When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life

April 12th, 2011

By Guest Blogger Kiri Blakely

One night five years ago, I was getting ready for bed. It was about 11 p.m. My fiance, Aaron, whom I’d lived with for ten years, was in the living room. I could hear Sex and the City droning on the television.

“Kiri, come here,” he said, softly. “We need to talk.”

I padded into the living and plopped into a chair across from him. For an instant, it occurred to me that he might be about to tell me something horrible, but I just as instantly dismissed the thought. When you’ve lived with a man for a decade, you reside in a peaceful place of complete confidence that you know him thoroughly.

I was about to have that confidence forever stripped from me.

“I think I’m confused about my sexuality,” Aaron said. Then he burst into wracking sobs.

Aaron went on to tell me that he’d been “fantasizing” about men. Soon, it became apparent that he wanted to explore these fantasies, and that our relationship would have to end. After talking (and crying and screaming and cracking jokes at his expense) all night, I finally curled up into a fetal position on my bed and prayed for this surreal night to end.

Life as I’d known it was suddenly and without warning done.

The next morning, I would discover that my fiance wasn’t just “confused” and wasn’t just “fantasizing.” A little digging around in his computer revealed that he had long been cheating on me with strange men he found on Craigslist.

Here are a few tips for women who might be vaguely wondering if their man is secretly gay .

Tip #1 Get into his computer.

Tip # 2 Get into his computer.

Tip #3 Get into his computer.

If you do this, have an EKG first to make certain you don’t have a weak heart. Because when my fiance’s monitor filled with gay porn videos, pictures of muscular policemen in leather, and close-ups of his private parts, as well as listing after listing of men looking for sex, it’s sort of a medical miracle that I didn’t drop dead of shock.

It’s also good for him that he’d gone into work when I made my discovery. If he’d been home, he likely would have dropped dead of a lamp on his head.

My fiance had been cheating on me with men the entire time he’d simultaneously been encouraging me to marry him. We’d been engaged for about nine years. I had come from a long line of divorce and was wary that marriage might ruin our relationship. But I finally agreed that we should have a wedding. Aaron was so happy, he’d run into our local bar and whooped the news to all of his friends. Perhaps I should have known a man that excited to get married couldn’t be straight. ;)

So how did I deal with all of this?

Well I can’t say I dealt with this sudden turn of events in a way that talk-show gurus would describe as “healthy.” I didn’t sign up for yoga classes and check out every self-help book in the library. Instead, I numbed myself with alcohol and casual relationships. I recently read that this is a typical way of dealing with a traumatic break-up. Sociologists even have a name for it: anomie. It means embracing the breakdown of social norms and values.

Let’s get it straight though (so to speak): I didn’t fall apart as much as I could have. I didn’t turn to hard drugs or rob a bank. Nor did I prowl the streets at night looking for strange men to sleep with. I found them in respectable places—like bars.

But seriously, Aaron’s betrayal knocked me into another dimension. He and I had always had a close relationship. We had all of those things that successful couples are supposed to have. We “communicated.” We talked through our disagreements in a “healthy” fashion. Through every little trial and tribulation, as well as the big ones, Aaron had never let me down.

Beside the sweet little things, like never forgetting to acknowledge Valentine’s Day, he also was there for the big things. A year before he came out, I had two heart-breaking deaths in the family: my grandmother, whom I was extremely close to, and my young niece, who tragically died of a cancerous brain tumor at seven years old. Aaron couldn’t have been more instrumental to my hanging on to my sanity.

To realize this same loving man had for years been hooking up with men for random sexual encounters—putting my health, his health, and his safety at risk—was devastating. Not only to my sense of who he was, but to my sense of who I was.

Thrumming wildly around in my brain was the realization that if I didn’t know Aaron, I wouldn’t ever know anyone. How was I ever supposed to trust another man and commit to him?

I wouldn’t. This is what I told myself. Of course, I was a human being and had needs like everyone else, but I could satisfy those without the confines of another relationship. Men were too much of a high-risk proposition.

I now not only had a distrust of men—but especially men who reminded me of Aaron. That is to say of nice relationship-oriented men. For the first time in my life, I was attracted to the bad boys, the players. In my warped way of thinking, I reasoned that if I could see that these men were bad news, at least I wouldn’t be surprised when they screwed me over! Hey, I said I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I was basically suffering post-traumatic stress disorder. You know how a soldier comes back from war and can’t walk down his hometown street without fearing that a terrorist is going to blast him to smithereens? It’s because his brain chemistry and neural pathways have been altered. He now feels danger everywhere, even in his backyard. That’s how I felt.

