By Guest Blogger Henriette Eiby Christensen
Six years ago, I came out of a 12-year verbally abusive relationship not knowing what had happened.
First relief, then not understanding why I felt so bad, and kept feeling like the world would be a better place without me in it.
Then ANGER. No way was I going to let him continue to have that kind of power over me – I had to understand everything, not only for myself, but also for my three children. And so I started writing and observing.
My ex-husband is a very handsome and smart man. I had always been more passive, a pleaser. I was willing to move and turn every single pebble of my body and soul to accommodate his needs. Why I believe I took the abuse so freely, was because that there was an element of truth to every abusive thing he said about me or others, so I was kept in a state of constant confusion and soul searching. He never hit me. He never came home drunk. But he killed me a thousand times with his mouth. This man was my husband. We shared a bank account.
I did everything wrong– the way I kept our house wasn’t how he liked it. I had too much “stuff.” I was too “laid-back.” He used “positive” critique to belittle me. He would cover his verbal abuse up in “I’m only being honest.” He would call me names, and so many more horrific things I care not recall. My friends and family slowly evaporated from our life.
Here is the part which is very hard to explain… why I stayed. I understand that this is sometimes difficult to comprehend from an outsider looking in. You see, I was a stay-at-home mom in Denmark and very isolated. In Denmark, being a stay-at-home mom is frowned upon. Having a job is much more valued. So I was alone. Alone in my beliefs that my children were much more important than any job could possibly be. I felt that I didn’t have children to have other people take care of them. I wanted to be the one to raise them.
An easy target you might say. Yes. I no longer had a network. I no longer had an income. I had no self esteem or self worth. No special skills which might help me create an income. My education was outdated. And I was stuck. Emotionally and financially stuck.
One day, he decided that we needed a second income, so he pushed me to work. I promptly got a job as a substitute teacher while my youngest was in kindergarten. A couple of years later, I went back to school to get a teaching degree (his idea). Well, guess what? I started socializing. I discovered I was smart. My classmates would call me for help with homework, and they valued my opinion. As I said – working was HIS idea, and it was he who pushed me into getting a degree so I could earn more money for our family. But every time I had an exam, he would threaten me with divorce, belittle me, and say phrases like: “You’re really going to let your studying come before the wellbeing of this family and our children?” Well, the more of those he came up with, the harder I studied, and along the way my education became my life-raft. It represented financial freedom and social connection. And – most importantly – it represented being valued for who I am as a human being. It saved my life.
We divorced six months before I finished school.
I have written five books on bullying in relationships in Danish. A few months ago I released my first book in English: 110 Ways to Detect a Bad Relationship and it hit Amazon’s “Hot New Releases” list and has been mentioned in Forbes Women. I have never been happier, which is why I have reached a point where I can help others and share. It has actually become my life’s purpose. I am a link between Verbal Abuse and Happiness.
How can you avoid verbal abuse? By noticing how you feel and appreciating your own self worth. Always listen to your gut feeling – although that can be very hard and very scary, but practice makes perfect.
Here are five of the biggest telltale signs you are in a verbally abusive relationship:
- You are nervous around him. (Walking on eggshells.)
- His needs come first. (You drop everything at his call.)
- Your friends and family disappear. (They aren’t good enough for you – he says.)
- You suffer from various stress and anxiety symptoms. (Stomach and headaches, insomnia, dizziness, depression etc.)
- You complain to yourself or other people about him.
Most of all, I hope to reach teens and young adults before they enter into long term relationships and get stuck. So it is my wish to reach the educational systems all over the world.
Love and Blessings.
~Henriette
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About Henriette Eiby Christensen…
Born in 1962, Danish. Lived in the USA from 1984 to 1990. Author, Artist, Teacher, Speaker, Counselor. Single mother of three.
Henriette is the author of 110 Ways to Detect a Bad Relationship – Before it’s too Late. Her new book 110 Ways to Charm your Brain – Positive Thinking is coming out soon.
Follow Henriette on her website www.110ways.com
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I hope Henriette’s story has touched you, taught you, made you think about your own self-worth, and will make you reach out for help if you are in a similar situation. It is my goal for this post to help someone who might be suffering. Please forward this to anyone you feel might be in a similar situation. I hope her message of hope, despair and resilience will stay with you. If you have any comments or questions for Henriette, I encourage you to post them right here.
xoxEDxox
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Tags: 110 Ways to Detect a Bad Relationship - Before it's too Late, domestic violence, emotional abuse, emotional and verbal abuse, henriette Eiby Christensen, how to get help for abuse, how to leave an abusive marriage, signs of an abusive marriage, signs of verbal abuse, spousal verbal abuse, verbal abuse, verbally abusive relationships, www.110ways.com
My ex and I broke up two months ago. I regretted breaking up with him and apologized a few days after the breakup but he wouldn’t take me back. One month later,i got into a relationship with another guy(who was a friend of mine)and changed my status on fb. He then blocked me. I broke up with that other guy almost one week after Because I felt like I had feelings to my ex still and I messaged him saying I broke up with my new boyfriend because I still had feelings for him,but he did not reply and I stopped contacting him ever since. Just two days ago,he unblocked me(he had me blocked for nearly 20 days)and I messaged him on fb asking how he is doing and all. He was talking to me in short sentences and in a very formal way. The last thing we messaged was me asking how his work was and he hasn’t replied after I messaged him asking him out for a movie and he said he was busy that night. So I messaged “i just wanted to see that movie and wanted to ask you if you wanted to come along. But its ok” he did not reply
so i messaged him tonight saying i miss talking to him and he did not reply. i cry all day all night i told my friend Tinaya what should i do she told me there is a man on internet helping and building people relationship she gave me his email and i contact Dr Eromusela, dreromuselaspelltemple@gmail.com and explain every thing that happen to him and Dr told me not to worry that every thing is going to be fine that he is going to cast a love spell that will renew the relationship after the casting of the spell i saw a text message on my fb saying that he still love me. thank be to dreromuselaspelltemple@gmail.com for building and renewing my relationship you can contact his e-mail over there.
