While I realize that not everyone is facing this issue, and while the topic may not have the usual “mass appeal,” it is quietly going on behind closed doors in many homes around the world. Today, I wanted to crush the shame, and help those who might be suffering.

Erica

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By Guest Blogger Paldrom Collins

When I first met the man who is now my husband and he told me that his work was counseling men with sexual addiction, I remember clearly the feeling of wanting to stick my fingers in my ears while loudly shouting “la-la-la-la.” That was quickly followed by the immediate conclusion that this man was not someone I would want to talk with ever again. But life as a jokester led me to want to get to know this man, even with a career that was initially oh-so-embarrassing to hear about. And it didn’t end there. I soon learned that not only did George counsel sex addicts; he was a recovering sex addict himself.

Sexual addiction is a compulsive sexual behavior that dominates an addict’s life, taking priority over work, friends, and even family.

After we were married, I found my skills as a teacher, counselor, and coach were calling me to join my husband in his work. I now support and guide the wives and partners of individuals who are suffering from what I had considered to be such an unmentionable and embarrassing problem. I have discovered that these men and women are ordinary people who just happen to have a problem with how sex and sexuality manifests in their lives.

If you are reading these words, you may be wondering if your partner is a sex addict. You may know that something is wrong with your intimate sexual connection. It’s possible that your partner is looking at a lot of pornography on the Internet and masturbating, or he may have escalated his online activities. He may be frequenting prostitutes, engaging in multiple affairs, or participating in other sexual encounters that are outside of his relationship with you. If he is engaging in sexual behaviors that are destructive to the relationship and he wants to stop but doesn’t seem to be able to, then it is wise for you to suspect sexual compulsivity or addiction.

You cannot make your partner (or anyone else) see what they do not want to recognize or are not ready to face. Successfully dealing with sexual addiction or compulsivity generally requires outside support from someone who understands and works with this issue — or, at the very least, the partner who is sexually compulsive needs to receive support by joining a group that focuses on this problem. The most important point for you to remember is to trust yourself and your intuition. You can be true to yourself and honor your own thoughts, feelings, and perceptions.

“At times, men begin using porn because the sexual connection inside their relationship has temporarily lessened – for example when children arrive on the scene or maybe when their partner has become engrossed in work or in a project. The portrayal of sex as a matter of power and domination is a common theme in much of porn.  This can create a distortion and confusion about sexual impulses and what is actually desirable for women.  Those who have viewed a lot of pornography can start to imagine that women in real life are like the women portrayed in pornography. This is one way that sexual compulsion can damage a relationship. In their practice, porn addiction profoundly affects women in their relationships, triggering stress due to the lack of physical and emotional connection with their husbands.” (George and Paldrom).

If you suspect your partner has an issue with sexual compulsivity, in order for you to attempt to continue your relationship, three factors need to be in place:

1. He needs to realize he has a problem and have the desire and willingness to stop sexually acting out. He needs to find support in stopping the behavior.
2. You need to have the desire and willingness to go through the process of investigation with your partner.
3. You both need to be willing to begin to look into the dynamics within your relationship system that are not working.

If sexual compulsion or addiction is a part of your relationship, it is helpful to keep in mind:

1. You are not responsible for your partner’s sexually addictive behaviors. His choices about how he deals with his irritations and stimulations are his alone, as are yours.
2. Your partner’s sexually addictive actions are not an indication that he does not love you.
3. Your relationship is not hopeless or doomed because your partner has a problem with sexual compulsivity.
4. You are not weak or damaged because you want to stay with your partner and rebuild your relationship.
5. You don’t have to force yourself to trust your partner right now. It is normal to feel angry, upset, and mistrusting.
6. You don’t need to go through this time alone. Reach out to friends, family, and other support systems.

All relationships can be difficult at times. The challenges of relating openly with an intimate partner can be like a master class in human interaction. But when you have two people who have the willingness to work with the painful feelings and emotions that arise in dealing with a difficult passage, there is an opportunity for growth, awareness, freedom and ultimately for deeper love and intimate connection.

This goes for anything in life.

~Paldrom

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About Paldrom Collins…

Formerly a Tibetan Buddhist nun, Paldrom Collins works with her husband, George Collins, counseling individuals and couples across the country by phone and in Walnut Creek, California at Compulsion Solutions, which was founded by George in 1995. They have written the book “A Couple’s Guide to Sexual Addiction: A Step-by-Step Plan to Rebuild Trust & Restore Intimacy,” focusing on what happens to relationships once addiction is exposed and how they can be repaired which, happily, they often are.

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What are your thoughts on this topic? Some researchers claim there is “no such a thing as sex addiction.” Have you encountered this in any of your relationships, and perhaps have some advice you can share with our readers? Were you able to move past the infidelity? Feel free to comment anonymously.