The year I spent after Aaron’s revelation is the subject of my book, Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. Mixed up it was. Although my fiance had betrayed me in the worst way possible, that didn’t mean I stopped loving him, nor him me. After his announcement, we still spent a lot of time together, which was very confusing and, as the title says, mixed-up!

I began seeing two men in particular. There was Rahil, a hot-blooded Indian playboy who made it clear from the get-go that he didn’t believe in monogamy (and who was also still hung-up on his ex-girlfriend). And there was James, a handsome and dryly witty man who, despite being rather anti-social, was catnip to ladies. Both of these men, despite their emotional unavailability, helped distract me from my emotional turmoil and made me feel sexy again. If it all sounds like a pulpy romance paperback, and I guess in some ways, it was.

Then the worst thing happened. I fell in love with James. It was involuntary on my part—I wanted nothing more than a bed warmer. But his wit and animal magnetism became irresistible to me. Unfortunately, he was a confirmed man-whore who slept with every young woman within ten zip codes. But James, who was as determined to avoid a relationship as I was, couldn’t seem to leave me alone. It became one of those protracted love-hate relationships that is sexually charged yet emotionally draining. Still, neither one of us could seem to let go.

I realized after some soul-searching and the healing powers of time, that the only person I needed was myself. That it is better to be alone than to live with dysfunction. Sure, it’s great to be in a relationship—fundamental for most of us. But it does not define us. People are fallible and your belief in them always runs a risk of being shattered. Betrayal will change you forever. But, if you work very hard, it can change you for the better in some ways. For example, I’m no longer the smug, judgmental person I used to be. I realize now that bad things can happen to good, smart people. And this happens as a way to strengthen our character and teach us a lesson.

I look back at that time with some bemusement, some horror, and some affection. I’d suffered one of the worst things a relationship can throw at you, and somehow lived to tell the tale. In the process, I discovered how strong I was, how complex people can be, and, yes, how we can endlessly renew our love in other people—and in ourselves.

What do you think?

~Kiri

BIO:

Kiri Blakeley is the author of Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. She also writes about women and pop culture for Forbes. Visit her at kiriblakeley.com or at her blog at Forbes The Bold Type.

xoxEDxox

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

58 Responses to “When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life”

  1. Wow, this post is fastidious, my sister is analyzing these things,
    so I am going to convey her.

    Here is my web-site … hairstyles medium length

  2. CristiNo Gravatar says:

    I was reading your pasted relationship.and im going thru almost the same thing. Ive been with my man for 4years now. And i came up where he goes to school without letting him know. That i had a bad feeling about something to do with him. While when i visited. Unannounced. He was in bed naked and he never does that. And he jumped up and proposed to me on the spot.( weird) his first mistake. And i used his phone to look up something and what pops up. A m4m site on craigslist. So being the persin i am . I asked what the heck is this? And he said he hit the wrong site. Well i said ok left it alone. The next morning he was leaving for school. I told him when he didnt have time to think about it. Cause he had to get ti school. My phones messed up can i use your phone today baby ;) . Found out as well as he found out . Im a god of phone programming .lol and when he came home. We sit down and and said who ,what,when, and where. I know already proofs on your phone. All your deleted MESSAGES ARE IN YOUR INBOX !!! Now if you dont telle everything IM GONE!! He told me everything but one thing. He said i love you and want to be with you. I was curious and its not for me. So i gave him his ring back and told him curious George dies from HIV . I told him craigslist 101 most of the personals on this site are people looking to hurt you. And dont care about you or themselves. He still calling wNting me back. And the last thing i said to him was i love you and youll miss me when im gone.now my ex husband and my ex fiancee,can cry together. I deal with alot in a relationship. But i dont deal with cheaters,thieves or liers!!!! So what im sayn is if i can get thru my last 16years of lies and cheaters . Anybody can.

  3. If the available th?mes aren’t what you want, br?wse
    the web for a free Windows Vista theme. U? mail order company Bromleighs sells a hug? va?iety of
    switches and facepl?tes to suit all tast?s. It is more diffi?ult t? renovate a bu?lding than constructing a building at the first instance becau?e the
    resources available at your dispos?l are now limited.
    Select “Appearance and Personalization” ?n “Control Panel,” th?n choose “Personalization. org) where old PCs help people in school laboratories, foster homes, homeless shelters or community centers. The Nokia Lumia 920 is colorful, chic, fashion-forward, trendy, and is definitely a must-have smartphone, especially for all those who love the Lumia 900 (which was on top of the back-to-school wishlist last year).