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Julie Deshields
I left a verbally, emotionally and financially abusive relationship 3 months ago. He still torments me almost daily. My emotions are erratic, I love him and want him but not the monster he can be. The most recent event was him wanting us to come see him on Saturday night. I said I could come over later as I was babysitting. He knew about this as he works with my ex (yes my ex) and its his children I will be caring for so him and his wife can go out. So he had been told by my ex that this was happening, so the whole, “come over” thing was a way to start yet another fight. He said I care only about myself, that I am a troublemaker and my family should come first, he then went on to say he is done with me, he has done this several times with me in the past 3 months, calls me insane, mental, in need of help etc. I said then I will pick up the rest of our daughters things, which I went and did, and texted saying I had done so, the next day I get a text saying I broke into his house and if I dont return things he will call the police in 30 minutes, saying i will not be able to study justice as it is about to be served on me, he would send more texts saying, 25 min, 15 min etc. I sent one text saying, you are a very angry man and no! This is just a taste of what I put up with. I am documenting at the moment the texts he has sent, there is a common theme, he always calls me insane, that I have mental issues and need help, that I will not see him and my daughter again if I don’t get help, a moron, psycho, crazy, lazy and the list goes on. I could never even ask a question without him abusing me. He spent a lot of time ignoring me and had this one thing he would do that would really isolate me and that was we would go out, he would always walk ahead with our daughter, if we brought food or drinks, he would buy them for her and him and not me. One time I was there and we went to the shops, again of course buying things for our daughter and for his dinner, he brought her a packet of chips to cook in the oven, two drinks and two chocolates. Not once again asking me if I wanted anything. We went back to his, he had a friend staying with him at the time. He cooked up food for our daughter, then cooked dinner, I sat there and slowly realised he wasn’t cooking for me. He gave a huge plate of food to his friend and one for himself. Then promptly sat next to me saying “Im sorry, I didn’t know you were staying for dinner, do you want some of mine?” I didn’t play into this…I know he spends his life treating me like I am nothing, invisible, useless, lazy, crazy, psycho, bad cook, hates all people from NZ where I am from, bad mouths every move I make, yet I cooked, I cleaned after his mouldy cups and cigarette butts, endured his verbal abuse, his threats all in front of our now 2 1/2 year old daughter, ignored me, bad mouthed me in front of others, lived alone really while he played his online games, while I payed the rent and bills and he spent his money on himself…..who on earth would want to live with that? He has had 6 children (that is known of) to 5 different women including my daughter, he sees none of his son’s and not one of those women want anything to do with him. Why does a man continue his distructive behaviour when the loss in the end is his? The crazy thing is….I love this man, yet there is no reason I should.
Dear Jamie
If you think about it as an addiction a world of tools and understanding opens up.
First you’ll have to learn to appreciate yourself and hold yourself in high regard.
Be good to you.
Read my replies to the other readers.
I have a new book out – just aired today.
“110 Ways to Spot a Toxic Person”
You have already spotted him. Now save yourself and your daughter – you do not want her to pick the same type of man – do you? Show her the way. The book has tools. Also you can get the ebook for free from March 4th to 7th… if you can wait that long.
Having a daughter saved me – made me wake up. If I can do it – so can you.
Lots of Love and encouragement
Henriette
I have been married for 20+ years and have been verbally abused for the 20 years..I am a very positive person and have always tried to make the best of a bad situation. He is not the type of man who keeps me from doing things with my family and friends..I can come and go as I please..He might not like it, but I really don’t care. For me, it is his temper. My kids and I definately walk on egg shells around him..The conversation is always “is your father in a good mood today”..If not, you know it will be a bad day. My kids have absolutely no respect for the man, and I find it hard to ask them to..Why should they have respect for a man that screams and curses at them all the time. The thing is, he does this, and then the next day he will try to carry on with them and when they don’t respond in a positive way, it is their fault. Last weekend, he was screaming and hollering at me that loud and in my face that he was spitting on me. He is very nasty with the name calling. I am called a bitch all the time and this weekend he said that I was a useless piece of shit because I didn’t go to the liquor store for him and didn’t make supper. I called my sister to come and get me and I left and stayed with my parents for the weekend. I left him for 8 months a few years ago and I should have stayed away but of course he promised me that things would change, I should have known better. I want to leave because I know that I am a good person and deserve better, but I am finding it hard. We have alot of debt together and I don’t know if I have the strength to go through it. Things aren’t always bad, but when they are, it is really bad. I am thinking about counselling for myself and my daughters who are age 18 & 15. It is funny though, as bad as it can be, when I went to my mothers for the weekend, they stayed home with him…What is the right thing to do? Thanks for Listening…
Dear Rose
You know what the right thing for you to do is <3 no one else does.
I think it's very healthy sign that your children don't respect him. Good for you. You have done something right with them. They know it isn't right.
Getting counseling for yourself and the children is a wonderful idea. The therapist can support all of you in what feels wrong is wrong – and visa versa. And hopefully that will prevent them from repeating the pattern.
Maybe they stayed home to be close to friends…?
A constant knot in the stomach is not life.
If you find me on facebook I'll find you people who understand.
Lot's of Love
Henriette
Thank you so much for this article. I have been married for 20 years to my husband. I am his second wife. I am 42 and he will be 50. He has two older kids from a previous marriage. I took so much verbal abuse from him, his ex and his daughters for the first 12 years fo our marriage. I feel as if I missed out on the first 8 years of our sons life, as I was to busy being stressed out. Our son is now 15 and is going thru the verbal abuse, low self esteem. My son and I can never do anything right. We are told how we drive him crazy and he would be better off by himself. Then 10 minutes later he is nice as can be to us. He constantly degrads us. He has to control the money and everything about our family. Yet he can go buy exercise equipment and thats ok. Yet I am not capable of making decisions for our family. He hangs things I have done over my head forever. I just wish I was strong enough to get out and smart enough to make it on my own. Everyone sees him as so good to me and nice. Yet behind closed doors it so different. My son and I walk on egg shells I second guess every move I make. He treats me like I am one of his kids and I let him that is the worst part. I just feel alone and question myself. All 5 of those things you mention are me without hesitation. My biggest thing is I am afraid of starting over and feel as if there is no one out there for me. Thank you for writing this article.
