The new husband brought with him his ferret, two grown children, two grandchildren, and a family where parents and four out of five nearby siblings all lived in that same neighborhood. Can we say, “Everybody Loves Raymond: Extreme Edition”?

During her single mom years, Amy, once used to financial security and a somewhat comfortable life, reluctantly found work as a housecleaner. Often while scrubbing and listening to NPR, she thought, “I could do that. I could write like that.” Little by little, she began submitting work to local newspapers, which led to a gig reporting for one of the nation’s top rodeos.  After that, her writing career got busier, and a grateful Amy Larson now writes content for local and state magazines, newspapers, is a weekly contributor to several blogsites, and concocts advertising articles for a daily deals corporation. Her dream job is to be a food and travel writer, because she’d dearly like to have an excuse to both eat and globe-trot for a living. She likes food of all kinds, (especially if there’s a heat factor), and will eat almost anything within reason, as long as it’s covered in chocolate.

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Emotional Cheating Vs. Physical Cheating. The Debate.
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
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By Guest Blogger Layne Dalfen

Why We Dream About Sex

Have you ever dreamt about having sex with your best friend? Or dreamt about sex with a hot stranger, perhaps while lying in bed right next to your partner?! How does this dream make you feel when you wake up? Aroused? Uncomfortable? Guilty? All of the above?

It’s not surprising that of all the dream topics I analyze with clients, sex dreams top the titillation–and confusion–charts. The way we dream about sex can uncover our deepest secrets about ourselves helping us problem-solve and offering critical guidance on important life issues. You just need to know how to deconstruct them. Discovering why you had a particular dream is an investigation. You’ll want to ask yourself questions to solve the puzzle. Remember that in our dreams we are decision-making, testing out different solutions to our problems. We are practicing different behaviors. And all of the possible ways of behaving in every situation we face are there for us in our dreams. Why feel stuck with the same reactions to situations over and over again when our dreams offer us the potential to change our behavior and our lives?

Sexual dreams can indicate that our body needs sexual release. But they can mean so much more. They can give us a chance to understand conflicts or opportunities in our sexual lives. They can wake in us our need for love or nurturing in our relationship. Even more importantly, they can serve as metaphors for nonsexual issues and situations in our personal and professional lives. Sexual dreams can reveal a union between different aspects of our own selves.

The dream reflects a current need or situation

Before I look for possible meanings in a dream, I always like to look at first things first. The first level of your dream always reflects a very specific current issue in your life that you are attempting to problem-solve. We are adept at hiding our feelings from ourselves and we do so easily keeping busy daily.  We may not always be in touch with our needs. Well, your subconscious never lies to you. Dreaming is a form of thinking without the filter.

To attach your sexual dream to the need or situation it is reflecting, the first thing you’ll want to ask yourself is if you need some release. Sometimes a sexual dream is there to inspire you to ask your partner for some loving.  Maybe your dream is just there to make you feel good!

Dreams offer a safe place to practice.

Sarah, who was brought up in an extremely conservative home, had the idea it was a woman’s place to always lie under the man when having sexual intercourse. Recently she had recurring sexual dreams in which she was always on top. Sometimes it wasn’t her husband either! After eighteen years of marriage she was bored with their routine sexual life. Sarah had to admit that her dreams were exciting. At forty-five years old, her dreams provided Sarah with a safe place to let go of her teenage conditioning and practice how it feels being in the top position. When she felt comfortable enough Sarah took her new idea out into her waking life and surprised her husband!

Metaphors for nonsexual situations

Sexual dreams are often also directly related to problem-solving situations in our personal or professional lives. So when literal explanations for your dream don’t seem to ring true, search out a metaphoric meaning. Allan, a client of mine kept dreaming that his wife was cheating on him. When looking first for a literal explanation, I asked him, “Is it true? Do you really think she is cheating on you?” His answer was no. So we began to investigate other possibilities as to the dream’s meaning. The act of doing this is exactly like trying to solve a puzzle. You try one piece, and if that doesn’t fit, you try another. I like to call these puzzle pieces different points of entry into the dream.

In Allan’s case I tried a “feelings” point of entry by asking, “How do the dreams make you feel?” His response was immediate. “Betrayed. Surprised. Saddened. Angry.” I asked, “What situation do you think went on in your life this week that has made you feel the same emotions?” It was in answering that question that Allan clicked on the dream’s meaning.