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Runaway Husbands
• Closed On Open Marriage
• A Secretive Spouse
• Emotional Cheating Vs. Physical Cheating. The Debate.
• Elizabeth Edwards, A Woman On The Fence

By Guest Blogger By Eric J. Leech

Men don’t like to talk about themselves much. For this reason, many of their idiosyncrasies are largely left a mystery. Today, I am pulling back the curtain, revealing the delicate balance of what separates a man from the boy. Whether you are married, in a relationship, navigating dating websites or the bar scene, these four tips will help bring new understanding to what you already thought you knew about men.

Women On The Fence readers, here is a private viewing, a sneak peak into our minds….

Sex is Love

Men do not deal with intangible emotions very well. When you say that you love him, he recognizes these words mean something very special, but the proof is always in the pudding. Now I am not advocating jumping in the sack on a first date to show him you’re interested, but if you are already invested in a committed relationship, don’t allow the sex to dwindle.

Just as women crave the emotional connection with their partner, men crave the physical. So you know, after sex is when a man feels closest to his partner. He may be slobbering all over himself in his sleep, but trust me, your bond has been fortified. Sex is a confidence builder. It reminds him that you are still attracted to him.

Now it doesn’t all have to be about sex. Men also appreciate the subtle message behind a kiss or a home-cooked meal (yes he loves those). However, sometimes no matter how hard you try, he just doesn’t seem interested in sex, but there’s an explanation for this…

He May Not Always Ask for What He Really Wants

There is a mental disease that effects just about every man in the world, and it’s called Approval Addiction. When men are bored and depressed with their sex life, it is often nobody else’s problem but their own. Men are so addicted to receiving approval from others, he would rather sulk, than ask his partner if she’d be up to trying something new.

Men keep their sexual fantasies a secret out of fear that she might not approve. Some studies suggest this phenomenon may even be one of the motivating factors to cheating. He would rather express his fantasies to someone he barely knows (whose opinion does not matter), than risk the possibility his partner might say no (a form of disapproval).

He Can Have Deep Emotional Connections

The sensitive man is not a new concept. Evidence suggests that men are actually born with more expressive emotional capabilities than women. The problem is, within the first few years of life, men are taught to hide their feelings (hurt), and learn not to need anybody. The result is your typical John Wayne, who may be manly and cool, but has a limited vocabulary of mostly “yup’s” and “nopes.”

A woman can help a man discover his feminine side, and I am not talking about spending hours styling your hair or playing karaoke. This is a guy, who will share his feelings and needs, while better understanding your own. The most important step is to reach out to him, and empathize with his stress. Men are largely untouched from age three on up. While he may not realize it, he desperately craves this kind of attention. He needs a woman who will hug him, ask how he feels, and patiently waits until he’s ready to talk about it.

He’s Sorry Only When He Thinks He’s Done Wrong

Women appear to have an easier time apologizing than men. You may think that he is just resistant because of his pride, but there are other forces at play. What research suggests, is that men are more lenient when it comes to their actions. For instance, let’s say a guy drives over to his buddy’s house, wakes him up in the middle of the night, drags him to a bar, gets him drunk, then drops him off in the morning, causing him to be late for work, and lose his job. This should require an apology, according to most women. To a guy, he may pat his buddy on the back in condolences, but being ‘sorry’ will never cross his mind. He didn’t do anything, after all, other than show his friend a good time.

Catch my drift?

According to studies, both men and women apologize about 80 percent of the time they think they’ve done something wrong. The reason there appears to be such a discrepancy, is because men don’t think they’re wrong very often. If it makes you feel any better, men also don’t believe they are owed an apology for most infractions, so don’t worry about dishing out “I’m sorry,” unless the occasion really calls for it.

Something to keep in mind– at the end of the day, men really aren’t that complex. It’s just a matter of taking the time to understand how they’re hard-wired. Believe me, we spend much time trying to figure you women out too.

~Eric

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BIO:

Nestled within the boundaries of the Love capital of the United States, Loveland Colorado, resides a columnist/author/actor/ entrepreneur, Eric J. Leech. Having grown up in a rather Y-chromosome deficient neighborhood, Eric spent his childhood playing house, Barbies (vs. G.I. Joe). Out of high school, Eric attended Colorado State University where he earned degrees in English, Psychology, Social Sciences, and Theater Arts.

Eric has since put every degree to good use with a variety of career undertakings, including eight years as an actor/model/ director for various television and film projects and the co-owner of an outdoor living structure design company. Eric has recently found himself quite the connoisseur as a known columnist, author and celebrity profiler for various publications and projects.

He has been featured with such magazines as (UMM) Urban Male Magazine (Canada), Turbo & High Performance, Import Tuner, Circle (India), Alternative Trends (International), UNO (Philippines), D’Luxe, The Strip, and Coffee House Digest (International) and Huffington Post.

For every love stricken soul who has ever spent an afternoon bent-over a garden picking daisy petals, singing, “she/he loves me… She/he loves me not,” there could be an atomic-sized love wedgie waiting just one bad decision away. Eric says, “Drop those daisy’s, tuck-in that vulnerable (underwear) waistband, and let’s find a relationship worth singing about!”