I’m here for you Barb!
I’ll find you peers and support.
You are smart when you can write like that. Don’t believe anything else.
This is not just for you but for the others too.
If you don’t break the chain your children will be caught in it – either by being abused or abusing because that is what they were taught was right.
I’m sorry – that’s how is <3
Please find me on facebook
Love and Blessings
Henriette
Thank you for your kind words. However now he is playing mind games with me. He tells me he wants a divorce then in the next breath he says he is not going anywhere. One day he speaks to me ok the next he is angry and rude and short. I wish that I had the courage to leave. Our son is 15 and he says I better think about him before recking our marriage…. I guess I dont know where to start to begin on my own. I have to stay in or around where we live now as I dont want to pull our son out from his school at this point in his life. If anyone has any advice please share. I cant handle this up and down and stress.
Thank you
You are welcome.
Your husband is right – you have to consider your son – I kind of wrote that already.
Teach him that women won’t put up with the behavior his dad displays.
Is it absolutely necessary to pull him from his current school? Can scholarships be applied for?
First things first. Start by being good to yourself. That will build your self-esteem. It can be a little thing like eating an apple really slowly or staying in the shower a few extra minutes, picking a flower for yourself. Plan it a day ahead so you have something to look forward to. It is so simple yet powerful to start taking care of yourself first…
What have you got to give if you are not happy…?
btw I am giving my new book away for a few days – find it on amazon
“110 Ways to Spot a Toxic Person”
It has a lot of tools too.
All my best to you Barb.
oxoxox
Henriette
I have been married to a cop for 28 years. For the past 11 years, his control, criticism, threats and cruelty have increased beyond repair. Last year he became angry at our 17 year old daughter (we have 4 kids 13 to 26) and put her against the wall and threatened to hurt her. Of course I intervened even knowing the consequences because this has happened with the other kids too. He turned from me long enough for me to tell her to “run”; he turned his full rage on me and though he didn’t strike me, he knocked me down and threatened to bash my &*^%% head through the wall. My daughter called 911 once she was in her car, but of course he had driven away by then.
My situation is so similar to many here, but I have the additional burden of his career. That was the first time in all these years we have called the police, though similar things have happened many times. His pension is at stake which means my financial security. I had to downplay what had happened when the police arrived. I felt like such a fraud looking at my daughter as I minimized the actual abuse. I told her later that I was wrong and that she had done the right thing and tried to explain how complex it is. My husband did agree to go to the police psychologist after that incident.
He is so manipulative, everyone thinks he is wonderful, volunteers, goes to church, etc. But I have allowed myself to get beaten so far down emotionally that I stay isolated. Anyway in front of the therapist, he admitted he had lost control but pretended it hadn’t happened before. He said my daughter did the right thing in calling the police. Once we left he therapists office, he accused me of “sitting around waiting to call the police on him” so he would lose his job.
He is making me insane. I have stayed home with the kids and house and doing all his errands and paperwork and now have no skills at 56. I know there will be an “ah-ha” moment sometime, but how in the world will I ever get him to leave without involving legal measures? He won’t even agree to a separation. Sorry this is so long. I feel so stupid. I believed in his early facade, thought he was great just like everyone outside this house does.
Oh Sweetheart…
My heart goes out to you.
I understand completely.
is there any chance you can go back to school?
I promise you that would make you feel stronger.
You write very clearly and I can tell you are smart.
Let me help you. Find me on facebook. Please
I’ll find you a support group of people who understand and won’t judge you.
Promise
Love
Henriette
Thank you for the kind and supportive words, Henriette. Thank you to the other supportive women who responded to me. I made a very foolish mistake in using my main email address. Of course he opened the first email response from Women on the Fence, and I endured a lecture on “putting our business in the street”, twisting the facts to suit my sick desires, blah, blah. You have all heard the same crap I am sure. The thing is, he flips out if he knows I tell my sisters about some of the things he does to us. This must mean he knows he is wrong. That is why he can be nice and professional in court, in church, at the gym, or even with a perpetrator whom he has just arrested! If he knows he is wrong and does not want the outside world to be aware of what he is like at home, why does he gaslight me and say I am creating all these false accusations?
Henriette, I did log into Face Book and found you but I am very unsure of how to communicate with that medium. I only use it to see pictures of my children and don’t know how to talk to other people there. I am going to use lovebyrds6@comcast.net from here on.
You mentioned going back to school and I have known for a long while that is mandatory for my financial stability as well as my self worth. However, the last time I actually enrolled for a full load (15 years ago and 6 months pregnant) it was hell every time I came home because I got every accusation in the stratosphere flung at me. When that semester ended, I did online courses. That eliminated the cheating questions, but he still finds ways to submarine my efforts. In any case, I did not finish college and have edited all his writings at home since 1985.
My wonderful therapist (the one I see without him, because he thinks she is ON MY SIDE) encourages me with many stories of women who have far less than I, whose children are little, who will get no support, who run into the middle of a cold night with only their old coat and their babies to get out of these hate filled marriages. I love my therapist, but I feel frozen somehow. It is difficult to describe, but maybe some of you know what I mean. I don’t know what to do! I don’t know what to tell my 13 year old who adores his dad despite his behavior. Why do I feel so helpless in this?
His agenda seems to be: Make your wife feel awful about herself most of the time and keep her feeling that way. When she no longer loves you because you are a cruel and evil creature, morph into a loving and tender man in an effort to get her in to the bedroom. An hour later, back to Thing One. I am not a single celled thing who forgets mental or physical pain. I remember all of it. How can he pretend not to? If I did those things to him, he would never tolerate it. I can’t believe how stupid writing this down makes me feel!
Sweet Barbara
I understand everything you say.
I understand how scary leaving is.
It is very hard to boost your self-esteem when you are constantly being put down.
But I can tell you are smart. You have “just” been brainwashed into not being able to make decisions.