A client who had been doing business with Allan for many years, who he felt very close to and whom he thought he could depend on, (much like his wife), took some of their business to a competitor. Allan was not expressing outwardly the tremendous feeling of sadness and betrayal he was experiencing. His subconscious using a picture of his wife cheating on him, accomplished its task. The dream gives rise to an emotion that helps you move closer towards the goal. In this case the goal or lesson of the dream, was to get the dreamer in touch with the sadness he was experiencing and to express it. In many situations it is most beneficial if we can express our feelings directly to the person it concerns. But even when that is not possible, the simple act of expressing out instead of holding in can be a great release. You let some air out of the balloon. The dream has served its purpose. Happily it was Allan’s wife who was there to lean on.

Once you have correctly decoded a dream’s meaning (and by that I mean that you have succeeded in discovering what specific problem the dream is addressing), you will be astounded by how precisely it mirrors that situation!

Recapturing your disowned character traits

All the parts of your dreams represent different parts of you. You are the producer, the director, and all the players in your dream. You are the wall, the water, the road, and even the snake. In a movie one person can’t play all the parts! Likewise, in our dreams, we cannot play all the parts. In life I am Layne the wife, the mother, the daughter, the aunt, the friend, the writer, the radio personality, and the dream analyst. I can be giving, selfish, sad, happy, weak, strong, assertive, shy, angry and frustrated, or optimistic and energetic.

In dreams we usually take the role we most easily connect to in our waking lives, and give out the other parts to people, animals, or objects. We use them as metaphors and symbols to say something to ourselves that only we can understand.  So our dreams show us different characteristics we need to be fully ourselves, in every situation and give us the opportunity to reunite these “divorced” aspects of our own character, so that we can move forward through life with a deeper, truer self. When a character trait is “missing” and needed in a particular situation, that trait will very likely present itself in the person’s dreams.

We all have freedom of choice as to how we want to behave and who we want to be. Having the ability to understand our dreams gives us the opportunity to be completely in touch with our whole selves when making decisions.

Steps to take and questions to ask yourself to decode your sexual dreams:

1. Look for a literal meaning. Is the story of the dream something that really happened? Is it something you really do want to do?
2. Write down how you felt in the dream. Is there a correlation between how you felt in the dream and something that is going on in your life?
3. Isolate the symbols. (People, places and things) What comes to your mind when you think about the symbol? Is anyone in your life behaving like that recently? Is it that you might need to adopt that characteristic in your current situation?
4. Say the dream out loud. Maybe you’ll discover a word play or pun!  For example, a woman who dreamed there were snakes on the floor and said, “I couldn’t put my foot down” was subconsciously referring to an inability to “put her foot down” in a situation with her husband.

Once you find the mirror, look for the solution:

1. Is the solution in the action or lack of it? Is the action appropriate to the situation?
2. What behavior or personality type can I take from the dream and use in my current situation?
3. What strength about my character do I need to tap into right now in my life? An example is a woman who dreams that she falls to her death, gets up and walks away. The dream makes a comment to illustrate how when she hits rock bottom, she knows how to pick herself up and carry on.

Remember, dreams allow us to experiment, try new things, learn, all in a safe way, and then transofrm ourselves in our waking lives. Next time you dream a dream, don’t be too quick to dismiss it– it will often give you the answer to looming questions you’ve been sitting on the fence about in your life.

~Layne

BIO:

Layne Dalfen, Dream Analyst

Founder of The Dream Interpretation Center, and author of Dreams Do Come True; Decoding Your Dreams To Discover Your Full Potential, Layne Dalfen has emerged as a speaker and guest on TV and radio programs in the United States and Canada.  She lectures at schools and universities and speaks yearly at  conferences all over the world.

Layne provides the tools needed to decode and understand why we have certain dreams on a particular night, and how that knowledge can potentially enrich our lives.

She is currently a part of a new Internet Social Networking Site called http://www.dreamcatcher.net/layne launching this month worldwide.

Tell us, do you have sexual dreams? Do you have recurring dreams? Have you had dreams that have actually helped you make a real life decision? Do you remember your dreams or forget them? Share any experiences with our readers.

POST YOUR DREAM, AND LAYNE MIGHT ANALYZE IT FOR YOU!

Happy Friday!

xoxEDxox

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• Sex Talk
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