Eric J. Leech is the featured writer at DatingWebsites.org

You can also find him at EricLeech.com

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Tell us, do you agree with Eric? Does this all make sense, ladies? Men, do you agree with Eric? I’d love your point of view on this!

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• A Man’s View About Sex
• Sexy Quirky Marriage: Do You Have One?
• The Good Ol’ Fashioned Double Standard
• Cyber Sex and Your Relationship

By Guest Blogger Amy Larson

It feels like just yesterday I was wearing big hair, jelly shoes and bracelets, rolled sleeves on my jacket, and running around with boys that turned up their collars and wore football jerseys in town on the weekends. How did I wind up sitting at a Mexican restaurant next to a mature gentleman with touches of silver around his temples, on my first date in NINETEEN years? It was beyond bizarre.

No dreaming of a white dress and a huge wedding; I’ve already done that and so has he. Neither are wondering what a child would look like if we had one together; our child-bearing eras are over. He’s not sweaty and nervous when he kisses me or asks me on a date; anyone single and older than forty generally knows what they’re doing. Not only has he asked hundreds of women out in his lifetime, he’s also popped the question a time or two. While I had once dated boys, dating an actual ‘older’ man, one with a deep voice and the ability to grow a full beard is both thrilling and strange. This guy has a job, a mortgage, ex-wives, grown children and even a grandchild. What am I doing?

As a dating-happy teen, I could just grab my (Guess) bag and run out the door. At age forty and divorced, it’s getting home from work exhausted and bewildered at the mess early-morning dashers left behind, then rides to sports practices and slapping dinner on the table before I can even think about that night’s wardrobe or what I’m going to do with my hair.

It’s trading PMS for peri-menopause, and sun-kissed highlights for whatever will cover the gray that the last romantic go-round gave me. Not the condition I had ever consciously meant to greet the dating world in; but a sudden divorce meant little to no prep time. Why did I date again so soon after marriage? Those who’ve divorced can attest; it’s lonely within the relationship years before those final papers are signed. I desired some company and a much-needed ego boost.

Admittedly, I was ill-prepared. The standard dating advice is to be genuine, be at your ease, and be paying close attention to potential red flags. Now just where and when would I have honed those skills? The furthest my ability went to read people was to know when someone was teething, had to go to the bathroom, or needed a nap.

Many of my married friends were visibly uncomfortable with the fact that I was single again. They scrambled mightily to get me un-singled, ASAP. After all, no one likes to see a bench warmer. I knew what was up; they wanted their friend to get back out there and get the crap beaten out of her, just like the rest of the team. Old ladies said: “When I met my husband, he just snatched me right up. He didn’t wait around like you people do nowadays.” Clergy said: “Anyone that knows how to play the game doesn’t last out in the dating world long!” (Thanks pal. No pressure.) Friends and family said: “You’re too good to be single.” (Really, does that mean I did something ‘bad’ to get to this point? Nice.)

Being forty still doesn’t lessen the nervousness factor. If anything, the first time I dated anyone after my divorce, I was more petrified than I ever remembered being as a teen. After my first date, I broke out in hives. Big ones.

Dating at middle age is definitely not for the faint of heart, but there is some good news:

If he didn’t like me, it wasn’t going to be the end of my world. I would cry a little but I sure wouldn’t cry all night like I did when I was a girl. I could get by just fine without a man in my life and, amazingly enough, still feel like a worthwhile individual. I didn’t need a boyfriend to validate my existence, nor to complete me. They were nice to have around, and if one of the relationships wanted to ride out the wave, cool. If not, I had plenty of other things to do and an already-full life to lead. Instead of being a pined-for necessity, these grown-up men became invited guests to a party that had already been going strong for a few years.

So if you’re on the fence about dating after 40, or after a divorce, go ahead and give it a whirl. You might just enjoy yourself.

As my heroine from ‘Fried Green Tomatoes’ puts it, “I’m older, I’m smarter, and I have more insurance.”

-Amy

Tell us, how did you get back in the dating game after divorce or a broken relationship? Was it difficult? What’s it like dating at 40 or still being single at any age, when many of your friends are married with kids? We’d love to know! Share any dating tips or stories you might have.

xoxEDxox

BIO:

Amy Larson is a non-recovering chocoholic, middle child, and champion truth seeker. If there is any irony, humor, or the absurd to be found, she’ll find it.

Married for nearly twenty years, then divorced, she moved as a heartbroken single mother of three into a new neighborhood and wound up marrying the neighbor down the street. The new husband brought with him his ferret, two grown children, two grandchildren, and a family where parents and four out of five nearby siblings all lived in that same neighborhood. Can we say, “Everybody Loves Raymond: Extreme Edition”?

During her single mom years, Amy, once used to financial security and a somewhat comfortable life, reluctantly found work as a housecleaner. Often while scrubbing and listening to NPR, she thought, “I could do that. I could write like that.” Little by little, she began submitting work to local newspapers, which led to a gig reporting for one of the nation’s top rodeos.  After that, her writing career got busier, and a grateful Amy Larson now writes content for local and state magazines, newspapers, is a weekly contributor to several blogsites, and concocts advertising articles for a daily deals corporation. Her dream job is to be a food and travel writer, because she’d dearly like to have an excuse to both eat and globe-trot for a living. She likes food of all kinds, (especially if there’s a heat factor), and will eat almost anything within reason, as long as it’s covered in chocolate.