If socializing and educating yourself cause more trouble than you can handle you have to start by being nice to yourself. No one has to know. Spend an extra five minutes in the shower. Pick yourself a flower. Eat an apple REALLY slowly savoring the scent, taste and beauty. Go to the library. Gaze out the window and empty your mind. Give yourself a few moments of peace and quiet everyday and plan it a day ahead so you have something to look forward to.
Maybe take an “innocent” “women’s” class like cooking sewing, knitting
Take up a favorite past time from your childhood.
Books and articles on the “nice” and well functioning psychopaths have been written like
“Snakes in Suits”
oxoxo
Henriette
Perhaps I shouldn’t complaint because my husband provides for us. We worry about money but only one of us is cutting coupons and trying to save and spending carefully. I’m thankful that my husband helps me but he has wants that he just cannot pass up even though money is tight. He wants me to find work but he would not help me with filling out applications. I don’t know what to put down for reasons for leaving my previous jobs and don’t know anyone else beside one person to put down as references and I’m tired of interrupting these same people for references.
If it doesn’t feel good – well – it isn’t
Love is supposed to feel good.
Find me on facebook please
<3
Henriette
DR. okodu okoduspelltemple@yahoo.com I wanted to inform you of something. Okay, I currently live with my ex-boyfriend’s mom because her husband and my ex moved to South Carolina. Well, you performed the love retrieval spell for me. I work 2rd shift and when I came home this morning, my ex’s truck was in the driveway. I just got up and we chatted for a few minutes and he told me that he was moving back home. I just wanted to share this good news with you. Thanks. Your friend Kim
Wow it is Christmas again after all i have pass through trying to get back my love well finally i am going to celebrate this Christmas with my love that is the best thing in my love thanks to Dr Ekaka who help me with return my love spell that help me to get my love back within 2days i am so happy i will also advice anyone in need of help to contact him his email: ekakaspelltemple@yahoo.com he can help you
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I just realize i’m in a verbal relationship i need help getting out of this cause i’m in love with with some one who don’t love me and now i’m mentally drain and scared
find me on facebook Donna and I’ll find you a support group <3
do something nice for yourself
Love
Henriette
This is such an important topic. Not only because it deals with heterosexual women and a couple of men, but because this too happens amongst gays, lesbians, bisexuals and so forth.
Even writing this messages makes me feel a bit odd. It’s as if I’m still in denial that my boyfriend can be like this with me. It hasn’t gone to the extremes, but I do feel that I have to watch what I say or I have to watch myself in standing firm with my opinions. Otherwise, he will go crazy. Before, he used to threaten me by telling me that our relationship was over. I couldn’t understand why after so much, he would want to just leave. I begged him to stay. At the end of it, filled with tears and listening to some of the things he said to me, I was in disbelief that this was the same person that would tell me he loved me. He hasn’t hit me. However, if things don’t go his way, the way that he believes them it should be, then I can expect an argument where I’m imploring that I’m not trying to control him, that I’m not trying to do anything wrong or bad to him, that I’m just expressing an option. He calls me naive and he tells me that I’m the one messing things up. that it’s my fault. *sigh* a year and a half ago, he went really crazy and I told him that if he didn’t get into anger management that I would have to consider our relationship. All while in tears. He got into the anger management program at one of the gay and lesbian centers. Every time he’d come out, he’d look at me and apologize because he said he didn’t know. I thought to myself, ok, he’s understanding that I’m not attacking him and that i’m not the enemy. He finished the program, but then stopped going into individual therapy. After a year, I’ve been realizing that his problem has continued to manifest itself. I personally have been off and on from therapy for personal reasons. Yet, when I started this relationship, I got back into it because I thought to myself that I really wanted a relationship. This guy seemed really nice and I wanted to give it my all. Through therapy, I’ve been able to attain certain tools to be able to handle certain situations with my boyfriend. I have to say that after some time, we are finally both going to couple’s therapy. I’m excited and hopeful. However, if couple’s therapy doesn’t work out, I realized that I NEED TO LEAVE! There’s only so much that I can take. I am a beautiful human being that deserves real love and respect and not someone that screams at me and makes me feel worthless and useless! I deserve to not be manipulated. I deserve honesty, sincerity, kindness and love just like anybody else.
Anyways, thank you for sharing your wonderful story…and thank you for your strength.
Thank you so much David
Yes I write about people – I don’t care about color, gender, age, sexual preference – I care about people
I’ll have to get back to you as it is very late here in Denmark
yes you deserve the best
Hugs
Henriette
Dear David
My old friend and Editor says:
“No relationship is worth being miserable over” (or in)
If a relationship isn’t good why be in IT?
Your boyfriend may change but since he has been in therapy and it hasn’t, it will require a long term commitment – years of weekly therapy.
My ex and I were in therapy individually and together – it worked – but only for a week at a time then he / we would revert into the same patterns again and again.
Let me see if I can find this link for you from Oprah on how the “bully” in the relationship will have to assume 90% of the healing/mending process.
Find me on facebook and keep in touch.
oxoxo
Henriette
do a search on oprah: Dr. Steven Stosny and an article on
relationships/Advice-for-Victims-and-Abusers will appear
<3
Henriette
My ex husband moved me 17 hours away from my family and friends. Took my name of the checking account. I was an at home mom of 3 with an outdated associates degree. Once moved he controled and ruled our home with an iron fist. It was walking on egg shells everyday in fear of pissing him off. He would yell and scream and call names at the top of his lungs over the smallest things like a spill in the refrigerator. My ex also controlled our sex life. He masturbated with his webcam in front of strangers on the internet, pressured me to join a swingers club, wanted to have a threesome, was consumed by pornography and when I stood up for myself he was verbally abusive called me names, put me down, told me that I was fat, and threw a fit when he did not get his way. There were a few physical incidents as well. We got a divorce a year ago and since then he has drug me back and forth to court trying to take my children away from me. I am still dependent upon him for child support and he doesnt want to pay. I have been unable to get a job because I have been an at home mom since 1995 and have no work experience. Without child support I could end up in a homeless shelter because I will be unable to pay my bills on just the meager alimony he gives me. He makes over $120,000 per year and also has a wealthy family and friends who will try to destroy me by dragging me into court. Now he physically and verbally abuses my children. He has hit my child in the head with a wrench, beat his butt for breaking a TV, and has hung one of my sons by his shirt collar and it looked like he had been hung by a rope. He refuses to let me take the boys to counseling or to get them medical treatment of any kind unless we mediate through the courts. He still continues to bully me and control me. He recently filed an ex parte on me and I have not seen my kids all month. He has cut off their cell phones and I have no way to contact them. The man is a narcissist monster. He has called my children “vile disgusting animals” at the top of his lungs to their faces. My nightmare does not seem to end. Thanks for this website.