  4. You undoubtedly allow it to be seem easy with the business presentation however i to discover this disorder for being in fact a very important factor that i come to feel I would hardly ever understand. This indicates way too difficult and really large personally. Now i am looking in advance on your own next post, I most certainly will try to master this!

  5. priate girl says:

    hey you guy’s
    I think it sucks, that girls like me don’t even no a guys gay or bi. cause i never had the chance to hang out with gay guys, etc… i feel like a dork, i feel like the bi guys are making fun of me in front of my face. sorry, but my experience just last year, has made me somewhat homophobic. i think im in love with a gay guy in the closet. help… i said i think… having a hard time with his gay porn and the mean degrading porn sites he watches and laughs at… this to me is a red flag, and not something i want to see, or deal with. this is not a normal male, female thing… its a gay, hate woman thing… that’s what i think.. almost two years into this and this guy has more sick problems than any person i know. and i am trying to distance myself from him, but can’t believe its so hard. i have no idea on how to compete with a dude.. and i do not want to or should not have to. i am a beautiful, smart, great body, no kids, no baggage, rich, 50′s and lonely. that’s the problem. i like myself, love men.. never even thought i would be in this spot. but here i am, still wondering about men

  6. priate girl says:

    hey you guy’s
    I think it sucks, that girls like me don’t even no a guys gay or bi. cause i never had the chance to hang out with gay guys, etc… i feel like a dork, i feel like the bi guys are making fun of me in front of my face. sorry, but my experience just last year, has made me somewhat homophobic. i think im in love with a gay guy in the closet. help… i said i think… having a hard time with his gay porn and the mean degrading porn sites he watches and laughs at… this to me is a red flag, and not something i want to see, or deal with. this is not a normal male, female thing… its a gay, hate woman thing… that’s what i think.. almost two years into this and this guy has more sick problems

  7. JENIFERNo Gravatar says:

    My name is Frankline Jenifer, from USA I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR HERCULES he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 6years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to usa, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is GREATHERCULESSPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

  8. rosidaNo Gravatar says:

    HI My Name is rosida, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called prophet jakula has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost family to me, i was married to this man called macaulay we were together for 7yrs and we loved our self’s but when i was unable to give him a child, he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore. Ever since then I’av been looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave me his contant email yo me then you wont believe this when i contacted this man and tell him my problems he prepared this spell and bring my lost husband back and after a month i miss my mesis and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today because am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great prophet jakula for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems and even worse you can contact him today on his mail prophetjakula@gmail.com and he will also help you as well with his great spell,

  9. DinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend now is and was leading a double life. He was dating this woman almost twice my age, and for major part of our relationship. I came to know when I called the other woman, Jocelyn, about him and inquiring about how long they been dating. She didn’t answer any of my questions, however, the questions she asked me and the other proof I found led me to beleive my ex Jose had been dating her and me for atleast two years. As a woman I answered as many questions she had, cause I thought she should know.

    What bothers me the most is that even though Jocelyn seems to be way older than me, she started acting as if I was at fault and that I owed her an explanation for my ex living a double life. I am glad that it’s not my life that is ruined that it’s hers, as she has chosen to be with this god awful guy. I would NEVER go back to my ex, however, I still have a ton of anger towards my ex for betraying me. I just hope I am able to let go and just move on.

  10. DinaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi,

    My ex boyfriend now is and was leading a double life. He was dating this woman almost twice my age, and for major part of our relationship. I came to know when I called the other woman, Jocelyn, about him and inquiring about how long they been dating. She didn’t answer any of my questions, however, the questions she asked me and the other proof I found led me to beleive my ex Jose had been dating her and me for atleast two years. As a woman I answered as many questions she had, cause I thought she should know.

    What bothers me the most is that even though Jocelyn seems to be way older than me, she started acting as if I was at fault and that I owed her an explanation for my ex living a double life. I am glad that it’s not my life that is ruined that it’s hers, as she has chosen to be with this god awful guy still. I would NEVER go back to my ex, however, I still have a ton of anger towards my ex for betraying me. I just hope I am able to let go and just move on.