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Emotional Cheating Vs. Physical Cheating. The Debate.
• Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
• Four Things You Should Know About Men
• The State of Marriage and Divorce
• How I Saved My Marriage

By Guest Blogger Layne Dalfen

Why We Dream About Sex

Have you ever dreamt about having sex with your best friend? Or dreamt about sex with a hot stranger, perhaps while lying in bed right next to your partner?! How does this dream make you feel when you wake up? Aroused? Uncomfortable? Guilty? All of the above?

It’s not surprising that of all the dream topics I analyze with clients, sex dreams top the titillation–and confusion–charts. The way we dream about sex can uncover our deepest secrets about ourselves helping us problem-solve and offering critical guidance on important life issues. You just need to know how to deconstruct them. Discovering why you had a particular dream is an investigation. You’ll want to ask yourself questions to solve the puzzle. Remember that in our dreams we are decision-making, testing out different solutions to our problems. We are practicing different behaviors. And all of the possible ways of behaving in every situation we face are there for us in our dreams. Why feel stuck with the same reactions to situations over and over again when our dreams offer us the potential to change our behavior and our lives?

Sexual dreams can indicate that our body needs sexual release. But they can mean so much more. They can give us a chance to understand conflicts or opportunities in our sexual lives. They can wake in us our need for love or nurturing in our relationship. Even more importantly, they can serve as metaphors for nonsexual issues and situations in our personal and professional lives. Sexual dreams can reveal a union between different aspects of our own selves.

The dream reflects a current need or situation

Before I look for possible meanings in a dream, I always like to look at first things first. The first level of your dream always reflects a very specific current issue in your life that you are attempting to problem-solve. We are adept at hiding our feelings from ourselves and we do so easily keeping busy daily.  We may not always be in touch with our needs. Well, your subconscious never lies to you. Dreaming is a form of thinking without the filter.

To attach your sexual dream to the need or situation it is reflecting, the first thing you’ll want to ask yourself is if you need some release. Sometimes a sexual dream is there to inspire you to ask your partner for some loving.  Maybe your dream is just there to make you feel good!

Dreams offer a safe place to practice.

Sarah, who was brought up in an extremely conservative home, had the idea it was a woman’s place to always lie under the man when having sexual intercourse. Recently she had recurring sexual dreams in which she was always on top. Sometimes it wasn’t her husband either! After eighteen years of marriage she was bored with their routine sexual life. Sarah had to admit that her dreams were exciting. At forty-five years old, her dreams provided Sarah with a safe place to let go of her teenage conditioning and practice how it feels being in the top position. When she felt comfortable enough Sarah took her new idea out into her waking life and surprised her husband!

Metaphors for nonsexual situations

Sexual dreams are often also directly related to problem-solving situations in our personal or professional lives. So when literal explanations for your dream don’t seem to ring true, search out a metaphoric meaning. Allan, a client of mine kept dreaming that his wife was cheating on him. When looking first for a literal explanation, I asked him, “Is it true? Do you really think she is cheating on you?” His answer was no. So we began to investigate other possibilities as to the dream’s meaning. The act of doing this is exactly like trying to solve a puzzle. You try one piece, and if that doesn’t fit, you try another. I like to call these puzzle pieces different points of entry into the dream.

In Allan’s case I tried a “feelings” point of entry by asking, “How do the dreams make you feel?” His response was immediate. “Betrayed. Surprised. Saddened. Angry.” I asked, “What situation do you think went on in your life this week that has made you feel the same emotions?” It was in answering that question that Allan clicked on the dream’s meaning.

A client who had been doing business with Allan for many years, who he felt very close to and whom he thought he could depend on, (much like his wife), took some of their business to a competitor. Allan was not expressing outwardly the tremendous feeling of sadness and betrayal he was experiencing. His subconscious using a picture of his wife cheating on him, accomplished its task. The dream gives rise to an emotion that helps you move closer towards the goal. In this case the goal or lesson of the dream, was to get the dreamer in touch with the sadness he was experiencing and to express it. In many situations it is most beneficial if we can express our feelings directly to the person it concerns. But even when that is not possible, the simple act of expressing out instead of holding in can be a great release. You let some air out of the balloon. The dream has served its purpose. Happily it was Allan’s wife who was there to lean on.

Once you have correctly decoded a dream’s meaning (and by that I mean that you have succeeded in discovering what specific problem the dream is addressing), you will be astounded by how precisely it mirrors that situation!

Recapturing your disowned character traits

All the parts of your dreams represent different parts of you. You are the producer, the director, and all the players in your dream. You are the wall, the water, the road, and even the snake. In a movie one person can’t play all the parts! Likewise, in our dreams, we cannot play all the parts. In life I am Layne the wife, the mother, the daughter, the aunt, the friend, the writer, the radio personality, and the dream analyst. I can be giving, selfish, sad, happy, weak, strong, assertive, shy, angry and frustrated, or optimistic and energetic.