Dear Christine
You made me cry.
YOU ARE NOT ALONE
There are wonderful support groups on facebook – even secret ones where you can talk openly.
Find me on facebook and I’ll get you into a group.
Do your best to STAY STRONG – your children will desperately need you when it is all over.
Love and Light
Henriette
Fantastic blog. Thanks for sharing your story, Henriette, and the lessons you learned. I’ve no doubt you’ll serve as a necessary flashlight into others’ lives.
I’ve found that the happier and more secure I am as an individual, the happier and healthier my relationships are. I’m so glad you’ve found your way out of that dark place. Cheers!
Thank you August
find me on Amazon – I have two fresh books out
All my best
Henriette
I am so proud and excited to announce that my two latest books are now live on Amazon. Half price until August 10th.
http://www.amazon.com/Ways-Charm-Your-Brain-ebook/dp/B008R3DDE2/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1343721086&sr=8-6&keywords=henriette+eiby+christensen
and
http://www.amazon.com/110-Ways-Detect-Relationship-ebook/dp/B008R3DDQK/ref=sr_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1343721086&sr=8-5&keywords=henriette+eiby+christensen
Thank you
Love and Light
Henriette
it’s only $ 1.99
Thank you for sharing that article. Abuse comes in many forms and does not have to be physical. Your courage to make changes I am sure will inspire other women.
Thank you Isis!
I hope so.
All my best
Henriette
Posting steps in how to get out of this type of relationship would be helpful. Thank you.
this is a a test – it wouldn’t post my reply before…
Hi there
You have to build your self worth.
how do you do that?
by taking simple steps like the ones below.
All the best
Henriette
a. Take a minute to breathe and do nothing.
b. Do something nice for yourself every day – even if it is just picking a flower, gazing out the window for a few extra minutes or eating an apple really slowly savoring the taste, smell and the beauty.
Plan it a day ahead so you have something to look forward to.
c. Call a long lost friend or family member and go out for coffee or a walk.
d. Talk to a therapist or your family doctor – if that is out of the question – Google PTSD and read about it. You can develop PTSD from being bullied – it doesn’t have to take a war.
And the toughest one:
e. Listen to yourself. Really listen. Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life?
On the celebration of our 25th Anniversary I stood a the back of a cruise ship, resolved that I would jump off. It was only the words of one of my sons that changed my mind. Abuse – verbal, psychological and physical is perpetrated by both genders. It is important to stop this behaviour rather than fuel it. While the story you tell is from your perspective consider encouraging everyone from stopping that type of behavior and or not allowing yourself to be a victim regardless of gender. Recognize and acknowledge and address the bevaiour – genderless. I am very happy that you broke away far earlier then I did. Consider the contrast that probably exists between us. I have lost everything (3 houses and the contents of same, 9 cars, boat, business and all other assets) and would guess that you faired much better. The courts tend to favour woman, to the extreme, with respect to compensation. In the end she had the material things and had lost the most important things – the love and devotion of her children and husband, none of us have spoken or seen her since.
Dear Gary
I’m sorry you had to go though so much and loose so much.
And I am so happy you decided to live and help your sons.
My abuser isn’t one of the worst – he did have some common sense. We shared the material goods evenly but still fought over the kids…
I have put my house on the market to be able to continue writing and bringing awareness to the problem – if I loose everything it will be for a good cause
Yes, it goes both ways and I emphasize that in my books.
Thank you for sharing your story.
All the best to you and your sons.
Henriette
my child was the catalyst for my release from that hellish prison of a marriage. when i saw my now ex husband disparaging my son (from birth on!), that’s when i began fighting back. and then talking with other women survivors of childhood abuse, realizing that their present day relationships mirrored that early trauma, and realizing that every word rang true for me as well, i left him. he is still trying to steal my child, he is still abusing me on a weekly basis, but i know that truth will prevail. i will prevail. thank you for sharing your story with others, speaking up and out is our greatest weapon.
Thank you Tara.
Yes it is tough but I’m glad you took the steps. You will have to stay strong for a long time to come but you will be glad you did.
Remember to be good to yourself. Do something for you every day even if it’s just eating an apple really slowly savoring the, beauty, scent and every bite.
There are lots of support groups on facebook – search for domestic abuse etc. (scroll down here for more support).
Stay Strong
All the best
Henriette
When an abuser can no longer control you in the home they often go for custody of the children. They want to take away your kids from you and try and make you look like you are the crazy one. I am free of my abuser, but my children still have to go to his house where they are screamed at, spanked, cussed at and called vicious names. He has filed A PFA on me and an ex parte all in his sick personal vendetta to get back at me for leaving him finally after an 18 year marriage in which I was solely dependent upon him financiallly, not on his checking account, had no access to money to leave him and a 17 hour drive away from my family and friends. Its true that abusers isolate you and make you financially dependent on them so its hard to leave. When I was married to him he often scared my family and friends away by picking fights with me in front of them. My mother told me she would not visit me anymore unless I divorced him. I was never allowed to go home for a visit unless it was for a funeral and when I did I came back to a houseful of chores and his grumpy mood. I have been an at home mom since 1995 of 3 boys. My oldest son has MANY of the same traits as his father and is very abusive towards me as well physically and verbally. My youngest two I got out in time, but they are still subjected to his abusive ways and have to walk on egg shells when they visit him because when he gets angry he rages. This has been a real nightmare. I would not wish an abusive person onto my worst enemy.
Found it:
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Advice-for-Victims-and-Abusers
But I don’t want to leave him. I want to fix this. We have a very young daughter and I have to protect her from him. I don’t want to have to watch her walk away from me to him if we have to share custody. I have identified the problem but leaving him is not a solution for me. Any advice for that?