  11. AlphonsoNo Gravatar says:

    As a gay male who has met many ‘straight’ men who initially/eventually reveal to me they are on the ‘downlow,’over the years, I feel for you women…the advice you are being given, you need to heed and follow.
    An example, is a man I know as Dave…he is a high school teacher, recently married (I know and work with his wife, although only found this out well into our involvement together). He would meet me on Saturday mornings when his wife was supervising a weekend children’s netball team…although he had the appearance of a tall, athletic, very attractive heterosexual male who spoke with a deep manly voice, his role with me was was as a complete bottom…we met online on a gay dating site…after many visits (he always told his wife he was going for a ride on his motorbike while she supervised her netball team) when he revealed to me that he was on the downlow, I asked him how did he cope doing this with me and maintaining a marriage??? If it was me, I don’t think I could live with myself. It would be just too emotionally difficult. But these men seem to be able to compartmentalize the different parts of their lives.
    Heed the advice of others on this posting site, if you have a hunch there is something amiss, there invariably will be. If things don’t add up, look into the situation further, try not to be passive and just accept what your spouse/fiance tells you. These men will do everything to keep their cake and eat it too. You deserve to be treated better than that…
    …and Yes, check that computer!!!…your health and self esteem are worth it – men on the downlow don’t seem to know the meaning of ‘Safe Sex.’

    • AlexaNo Gravatar says:

      I applaud your honesty. I had a gay friend that told me something similiar and I was shocked. If your gay. Fine. But when a person is a deceitful jerk with perverted tendacies and is selfish and self centered to think only of their own sexual needs and not those of their family i.e. wife, children, mom, dad etc. What a pitiful human being. They are unloyal and dispicable. Not only do they live a lie but they force their “supposed” loved ones to live a lie as well

  12. TNo Gravatar says:

    My husband & I lost our home to the recent hurricane Sandy in October. By December, when it was clear we would be going home soon, I decided to go into his email (he knows I have the password) and download some pictures of his son that had gotten destroyed in the flood. I was going to send them to be reprinted. What I found was devastating… pictures of him posing, dressed in wigs, stockings etc. He had told me his ex wife had pictures of him photoshopped & sent them to his family & boss & accused him of being gay. I never questioned it. Thought his ex was a lunatic & hated her all these years (6) for hurting him like that, but was glad because I had met him. He’s my soul mate, my best friend (so I thought) Ive known almost 2 months now. He has answered & posted ads on Craigslist. I found an ad that I KNOW he wrote; so I made a phony email address & answered it. I am currently going back & forth with him pretending to be a guy to see when he says hes available; so far he has told this “guy” he’s avail when he knows I will be at work. I dont know how far to take this before I confront him. I dont know if I should confront him. He has told me he has thoughts of guys when he’s super horny & he’s watched gay/cd porn but that afterwards, he’s like WTF was I thinking. Ive given him chances; Ive asked him if he would ever have a 3some with me with a bi-guy; spice things up a bit; something different. He says he could never do it and wouldnt be comfortable with me seeing him “that way” I dont know if I confront him about this if he will have a break down because in his mind he’s not my “Big Daddy” anymore. Hes admitted to men in emails that he’s a bottom so Im sure he’s gone all the way with men. Ive seen pics of him giving BJs & 1 3-some with men. Im mad because we are supposed to have this “open” relationship and he is still leading a double life. He tells me Im sexy; I know hes into women; so he is BI but either he wont admit it to me; or somehow justifies it to himself. My stomach twists when he looks at me lovingly and tells me Im his best friend; how much he loves me; how Im his dream wife… he sometimes seems insecure; asking me if I really love him. Asking me if he takes care of me good enough. Always seemed odd but I thought he was just really a sensitive emotional guy that was hurt over his divorce because according to him he did everything for her & it was never good enough. Im so sick right now. Its not so much that hes bi. People are what they are. Im mad because he wasnt honest with me from the beginning and that hes having these secret affairs inviting men into my home and jeapordizing his health & mine. He always told me he is open sexually. So am I. So yes, we’ve had other men and other women in bed with us (ONCE there was M/M contact but he told me he didnt like it; wasnt comfortable & that its “out of is system”) Part of me wants to go on as Ive been; acting like everything is fine & enjoying our life together and when I feel like I cant look at him just have a drink & say Im tired/headache whatever, go to the Dr & hope for the best. Another part of me wants to confront him; but where will that lead? We have no money to seperate; there will be no trust (he has a seperate email address that Im still trying to hack the password for) because he can always make another email address & it’ll probably be years before I accidentally catch on to it… I cant live my life stalking craigslist, answering ads that I think he put up & constantly checking my fake email for his response. Its been a week since Im doing this with the emails & its driving me crazy. I dont know how long I can hold out. I think about confronting him calmly and trying to talk about it; then when Im aggrevated with him over something small I picture myself just blurting it all out !! I have no one to talk to about this obviously. IF he knows I know it will devastate him. If he knows I TOLD someone else, I cant imagine what will happen…. Sorry its so long but after over 2 months now this is the first time I’m “letting it out” Please help!