In dreams we usually take the role we most easily connect to in our waking lives, and give out the other parts to people, animals, or objects. We use them as metaphors and symbols to say something to ourselves that only we can understand.  So our dreams show us different characteristics we need to be fully ourselves, in every situation and give us the opportunity to reunite these “divorced” aspects of our own character, so that we can move forward through life with a deeper, truer self. When a character trait is “missing” and needed in a particular situation, that trait will very likely present itself in the person’s dreams.

We all have freedom of choice as to how we want to behave and who we want to be. Having the ability to understand our dreams gives us the opportunity to be completely in touch with our whole selves when making decisions.

Steps to take and questions to ask yourself to decode your sexual dreams:

1. Look for a literal meaning. Is the story of the dream something that really happened? Is it something you really do want to do?
2. Write down how you felt in the dream. Is there a correlation between how you felt in the dream and something that is going on in your life?
3. Isolate the symbols. (People, places and things) What comes to your mind when you think about the symbol? Is anyone in your life behaving like that recently? Is it that you might need to adopt that characteristic in your current situation?
4. Say the dream out loud. Maybe you’ll discover a word play or pun!  For example, a woman who dreamed there were snakes on the floor and said, “I couldn’t put my foot down” was subconsciously referring to an inability to “put her foot down” in a situation with her husband.

Once you find the mirror, look for the solution:

1. Is the solution in the action or lack of it? Is the action appropriate to the situation?
2. What behavior or personality type can I take from the dream and use in my current situation?
3. What strength about my character do I need to tap into right now in my life? An example is a woman who dreams that she falls to her death, gets up and walks away. The dream makes a comment to illustrate how when she hits rock bottom, she knows how to pick herself up and carry on.

Remember, dreams allow us to experiment, try new things, learn, all in a safe way, and then transofrm ourselves in our waking lives. Next time you dream a dream, don’t be too quick to dismiss it– it will often give you the answer to looming questions you’ve been sitting on the fence about in your life.

~Layne

BIO:

Layne Dalfen, Dream Analyst

Founder of The Dream Interpretation Center, and author of Dreams Do Come True; Decoding Your Dreams To Discover Your Full Potential, Layne Dalfen has emerged as a speaker and guest on TV and radio programs in the United States and Canada.  She lectures at schools and universities and speaks yearly at  conferences all over the world.

Layne provides the tools needed to decode and understand why we have certain dreams on a particular night, and how that knowledge can potentially enrich our lives.

She is currently a part of a new Internet Social Networking Site called http://www.dreamcatcher.net/layne launching this month worldwide.

Tell us, do you have sexual dreams? Do you have recurring dreams? Have you had dreams that have actually helped you make a real life decision? Do you remember your dreams or forget them? Share any experiences with our readers.

POST YOUR DREAM, AND LAYNE MIGHT ANALYZE IT FOR YOU!

Happy Friday!

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Problem Solving While You Sleep
• A Man’s View About Sex
• Four Things You Should Know About Men
• Sex Talk
• In New York, Concrete Jungle Where Dreams Are Made Of, There’s Nothing You Can’t Do, Now You’re in New York

I really wanted to blog about the current events surrounding Congressman Anthony Weiner. Yes, THAT Weiner who showed HIS Wiener on Twitter and then lied about it. But then I reconnected with one of our amazing previous Guest Bloggers, Kiri Blakeley, who has been covering all things Weinergate. And I think she did a better job than me.

I really wanted to pose this question to you: IS SEXTING AND CYBERSEXING WITHOUT PHYSICAL CONTACT, ACTUALLY CHEATING?

By Guest Blogger Kiri Blakeley

Last time I guest blogged on WomenOnTheFence.com, I described finding out that my longtime fiance, the man I was about to marry, was secretly gay and had been cheating on me with men for years. I wrote a book about it called Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love.

My fiance, Aaron, was able to find these men—not surprisingly—through the Internet.

The Internet has not only revolutionized the way we shop, read, research and keep in touch—but also the way we cheat. It has introduced a whole new form of infidelity: cyber-cheating or “sexting.” This type of betrayal may never end up between the literal sheets, but it rolls around in the ether-sheets of cyberspace, a Minotaur that’s half real, half-fantasy.

It has also made “real” cheating, physical cheating, easier than ever. Aaron would arrange to meet up with strange men he find online during his lunch hour—something that, time-wise, would have been much more complex before the Internet. In fact, given how Aaron and I spent virtually every single night together for ten years straight (no pun intended), I don’t know if he would have ever cheated had it not been for the convenience of the Internet. Certainly, if he’d been coming home at 3 a.m. smelling like a gay bar, I might have caught on to things.

Then there were the times Aaron wouldn’t meet up with anyone, but merely send people pics of himself and of his penis. Speaking of which, how about that Rep. Anthony Weiner scandal?