Dear BB
You may be able to fix it – you may not be able to fix it.
Fixing it requires his corporation – his realizing that there is a problem.
I recently read an article on that – let me see if I can find it for you.
It is on how the abuser will have to assume 90% of the healing process (in normal relationships it is of course 50/50) – but that means he has to be aware of what he is doing to you and really want to change.
You can’t fix him but you can put your foot down and teach him how you want to be treated.
If you stay and things don’t change you will have to assume 100% of the responsibility for what you are teaching your daughter about relationships. You know how it is – they learn from what we do not from what we say.
If you leave you will have to be stronger than you could ever imagine but there is help to be found – scroll down and check out the other comments.
I know how hard it is. <3
Having a daughter was an eyeopener for me. No way was I going to be a catalyst for her finding relationships like the one I had with her dad. I knew I had to do something. I took me six years to break the spell I was under but I am so happy I did. My daughter still suffers from low self-esteem but we are working on it.
She saved my life.
All my best and I'll get back to you if I find the article.
Take good care of yourself and do something nice for you every day.
Henriette
Oops I posted it in the wrong one
sorry
Here it is:
http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Advice-for-Victims-and-Abusers
May your story continue touching the lives of others in tge most profound manner to ensure that no person ever stays in an abusive relationship that can destroy their being… Congratulations in finding the best in “you.”
Thank you I appreciate that.
I hope so too.
Henriette
I am glad that you have overcome the abuse you went through, it is good to see that you feel that you did not deserve it, and that you were smart, valuable, and an overall a good person. You are not worthless. I am glad to see that you are trying to help others out of abusive relationships.
Thank you Rodney
Me too.
All the best
Henriette
anger saved me too from suicide.
can’t wait to read your book.
thank you !
yours truly
Hélène
Thank you Hélène
All the best
Henriette
After 27 years, I have finally found the strength to get counseling and I know it is helping me to find the strength to leave my verbally abusive husband. You described it so perfectly. I didn’t know it was abusive because he made it seem so normal and like everything was always my fault. I haven’t left yet, but I am preparing to. I wish information like this had been available to me years ago. Maybe I would have seen myself in it and not wasted so many years. But all I can do is move forward now and once I am strong enough, maybe I can help others like you are.
Thank you so much.
You are not alone in leaving after 20+ years.
Helping others is a good way of healing because it gives purpose to all those years more or less in hell. It wasn’t in vain if you can help others.
Yes, I hope to reach the 15 – 25 year-olds before they get stuck.
Find me on facebook if you need to join a support group and scroll down here and find websites and phone numbers etc.
You can do it.
Love
Henriette
This needs to have more public awareness, and I am so glad that Henriette is turning her negative experiences into positive interactions with the world around her. Henriette, you are someone who should be proud of yourself! Well done for coming out the other side a much stronger person, proof that it can be done.
Thank you so much Faye.
I’d love for my books to reach the educational systems.
To think of all the pain and suffering that could be avoided.
Henriette
Please check out the comments – they are all so great.
Thank you so much
Henriette
before i came out as gay, i dated many, MANY men like this. i think that because i am gay, i had only one impression of men; that of my father, who falls into the category of both physically and verbally abusive to both my mother and my brother before my parent’s divorce. so when i thought it was time to start dating, those were the men i fell for. the last relationship before i admitted to myself that i simply was not attracted to men was a bad one. he was verbally abusive, controlling, intimidating. everything listed above i felt around him, until finally one day when i was so alone after a fight that i felt i couldn’t talk to anyone that it finally hit me. he had me so isolated from everyone i loved that i was completely under his control. since then, thank god, things are much better. i would urge anyone in a verbally abusive relationship to step back and take a look at things and really think hard if what you have is healthy.
Thank you Mia.
Waking up is hard and can take decades.
There is so much you’ll have to face when you do especially if there are kids involved.
I am happy you got out in time.
Henriette
PS you have no idea how many times I have thought being gay would be easier – but of course it isn’t – relationships are relationships whether you are straight or gay
I know the place you speak of only too well. I was a mouse by the time the relationship ended and I left. The verbal abuse I took because I believed I could change him, make him “better”. I hadn’t counted on the fact that he had been having an affair all the time I knew him before and during our marriage, so …..
I left.
Life is different and I have moved on, in many ways, except that I never ever want to see him again. Not ever.
Yes – I know how you feel.
You are lucky you didn’t have his children – that really complicates life for a very long time in more ways than anyone can anticipate.
Henriette
Thank you for taking the time to share your story. I have recently left my husband/abuser and I thought the fear would be over and I would be less confused, but it is taking a long time to heal. I am determined to be stronger for my daughters, so that they will be able to look for the signs of an abusive relationship and be able to avoid them.
Thank you.
Yes it takes a long time to heal. <3
Teach your daughters five things:
1. "No relationship is worth being miserable over" Vern Reo
2. If a relationship isn't good – why be in it?
3. ALWAYS listen to your gut feeling. Teach them how to do that.
4. Give any relationship only three chances.
5. If someone physically abuses you – get out NOW. No chances.
They'll be fine
Henriette
Thank you so much for this article. I’ve been in several relationships very much like the one you describe and it was only after seeking therapy that I’ve finally broken the cycle. The key line for me is ‘kept me in a state of constant confusion’ – my exes were all very bright and knew exactly how to tangle me in my own arguments until I didn’t know which way was up and felt stupid and helpless, making me justify why I wore makeup or certain clothes or held certain beliefs, critiquing my every move. It wasn’t until I was out of the relationships that I could see exactly how much control they had exerted over my life. I wish I’d read something like this ten years ago and maybe I wouldn’t have wasted so much time and love on men who deserved it the least. Thank you.
Exactly Harriet <3
You put it so well.
Anyone can fall for a person with a toxic personality. The problem is how much strength it take to leave it again…And that you'll have to stay awake and aware for the rest of your life – just as if you were quitting an addiction.
Thank you too.
Henriette
A modern-day Nora Helmer.
Even women who are strong, smart and independent can be slowly and surely belittled into nothingness.