  13. UnessiaNo Gravatar says:

    WOW, I just found out 1/25/13, because he gave me his old phone to transfer mine to and wham 5 hours later all his contacks a few emails and a pic came to my phone. 30 reply’s to cd m4m on F N CRAIGSLIST, and when i LOOKED THROUGH ALL HIS & MY CONTACTS HE HAD A ZILLION FEMALE NAMES & #’S FROM TALLAHASSEE TO FT. LAUDERDALE. I IMMEDIATELY STARTED GOOGLING THE #’S AND EVERY F N ONE OF THEM CAME UP WITH PICS OF BIG FAT ASS WHITE WOMEN ALL FROM ESCORT SERVICES. OMG,,,, WTH DO WE DO. I CONFRONTED HIM AND ASKED IF HE WAS Bi and he DENIED EVERYTHING, said r u crazy, why would you ask me something like that, i said I’ll show you and showed him the man’s ass & dick from behind in a fetal position on his phone & the email he replied to om craigslist on 12/9/12, sob denied that too even tho it was sent from his own email. he said somebody hacked into his phone probably. Im tripping…..guess he’s a closet case sex addict. what to do??????

  14. yellow gold rings…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  15. SheilaNo Gravatar says:

    having my lover back was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I have been dating my lover for 3yrs now, we have never had a misunderstanding that would lead to us leaving each other till last month when my lover accused me of cheating when am not, his jealousy turned us apart. Everytime i message him or call him he tells me to go and meet my new boyfriend that he has found himself a girlfriend too, I was so depressed that i could not take it any more then i told a friend what i was going through. That was how i was introduced to a lady called priestess Ifaa online who they say it does spells. I told her all that happened and. The spell lady said that i shouldn’t worry that she’s going to restore my happiness At first I didn’t want to believe her when she said my lover is now dating someone else that’s why he is looking for an excuse to leave. She was right on because after she has done the spell to return my lover to me the other girl was trying to intrude into our relationship again that was when my lover beats her up and warned her never to come closer ever again. The lady spells worked to the fullness, you can contact her on this email priestessifaa@yahoo.com You will not be disappointed in ordering a spell from her.

  16. AliyaNo Gravatar says:

    Hi Kiri Blakely,

    I just recently discovered that my boyfriend was having casual encounters with men from Craigslist. When I found out he denied everything even though there was evidence. He said he wasn’t gay but just curious.
    He said he just emailed men back and forth but nothing more. I don’t really believe him. He begged for my forgiveness. I forgave him because I love him but I don’t believe him. I feel so paranoid now. I feel like he is in denial of his sexuality and is using me as a cover up. Sometimes I believe he is still hooking up with men It so hard to leave him. I’m unsure what to do. He said he is going to a psychologist to help figure himself out. I’m the crazy one for staying with him.
    I’m so in love with him.

  17. [...] When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life - Kiri Blakely, WomenOnTheFence.com [...]

  18. Veena malik says:

    Veena malik…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  19. Andres Energy…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  20. domestic violence stories…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  21. nexus says:

    nexus…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  22. Vivekananda says:

    Vivekananda…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  23. Prestashop Templates…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  24. ceai oolong | ceai…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  25. This FREE Report Will Show You This Miracle Formula So You Too Can Get Your Ex girlfriend or boyfriend Back!…

    [...]When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…

  26. MikeNo Gravatar says:

    Ladies ,, from a mans perspective,,,, I feel your pain , my story is a little different, Don’t feel like you are not attractive,, i’m sure you are,, but sometimes a relationship becomes , stagnent, men are visual creatures who thrive on visual and physical satisfaction, I was married twice,, over the last 30 years ,, until recently, i never even considered a sexual alternative, however,, the thoughts or fantacys in a mans mind are there,, its your choice to embrace him and talk about them or share ,, or shun him. I also have found comfort in these thoughts,, i havent acted on them ,, my girfriend of 8 years just moved back to the north,, i asked her to leave,, i am very lonley now and have considered the alternatives thet you ladies speak about. I think i need hlp