Part of the reason this salacious affair, which I have been writing about on my Forbes blog, interests me is because I can relate to what Weiner’s wife, the pregnant and brilliant Huma Abedin, might be feeling. We all suffer heartbreak if we discover our man is cheating—but there is something particularly galling about infidelity sparking to life via modern day technology. I’ll tell you why.

The Internet, computers, Blackberries, iPads, cell phones and other forms of technology have become such an integrated part of our lives—and often integral to our jobs—that there is virtually no way to tell a hubby who has been caught cyber-cheating, or cheating with someone he met through cyber-space, to give up the tools that facilitated the betrayal.

In the old days, if your husband met someone in a bar and ended up cheating, you at least had the option of demanding he stay away from that bar. Years ago, if the mistress called, you could scream at her and hang up. Now, how would you know hubby is chronically sexting unless you regularly checked all of his online accounts and cell phones? Not only would you have to get his passwords for everything, but you’d also have to know about every account. Most women aren’t part-time, high-tech forensic scientists.

For me, there’s something about cyber-cheating via Facebook, as Weiner did, that is particularly ick-inducing. That’s the same venue people use to talk to Aunt Doris about her gall bladder operation and keep up with old college pals! In Weiner’s case, he would use it to update constituents. Call me crazy, but I’d prefer my man cheat through AshleyMadison.com. Something more honest and up-front about it.

My book also delineates the relationship I had with a man named James, whom I date after my break-up with Aaron. James and I had one of those love/hate, on/off relationships, but after we finally settled into a monogamous (I thought) relationship, a little snooping into his email and cell phone revealed flirtations with other women. I was as upset about this as if I’d found out he’d physically cheated—probably because I could see the words they exchanged. It’s one thing to have cheating left to your imagination; it’s another to see it in plain black and white. Especially if the black and white shows that the other women are banal and can’t spell.

With physical cheating, every molecule of your being is outraged, and rightfully so. But with cyber-cheating, some small part of you is determined to be relentlessly rational about it. “What’s the harm?” that part of your brain might nag. “He didn’t have sex with them.”

That cold nugget of reason wars with the part that of you that is crushed to learn that your man would say he loves you and then turn around and sext another woman. Since cyber-cheating happens in the click of a mouse, he can even do it right under your nose: A practiced sexter can sext anytime, anywhere—maybe while he’s in bed with you, pretending to check his Blackberry for messages from his boss. Maybe he’s even emailing his boss and 200 women! People are pretty good at multitasking these days.

There used to be some separation between you and the mistress. Perhaps you got Mondays; she got Wednesdays. You got the country; she got the city. Not so with cyber-cheating. One scene in my book describes how I break into James’s email account to find he is emailing me and another woman simultaneously. Bleh!

So the question is, do you stay with a cyber-cheater? The answer would be different for every woman. What would you do? And the other million dollar question… is sexting without physical intimacy considered cheating? I’d love to hear from you.

~Kiri

BIO:

Kiri Blakeley is the author of a great summer beach read Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. She also writes about women and pop culture for Forbes. Visit her at kiriblakeley.com or at her blog at Forbes The Bold Type.

Have a great weekend readers! Off to meet Richard Branson soon.

xoxEDxox

Other articles you might enjoy:

• Cyber Sex and Your Relationship
• Emotional Cheating Vs. Physical Cheating. The Debate.
• Behind Closed Doors: I Married a Sex Addict
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When Jacqueline Elman pitched me on this topic a few weeks ago, I honestly wasn’t sure if if you ladies would go for it. But then, I thought “Hey, let’s bring the cat outta the bag and (in the words of Linda Richman), talk amongst ourselves.”

Still in my Mike Myers, Linda Richman New York accent,  “I’ll give you a topic. Would you pencil-in and “schedule” sex in your marriage? Discuss.”

By Guest Blogger Jacqueline Elman

People always say that you never really know what goes on behind closed doors, which always makes you wonder– what goes on behind closed doors in the average marriage?  It makes you question whether things in your own relationship are “normal.”   I think one of the biggest questions is, “how often do most married couples have sex?”

At first I questioned whether or not I should just dive right into this topic, but then I thought a few things:  (1) a healthy marriage is so fundamental to the happiness of the rest of my life (and the whole family), (2) most of us find that time with our spouse slips on the priority list and often takes a backseat to more practical, everyday life tasks, and (3) my husband wanted to write an entire book entitled “Monday, Wednesday & Saturday” (or it could be “Tuesday, Thursday & Saturday – depending upon that season’s TV line-up) because he thinks our scheduled “date nights” are so great.

So I thought, why the heck not?  I also thought that by writing about this topic, I could perhaps help a few other marriages out there… because it’s definitely working in mine. No, I’m no Dr. Ruth or any kind of sex expert, just a happy, fulfilled wife offering you perhaps, a new approach.

My husband and I have “date night” 3 times a week (and for those of you who can’t read between the lines, that means we have scheduled “sex nights” 3 times a week).  We look at it like a contract – neither one of us will break the commitment unless we absolutely have to (i.e. one of us is traveling for work, one of us is sick, etc.).  Now I am VERY much a planner – total A-type personality.  My husband on the other hand, totally NOT a planner and can’t stand if I try to make plans well ahead of time in pretty much any other aspect of our life.