Getting out of a bad relationship is just as difficult and takes just as much stamina and willpower as quitting drugs.
RENCANA KESELAMATAN ALLAH YANG SEDERHANA
Hai Kawan! Saya akan mengajukan pertanyaan yang paling penting di dalam kehidupan ini. Kebahagiaan dan kesusahan Anda dari sekarang sampai selama-lamanya akan bergantung pada jawaban Anda. Pertanyaannya adalah: Apakah Anda sudah diselamatkan? Ini bukan pertanyaan tentang perbuatan baik Anda, bukan juga apakah Anda anggota gereja, tetapi apakah Anda sudah diselamatkan? Apakah Anda yakin akan masuk surga setelah meninggal dunia. Allah mengatakan bahwa untuk dapat masuk ke surga, Anda harus dilahirkan kembali. Dalam Yohanes 3:7, Yesus berkata kepada Nikodemus, “Kamu harus dilahirkan kembali.” Dalam Alkitab, Allah memberikan rencana bagaimana caranya untuk dapat dilahirkan kembali yang berarti diselamatkan. Rencana-Nya sangat sederhana! Anda dapat diselamatkan hari ini juga. Bagaimana caranya? Pertama-tama kawanku, Anda harus sadar bahwa Anda adalah orang berdosa. “Karena semua orang telah berbuat dosa dan telah kehilangan kemuliaan Allah” (Roma 3:23). Karena Anda adalah orang berdosa, Anda dipastikan akan mengalami maut. “Sebab upah dosa ialah maut” (Roma 6:23).
Pertama
Ini artinya pemisahan kekal dari Allah di dalam neraka. “… manusia ditetapkan untuk mati hanya satu kali saja, dan sesudah itu dihakimi” (Ibrani 9 : 27). Tetapi Allah sangat mengasihi Anda, Dia telah memberikan Anak-Nya yang tunggal, Yesus, untuk menanggung dosa Anda dan mati untuk Anda. “. . . Dia (Yesus) yang tidak mengenal dosa telah dibuat-Nya menjadi dosa karena kita, supaya dalam Dia kita dibenarkan oleh Allah” (2 Korintus 5 : 21). Yesus harus meneteskan darah-Nya dan mati. “Karena nyawa makhluk ada di dalam darahnya….. ” (Imamat 17 : 11). “…tanpa penumpahan darah tidak ada pengampunan” (Ibrani 9 : 22). “Akan tetapi Allah menunjukkan kasih-Nya kepada kita, oleh karena Kristus telah mati untuk kita, ketika kita masih berdosa” (Roma 5:8).
Meskipun kita tidak dapat mengerti bagaimana caranya, Allah berkata bahwa dosa-dosa saya dan Anda telah dibebankan pada Yesus dan Ia mati untuk kita. Dia dijadikan pengganti kita. Ini adalah kebenaran. Allah tidak dapat berbohong, Kawanku, “…sekarang Allah memberitakan kepada manusia, bahwa di mana-mana semua mereka harus bertobat” (Kis 17:30).
Kedua
Pertobatan ini adalah perubahan cara berpikir di mana seseorang mengaku dan setuju bahwa ia orang berdosa di hadapan Allah dan mengaku serta menerima apa yang telah dilakukan Yesus di atas kayu salib untuk kita semua. Dalam Kisah Para Rasul 16 : 30-31, penjaga penjara Filipi bertanya kepada Paulus dan Silas :….. Tuan-tuan, apakah yang harus aku perbuat supaya aku selamat?” Jawab mereka : Percayalah kepada Tuhan Yesus Knstus dan engkau akan selamat….. ”
Percayalah pada-Nya sebagai seseorang yang telah menanggung dosa-dosa Anda, dan mati menggantikan Anda, dikuburkan, dan dibangkitkan kembali oleh Allah. Kebangkitan-Nya memastikan bahwa orang percaya dapat yakin akan kehidupan kekal saat menerima Yesus sebagai Juruselamat. “Tetapi semua orang yang menerima-Nya diberi-Nya kuasa supaya menjadi anak-anak Allah, yaitu mereka yang percaya dalam nama-Nya ” (Yohanes 1:12).
“Sebab barangsiapa yang berseru kepada nama Tuhan, akan diselamatkan” (Roma 10:13). Barangsiapa dalam kutipan di atas termasuk Anda. Akan diselamatkan bukan berarti mungkin, atau dapat, tetapi pasti diselamatkan.
Ketiga
Tentu Anda sadar bahwa Anda seorang berdosa. Saat ini juga, di manapun Anda berada, bertobatlah, angkatlah hatimu pada Allah dalam doa. Dalam Lukas 18 :13, seorang yang berdosa berdoa : … Ya Allah, kasihanilah aku orang berdosa ini. ” Berdoalah :
“Ya Allah,
aku tahu bahwa aku adalah orang berdosa.
Aku percaya bahwa Yesus telah menggantikan
aku waktu Dia mati di kayu salib.
Aku percaya bahwa penumpahan darah-Nya,
kematian-Nya,
penguburan-Nya dan kebangkitan-Nya adalah untuk aku.
Sekarang aku menerima-Nya sebagai Juruselamat-ku.
Terima kasih atas pengampunan dosa-dosaku,
pemberian keselamatan dan kehidupan yang kekal,
karena rahmat dan anugerah-Mu.
Amin.”
Terimalah Firman Allah dan dapatkanlah keselamatan daripada-Nya dengan iman. Percayalah, maka Anda akan diselamatkan. Bukan gereja, perkumpulan atau pun perbuatan-perbuatan baik yang menyelamatkan Anda. Ingatlah, hanya Allah yang dapat melakukan karya keselamatan, secara menyeluruh! Rencana keselamatan Allah yang sederhana adalah: Anda orang berdosa.
Keempat
Apabila Anda tidak percaya dalam Yesus yang telah mati menggantikan Anda, pasti Anda akan tinggal untuk selama-lamanya di dalam neraka. Jika Anda percaya kepada-Nya sebagai Juruselamat yang telah disalibkan, dikuburkan serta dibangkitkan, Anda menerima pengampunan atas segala dosa dan karunia keselamatan kekal karena iman. Anda berkata, “Tidak mungkin semudah itu !” Ya, memang semudah itu ! Ini sesuai Alkitab. Ini adalah rencana Allah.