  27. wellNo Gravatar says:

    so wicked that some not ready to marry men will send a pretty lady to her early grave. My colleague men in gay business, i just dont know why health implication doesnt matter to them at all. I guest most of them might have contributed to the recent price hike of pampers as they compete with nursing mother sorting them in shops

  28. JeannieNo Gravatar says:

    Kiri, I found out that my former fiance who was still my boyfriend is bisexual by getting him a phone line on my phone plan. He used over 1,000 anytime minutes within one week. I started calling the numbers and found gay live and interactive male along with countless dating sites. He admitted to sleeping with men but lied about always using protection. July 15, 2010 is still the worst day of my life. The betrayal was made worse by his lies and his stating that he cheated because I was overweight. He was purportedly afraid that I’d have a breakdown if he left me. It turns out he had been on Meth from April of 2010 onward til the end of July 2010. He had been losing weight at a rapid rate. He vascillates the label of his sexuality between bisexual and heterosexual. I ended up learning from hearing an ad of his on Interactive Male that he prefers to bottom. In addition, in two e-mail Craigslist responses he stated that he loves to serve as a bottom. We were broken up until his 41st birthday on April 10, 2011. We remained the best of friends but once we got back together, I realize that I am compromising myself to be with him. I have access to his GoPhone records and Yahoo! account and check several times per day. One early morning between May 9th and 13th, he made 4 calls, 2 of which were to Interactive Male. He used 30 minutes that I had paid for! I renewed the 30 minutes and he hasn’t thus far used any of it. He accused me of trapping him in May. Since May 20th he has been in a rehab in LA for gambling addiction. He isn’t addressing his other addictions–alcohol, drug, and sex. He claims to love me and admires me for “forgiving” him. I can’t forget. I still get an upset stomach when I picture him with the AT LEAST 6 men he was with when he was with me PRIOR to my discovering his double life. The two (his words) ugly women he had sex with don’t bother me as much as the at least 6 men. I went through HIV tests and so far am NEGATIVE–thank God! He always wears shorts. I think he wears them for easy access. He also takes middle of the night walks. I can’t help but sense that he is likely meeting men at night for sex. I haven’t seen him since May 20th. He is looking forward to August 19th because it is 3 years that we’ve been “together”. He wants to pretend that we never broke up. I love him very much but don’t believe he’s in love with me. I’m waiting for him to break up with me. He thinks I weigh 189.5 but I actually weigh 196 lbs. He thinks I blindly trust him. I DON’T. If I didn’t love him, it would be much easier to let go. I’ve got to love myself more. I know I deserve better. He and I BOTH need to be honest with who we are and that we’d be better off apart. In the process of getting a counselor to help support me in letting him go. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Want to believe that he can give up his desire to bottom with men. Something inside of me tells me that he will never lose that desire. Am I right?

    • KiriNo Gravatar says:

      Wow, Jeannie. I do not know if he will ever lose that desire– likely not. The question is, can he control it? And can you TRUST that he will? So those are the questions, and only you and he can answer them. I’m sorry you have gone through so much.

      • JeannieNo Gravatar says:

        Kiri,

        July 15, 2010 was the worst day of my life when I found out about Brad’s double life as I’ve previously stated. The 2nd worst day was the Friday before last when I received a text message at 12:10AM meant for a guy named Jeff. This was so bad because he promised previously that I was the love of his life. I guess once a cheater always a cheater. Especially when Brad exhibits all 10 criteria of being a sociopath. Thanks for kindly responding to me October 12, 2011. Now I know that July 15, 2010 should have been the last time I ever had anything to do with him. Wasted an additional 2 1/2 years–a total of 4 1/2–to learn the lesson that I can’t make a sociopath love anyone but himself. I hope to hear from you again. Last communication I initiated was: Jeff did not get your message. I did. It’s over is not strong enough. You’ve lost EVERYTHING to do with me FOREVERMORE. I’m done. That was sent to him at 6:55AM Friday January 11th. It is now January 19th–8 days without him and it’s definitely for the best. To make matters worse, he signed up for Local Cheaters.com using MY e-mail address! I’ll miss his family most of all if they decide not to have anything to do with me because I’ve cut their son and brother out of my life but that’s a risk I must take. Brad is a homosexual who thinks he’s bi, bipolar, and a sociopath. No wonder I’ve been hesitant to enter the dating scene. Yet I know in my heart that 99% of guys aren’t like that. Thanks a million Kiri! God bless and congrats on your relationship.