We first established our little schedule because with very small children, I was often not only too tired, but also still in “mommy mode,” and had a hard time making the switch in my head to “mistress mode.”  My husband, however, never seemed to have to switch modes – he was always there!  So I made the suggestion of planning things out- I think at first he may have been resistant (can’t fully recollect since it’s been a few years now and my foggy working mommy brain can’t hold on to so many details), but then, guess what?  Not only did it work, but he now thinks the idea is BRILLIANT.  So brilliant in fact, that he wanted to write a book about it (ya, right, as if that was going to happen).

Borat

Let me tell you why it works… firstly, it avoids disappointment on his end – I won’t ever say “no” on a date night.  Secondly, on non-date nights he can’t make me feel bad about taking some time for myself (like reading my book or watching bad TV).  Thirdly (and most importantly), it maintains the closeness and intimacy, so crucial to our relationship.  And this then equates to a happier and healthier home life for both us and our children.

From my husband’s perspective, he feels that knowing it’s a date night ahead of time, he can think about it during his stressful day and have something to look forward to.  We also has another secret…  if he helps me transition from “working mommy mode” to “mistress mode,” he will definitely get the best of me!   So on date night, he helps me relax and switch modes by giving me a wonderful neck, shoulder & head massage.  Yes, I know I am extremely lucky and I really, really appreciate it.

Now some of you may question the spontaneity of the whole situation and whether it takes the “romance” out of the relationship. But honestly, does real-life really run on romance?  When you live such a busy life and have so many competing priorities, is it even possible to live as you did when you were dating?  In my opinion, not likely.  It may definitely take some getting used to, but once you do, it absolutely changes the dynamics of your marriage and your family life.  Sex after all is a great workout, helps you decrease stress, helps you sleep better and overall contributes to better health… so why not???

Here are some quick tips to help get you started in creating your very own “date nights”:

• Decide with your spouse/partner how many times per week you want to have sex
• Choose the nights you feel will work best
• Set the scene a bit… have a glass of wine or a hot bath (or both)
• Relax and TALK to each other – something else that we often forget to do in our busy lives is to really talk to one another (and not about the day-to-day things)
• Do something nice for one another
• And then have some great sex!

Wishing you all some hot date nights ahead.

~Jacqueline

WOW! Ladies, what do you think about scheduling “date nights,” I mean sex sessions, 3x per week? Is it a great idea, or a spontaneity crusher? Would you be open to the idea? Share with our community. Let’s get the conversation going!

xoxEDxox

—————————————————————–

Jacqueline Elman is a 42 yr old working mom whose goal is to pack as much into life as possible, without reaching burnout. She’s a self-proclaimed over-achiever who tries to find balance in the crazy world of “having it all.” From being a lawyer to graduating from Culinary School, to ending up in the spa industry, back to law briefly, then back to the spa industry… now Jacqueline is a Director of Marketing.

She also just started a blog. Jacqueline’s motivation for starting her blog is her strong belief in the importance of supporting fellow moms and letting them know that they are not alone in this crazy challenge called motherhood. To read more, click here -> http://WorkingMomBurnout.blogspot.com

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By Guest Blogger Kiri Blakely

One night five years ago, I was getting ready for bed. It was about 11 p.m. My fiance, Aaron, whom I’d lived with for ten years, was in the living room. I could hear Sex and the City droning on the television.

“Kiri, come here,” he said, softly. “We need to talk.”

I padded into the living and plopped into a chair across from him. For an instant, it occurred to me that he might be about to tell me something horrible, but I just as instantly dismissed the thought. When you’ve lived with a man for a decade, you reside in a peaceful place of complete confidence that you know him thoroughly.

I was about to have that confidence forever stripped from me.

“I think I’m confused about my sexuality,” Aaron said. Then he burst into wracking sobs.

Aaron went on to tell me that he’d been “fantasizing” about men. Soon, it became apparent that he wanted to explore these fantasies, and that our relationship would have to end. After talking (and crying and screaming and cracking jokes at his expense) all night, I finally curled up into a fetal position on my bed and prayed for this surreal night to end.

Life as I’d known it was suddenly and without warning done.

The next morning, I would discover that my fiance wasn’t just “confused” and wasn’t just “fantasizing.” A little digging around in his computer revealed that he had long been cheating on me with strange men he found on Craigslist.

Here are a few tips for women who might be vaguely wondering if their man is secretly gay .

Tip #1 Get into his computer.

Tip # 2 Get into his computer.

Tip #3 Get into his computer.

If you do this, have an EKG first to make certain you don’t have a weak heart. Because when my fiance’s monitor filled with gay porn videos, pictures of muscular policemen in leather, and close-ups of his private parts, as well as listing after listing of men looking for sex, it’s sort of a medical miracle that I didn’t drop dead of shock.