Hai kawan, percayalah pada Yesus dan terimalah Dia sebagai Juruselamat-mu hari ini juga. Kalau rencana-Nya masih belum jelas bagi Anda, bacalah tulisan ini berulang-ulang tanpa berhenti sampai Anda mengerti. Jiwa Anda lebih berharga daripada seluruh dunia. “Apa gunanya seorang memperoleh seluruh dunia, tetapi ia kehilangan nyawanya?” (Markus 8 : 36). Anda harus benar-benar pasti akan keselamatan pribadi ini. Apabila Anda kehilangan jiwa, Anda akan kehilangan surga dan kehilangan segala-galanya. Saya mohon dengan sangat, biarkanlah Allah selamatkan Anda saat ini juga! Kuasa Allah akan menyelamatkan Anda, tetapkan keselamatan Anda dan mungkinkan Anda untuk hidup sebagai orang Kristen yang selalu menang atas pencobaan.
Kelima
“Pencobaan-pencobaan yang kamu alami ialah pencobaan-pencobaan biasa, yang tidak melebihi kekuatan manusia. Sebab Allah setia dan karena itu Ia tidak akan membiarkan kamu dicobai melampaui kekuatanmu. Pada waktu kamu dicobai Ia akan memberikan kepadamu jalan keluar, sehingga kamu dapat menanggungnya.” (1 Korintus 10:13).
Jangan tergantung pada perasaan Anda. Perasaan itu selalu berubah. Berdirilah pada janji-janji Allah. Janji-janji Allah tidak pernah berubah. Setelah Anda selamat, ada tiga hal yang perlu dilakukan setiap hari untuk pertumbuhan iman:
Berdoa-Berbicara kepada Allah. Bacalah Alkitab-Biarkan Allah berbicara. Bersaksi-Anda berbicara bagi Allah.
Anda perlu dibaptis sesuai kepatuhan Anda pada Tuhan Yesus Kristus sebagai kesaksian pada khalayak ramai atas keselamatan Anda, dan kemudian bergabung secepatnya dengan gereja yang menjunjung tinggi Alkitab sebagai Firman Allah. “Jadi janganlah malu bersaksi tentang Tuhan kita. ……. ” (2 Timotius 1 : 8).
“Setiap orang yang mengakui Aku di depan manusia, Aku juga akan mengakuinya di depan Bapa-Ku yang di sorga” (Matius 10:32).
I’m sorry I don’t understand Indonesian
For more information, please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (800-799-7233) or visit their website: http://www.thehotline.org/.
For the most up-to-date resources, you can also visit the National Network to End Domestic Violence at http://www.nnedv.org.
Thank you Lin <3
Here is one more link for the UK
http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/domestic_violence
Thank you for sharing. I am in a relationship of these kind. All the best to you. And I hope one day I’ll be able to write my own books.
You will if you want to
Writing is great. Just one small word of caution.
When I started writing my story as fiction I had to stop because it was making me feel bad again.
Unfortunately there is a fine line between the therapeutic effect and re-traumatizing yourself…
So do it if it makes you feel good.
Now that I write to prevent the same thing from happening to others I feel great about it.
All the best to you
Henriette
Henriette… thank you so much for sharing, and thanks to Erica too. This is such an important topic and not just about men doing so to women. I loved through a relationship of verbal and emotional abuse and it took me way too long to recognize. Unfortunately my children have had to endure their entire lives and sometimes I think I should have stayed, which I did for a very long time, to be there for them. I now do everything I can, mostly through my actions instead of words (because they are very protective of their mother, in a very Stockholm syndrome manner) , to show them a better way. I do worry that they will adopt what they have lived through. I am told by those I trust, that there is a good chance they will seek help when they are more independent in college and hopefully break free of this albatross.
Dear Ted
I hope they will seek help.
The thing is – what they perceive as normal is what they have lived though.
Have you tried goggling “parental alienation”.
In the long run I think it is better that you have left. It may seem you let them down but in truth you have shown them that what went on wasn’t ok.
Be there for them when they come to you.
But do remember that there is a very fine line between supporting their emotions and NOT blaming anyone.
All the best!
Henriette
Henriette, I must thank you again for sharing your story with our supportive community. I cannot tell you the number of people on Twitter who have stepped forward, and who have either been or currently are in this type of situation. Can you please provide a hotline number or further resources where women (or men) can reach out to if they are in an abusive relationship?
Thank you.
You should contact your local women’s shelter or crisis center. They know where you can get help where you are.
Locate a support group for “Women Who Love Too Much” (a book by Robin Norwood)
To learn more and find help Google or facebook search:
psychopath, narcissist, borderline, sociopath, bipolar, toxic personalities, personality disorders, character disturbance, stress or anxiety symptoms. Domestic/Verbal/Emotional/Psychological Abuse…
Center Against Domestic Violence
http://www.cadvny.org
Help for Abused & Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters
http://www.helpguide.org
Abuse Victim Hotline
http://www.avhotline.org
Alcoholics Anonymous
http://www.aa.org
Drug Addicts Anonymous
daausa.org
Suicide Hotlines
suicidehotlines.com
Your school counselor
Your church
Facebook groups
Thank you so much for sharing your story! My kids are presently in the process of learning about good and bad friendship. We talk about how we should feel in a relationship and how it is more important to have quality than quantity. Hopefully they will remember our talk when it will come to long term relationship.
I wish you all the best, you deserve it!
Thank you so much – and so do you and your kids
Henriette you are so brave for leaving and then for sharing your story and helping others. I know this will help many who are stuck in a abusive relationship. You are an inspiration and role model.
Thank you so much Patty. <3
so, only men can be verbally abusive?
Absolutely not Julie. This is one woman’s story.
No it goes both ways – this is just my perspective.
I’d like to emphasize here that not all men are bad, and while I write “he” and “him” roles are often reversed. I do it for the sake of simplicity and because – obviously – I write from a woman’s perspective.