  29. [...] Last time I guest blogged on WomenOnTheFence.com, I described finding out that my longtime fiance, the man I was about to marry, was secretly gay and had been cheating on me with men for years. I wrote a book about it called Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. [...]

  30. sandraNo Gravatar says:

    Thank you for sharing your story. I found out that my fiancee had been cheating on me with men 13 days ago. Your story has helped me through it in so many ways. I appreciate the brutal honesty in your book and reading your journey to find yourself again has made me optimistic in my journey.

    • KiriNo Gravatar says:

      Wow, Sandra. I am really sorry to hear that. Please go to my website after you finish reading and let me know how you are doing. I want to hear back from you. I know exactly how you feel. Exactly!

  31. Lisbeth TanzNo Gravatar says:

    Kiri, I can’t relate to the gay part, but I did stay in a marriage that was sexless for 7 long years. We spent nearly 20 years together. He just didn’t like sex for whatever reason. It was heartbreaking to leave, but I was bitter and angry – and horny. I then met my now former boyfriend who is a lot like James. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who’s bonded with someone so obviously wrong for me but attractive nonetheless. Leaving this latest relationship was hard, especially as he swore he’d be faithful and a “better man.” He was saying that just as he received a text message from his 22-year-old latest love interest (he’s 36). Thank you, Universe, for the reminder that leaving is best.

    I’ve had friends who’ve asked if I’ll give up on love. Nope. Hope springs eternal. I know there’s the right person for me “out there.” This line from your post is perfect: “In the process, I discovered how strong I was, how complex people can be, and, yes, how we can endlessly renew our love in other people—and in ourselves.”

    • KiriNo Gravatar says:

      Thanks for sharing and reading Lisbeth… a sexless relationship, I hear about that a lot. Always wonder if the guy is gay or asexual. Either way, it’s not good!

  32. AlanaNo Gravatar says:

    Oh my goodness, Kiri, One of our participants at Stiletto Spy School shared the same experience. She wrote an article about it that I think you will really appreciate. Its here: http://app.e2ma.net/app2/campaigns/archived/1400298/3664ef4b00b05850d1107c5332c854ff/
    Just click on the link to ‘read more’ for the full story.

    When we posted this story on our Facebook page, other women commented that they’d had the same experience. Great to share it and get support from others. And brave of you to share it!

    • KiriNo Gravatar says:

      Thanks for posting that, def a similar experience…. interesting, I hadn’t heard of Stiletto Spy School before. Will check it out.

      • AlanaNo Gravatar says:

        Hi Kiri,

        It’s so interesting how many women – or I guess men too – feel ‘stuck’ somewhere in their life. Its so important for people to first be able to speak about where they are stuck, and then realize they are not alone.
        That’s what can help move the blocks and open the doors to the full life that is waiting for all of us.

        While we only talk about the fun side of Stiletto Spy School on our website – that’s where the power of it is.
        And that’s where the power of your book is too.

  33. Marla MillerNo Gravatar says:

    I gotta tell u, i was married for 28 years and for the ast 10, figured my husband was too—never did find out–I only knew this-he sure wasn’t jonesing for me & there was no evidence of other women–i actually wished there was—at least it would have explained his lack of interest—-i think there’s a whole lot of men who never come out but are gay–they want families and a straight lifestyle so they find women who fit the bill—i think i was one of them….

  34. Beth says:

    At his recent birthday party he had invited three guys from his work who were all gay. One of them was not interested in meeting me at all, kinda smirked when I introduced myself to him & walked away without saying what his name was. This was a large party with many of our dear friends we have known for years & my husband hung out 95% of the time with this other guy. Also, recently my husband has been having trouble maintaining an erection when we are making love. I’m afraid to confront him about it.

  35. JanineNo Gravatar says:

    Cheating is cheating, regardless of gender! Whether engaged or married, promises were broken! This is a great story & can help us all digest what can happen to ourselves or our friends in such a situation.

  36. [...] the original post: When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life | WomenOnTheFence.com Bookmark It This entry was posted in Health, Relationships and tagged blakeley, [...]