It’s also good for him that he’d gone into work when I made my discovery. If he’d been home, he likely would have dropped dead of a lamp on his head.

My fiance had been cheating on me with men the entire time he’d simultaneously been encouraging me to marry him. We’d been engaged for about nine years. I had come from a long line of divorce and was wary that marriage might ruin our relationship. But I finally agreed that we should have a wedding. Aaron was so happy, he’d run into our local bar and whooped the news to all of his friends. Perhaps I should have known a man that excited to get married couldn’t be straight.

So how did I deal with all of this?

Well I can’t say I dealt with this sudden turn of events in a way that talk-show gurus would describe as “healthy.” I didn’t sign up for yoga classes and check out every self-help book in the library. Instead, I numbed myself with alcohol and casual relationships. I recently read that this is a typical way of dealing with a traumatic break-up. Sociologists even have a name for it: anomie. It means embracing the breakdown of social norms and values.

Let’s get it straight though (so to speak): I didn’t fall apart as much as I could have. I didn’t turn to hard drugs or rob a bank. Nor did I prowl the streets at night looking for strange men to sleep with. I found them in respectable places—like bars.

But seriously, Aaron’s betrayal knocked me into another dimension. He and I had always had a close relationship. We had all of those things that successful couples are supposed to have. We “communicated.” We talked through our disagreements in a “healthy” fashion. Through every little trial and tribulation, as well as the big ones, Aaron had never let me down.

Beside the sweet little things, like never forgetting to acknowledge Valentine’s Day, he also was there for the big things. A year before he came out, I had two heart-breaking deaths in the family: my grandmother, whom I was extremely close to, and my young niece, who tragically died of a cancerous brain tumor at seven years old. Aaron couldn’t have been more instrumental to my hanging on to my sanity.

To realize this same loving man had for years been hooking up with men for random sexual encounters—putting my health, his health, and his safety at risk—was devastating. Not only to my sense of who he was, but to my sense of who I was.

Thrumming wildly around in my brain was the realization that if I didn’t know Aaron, I wouldn’t ever know anyone. How was I ever supposed to trust another man and commit to him?

I wouldn’t. This is what I told myself. Of course, I was a human being and had needs like everyone else, but I could satisfy those without the confines of another relationship. Men were too much of a high-risk proposition.

I now not only had a distrust of men—but especially men who reminded me of Aaron. That is to say of nice relationship-oriented men. For the first time in my life, I was attracted to the bad boys, the players. In my warped way of thinking, I reasoned that if I could see that these men were bad news, at least I wouldn’t be surprised when they screwed me over! Hey, I said I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I was basically suffering post-traumatic stress disorder. You know how a soldier comes back from war and can’t walk down his hometown street without fearing that a terrorist is going to blast him to smithereens? It’s because his brain chemistry and neural pathways have been altered. He now feels danger everywhere, even in his backyard. That’s how I felt.

The year I spent after Aaron’s revelation is the subject of my book, Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. Mixed up it was. Although my fiance had betrayed me in the worst way possible, that didn’t mean I stopped loving him, nor him me. After his announcement, we still spent a lot of time together, which was very confusing and, as the title says, mixed-up!

I began seeing two men in particular. There was Rahil, a hot-blooded Indian playboy who made it clear from the get-go that he didn’t believe in monogamy (and who was also still hung-up on his ex-girlfriend). And there was James, a handsome and dryly witty man who, despite being rather anti-social, was catnip to ladies. Both of these men, despite their emotional unavailability, helped distract me from my emotional turmoil and made me feel sexy again. If it all sounds like a pulpy romance paperback, and I guess in some ways, it was.

Then the worst thing happened. I fell in love with James. It was involuntary on my part—I wanted nothing more than a bed warmer. But his wit and animal magnetism became irresistible to me. Unfortunately, he was a confirmed man-whore who slept with every young woman within ten zip codes. But James, who was as determined to avoid a relationship as I was, couldn’t seem to leave me alone. It became one of those protracted love-hate relationships that is sexually charged yet emotionally draining. Still, neither one of us could seem to let go.

I realized after some soul-searching and the healing powers of time, that the only person I needed was myself. That it is better to be alone than to live with dysfunction. Sure, it’s great to be in a relationship—fundamental for most of us. But it does not define us. People are fallible and your belief in them always runs a risk of being shattered. Betrayal will change you forever. But, if you work very hard, it can change you for the better in some ways. For example, I’m no longer the smug, judgmental person I used to be. I realize now that bad things can happen to good, smart people. And this happens as a way to strengthen our character and teach us a lesson.

I look back at that time with some bemusement, some horror, and some affection. I’d suffered one of the worst things a relationship can throw at you, and somehow lived to tell the tale. In the process, I discovered how strong I was, how complex people can be, and, yes, how we can endlessly renew our love in other people—and in ourselves.

What do you think?

~Kiri

BIO:

Kiri Blakeley is the author of Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. She also writes about women and pop culture for Forbes. Visit her at kiriblakeley.com or at her blog at Forbes The Bold Type.

xoxEDxox

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