  37. AnneNo Gravatar says:

    Wow. Thanks for sharing. A few years ago, I found out that my husband (of 12 yrs) had been addicted to pornography for 22 yrs. and I felt much the same as you. Betrayed and feeling like I was unable to trust anyone ever again. But, in the end, and I love this line from your post… “In the process, I discovered how strong I was, how complex people can be, and, yes, how we can endlessly renew our love in other people—and in ourselves.”

    Anne
    the white words

  38. KirstyNo Gravatar says:

    Kiri, as someone else who knows what that experience feels like, I want to to say thank you for your candid retelling and humour. Its been one year since I left my fiance after discovering his other, albeit real, life. and Ladies, I assure you, finding out you’ve been cheated on whether male or female is devastating. In fact, knowing your man chooses a man over you is I now know worse than him cheating with a woman. I could have handled that news, simply, easily, it happens all the time, another woman, but when I found out it was with men, my life hit stand still. Dealing with that is not in the handbook. Facing every “how could you now know?” from friends, family, loved ones over and over again… humiliating on so many levels.

    • Kirsty, I’m sorry you went through it. You are right it is equally devastating, and for different reasons. For one, you feel like you were used so someone could live a socially acceptable life– not the case if your man cheats with a woman. For two, you feel like you fundamentally do not know or understand the person you loved. You don’t get competitive, that is true. I didn’t ask myself, “What does she have that I don’t?” But I did ask myself, again and again, “Who is this person? Why would he lie to me and himself for so long?” And, as you said, there is no handbook for that kind of news. On some level, most women are kind of prepared for their man to cheat with another woman. We’ve seen it, heard about it, read about it, or dealt with it in the past. Which doesn’t make it less difficult. But when it’s with men, you have no handbook for what to do, how to react, who to tell, nothing. And it also doesn’t make it easier that people THINK it’s easier because it’s not a woman. You have to deal with a lot of judgments (I constantly get, How could you not have known?!) that you wouldn’t with a woman. Oh, and then people were actually congratulating him for coming out. Which was fine, but no one seemed to really understand that this was truly devastating for me. No one would have congratulated him for having an affair with a woman.

  39. If you watch the video of me on The Today Show, you can see what I answered Meredith Vieira when she asked me about the cheating with men vs. women scenario! :)

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vq0mhXcyYuI

  40. Kiri, thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly. I am sure that night five years ago was a devastating moment for you… losing your partner and best friend in the blink of an eye. Although I agree with Jillian, that I would have an easier time if I discovered my man had been cheating with another man than with a woman, it doesn’t change the mourning and loss of a relationship you experienced, and actually losing someone you love.

    I just read from your comment that you are in a relationship now. Good for you! Make sure he treats you well!!! :) )

  41. @Beth, really? Why do you think so?

  42. Hi everyone:

    Thanks so much for your comments. I did get a bit of therapy for awhile, but it is still a long process of emotional recovery. I’m in a relationship now.

    I just wanted to let everyone know that my book is available at all of the usual places: Barnes & Noble, Amazon (Kindle too), etc. My website might go down for a bit today because I’m transitioning to a new host. But the book tells my entire story. My Forbes blog is more about pop culture.

    Anyway, here’s the Amazon link, and if you read the book (which I hope you will!) please email me at kiri@kiriblakeley.com and let me know what you thought. Best, Kiri

    http://www.amazon.com/Cant-Think-Straight-Memoir-Mixed-Up/dp/0806533307/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1283957239&sr=1-10

  43. Beth says:

    I think this is happening in my marriage.

  44. Jillian FowlerNo Gravatar says:

    Great article. Even though your betrayal was a gay partner, any woman who has been betrayed can relate to this. I have to be honest though, it’s alot easier on the self esteem that he was cheating with another man instead of woman. Am I alone in my thoughts or do other women agree?

  45. HappyNo Gravatar says:

    Kiri have you had any therapy in the five years? That will help you get over the betrayal issues and allow you to go into future relationships in a more healthy manner. Just a question.

  46. PaulineNo Gravatar says:

    Kiri thank you for sharing your story. I couldn’t help but laugh at some parts. I can relate to seeking a body after a bad breakup. It’s normal. Sounds like you made some smart revelations after going through all of this. I agree always better to be alone than in a bad relationship. I’m going to check out your blog now.

Leave a Reply

Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.