When Your Man Has Been Living A Double Life

April 12, 2011 64 Comments TAGS: Dating, Marriage, Relationships, Sex & Sexuality

By Guest Blogger Kiri Blakely

One night five years ago, I was getting ready for bed. It was about 11 p.m. My fiance, Aaron, whom I’d lived with for ten years, was in the living room. I could hear Sex and the City droning on the television.

“Kiri, come here,” he said, softly. “We need to talk.”

I padded into the living and plopped into a chair across from him. For an instant, it occurred to me that he might be about to tell me something horrible, but I just as instantly dismissed the thought. When you’ve lived with a man for a decade, you reside in a peaceful place of complete confidence that you know him thoroughly.

I was about to have that confidence forever stripped from me.

“I think I’m confused about my sexuality,” Aaron said. Then he burst into wracking sobs.

Aaron went on to tell me that he’d been “fantasizing” about men. Soon, it became apparent that he wanted to explore these fantasies, and that our relationship would have to end. After talking (and crying and screaming and cracking jokes at his expense) all night, I finally curled up into a fetal position on my bed and prayed for this surreal night to end.

Life as I’d known it was suddenly and without warning done.

The next morning, I would discover that my fiance wasn’t just “confused” and wasn’t just “fantasizing.” A little digging around in his computer revealed that he had long been cheating on me with strange men he found on Craigslist.

Here are a few tips for women who might be vaguely wondering if their man is secretly gay .

Tip #1 Get into his computer.

Tip # 2 Get into his computer.

Tip #3 Get into his computer.

If you do this, have an EKG first to make certain you don’t have a weak heart. Because when my fiance’s monitor filled with gay porn videos, pictures of muscular policemen in leather, and close-ups of his private parts, as well as listing after listing of men looking for sex, it’s sort of a medical miracle that I didn’t drop dead of shock.

It’s also good for him that he’d gone into work when I made my discovery. If he’d been home, he likely would have dropped dead of a lamp on his head.

My fiance had been cheating on me with men the entire time he’d simultaneously been encouraging me to marry him. We’d been engaged for about nine years. I had come from a long line of divorce and was wary that marriage might ruin our relationship. But I finally agreed that we should have a wedding. Aaron was so happy, he’d run into our local bar and whooped the news to all of his friends. Perhaps I should have known a man that excited to get married couldn’t be straight. ;)

So how did I deal with all of this?

Well I can’t say I dealt with this sudden turn of events in a way that talk-show gurus would describe as “healthy.” I didn’t sign up for yoga classes and check out every self-help book in the library. Instead, I numbed myself with alcohol and casual relationships. I recently read that this is a typical way of dealing with a traumatic break-up. Sociologists even have a name for it: anomie. It means embracing the breakdown of social norms and values.

Let’s get it straight though (so to speak): I didn’t fall apart as much as I could have. I didn’t turn to hard drugs or rob a bank. Nor did I prowl the streets at night looking for strange men to sleep with. I found them in respectable places—like bars.

But seriously, Aaron’s betrayal knocked me into another dimension. He and I had always had a close relationship. We had all of those things that successful couples are supposed to have. We “communicated.” We talked through our disagreements in a “healthy” fashion. Through every little trial and tribulation, as well as the big ones, Aaron had never let me down.

Beside the sweet little things, like never forgetting to acknowledge Valentine’s Day, he also was there for the big things. A year before he came out, I had two heart-breaking deaths in the family: my grandmother, whom I was extremely close to, and my young niece, who tragically died of a cancerous brain tumor at seven years old. Aaron couldn’t have been more instrumental to my hanging on to my sanity.

To realize this same loving man had for years been hooking up with men for random sexual encounters—putting my health, his health, and his safety at risk—was devastating. Not only to my sense of who he was, but to my sense of who I was.

Thrumming wildly around in my brain was the realization that if I didn’t know Aaron, I wouldn’t ever know anyone. How was I ever supposed to trust another man and commit to him?

I wouldn’t. This is what I told myself. Of course, I was a human being and had needs like everyone else, but I could satisfy those without the confines of another relationship. Men were too much of a high-risk proposition.

I now not only had a distrust of men—but especially men who reminded me of Aaron. That is to say of nice relationship-oriented men. For the first time in my life, I was attracted to the bad boys, the players. In my warped way of thinking, I reasoned that if I could see that these men were bad news, at least I wouldn’t be surprised when they screwed me over! Hey, I said I wasn’t thinking clearly.

I was basically suffering post-traumatic stress disorder. You know how a soldier comes back from war and can’t walk down his hometown street without fearing that a terrorist is going to blast him to smithereens? It’s because his brain chemistry and neural pathways have been altered. He now feels danger everywhere, even in his backyard. That’s how I felt.

The year I spent after Aaron’s revelation is the subject of my book, Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. Mixed up it was. Although my fiance had betrayed me in the worst way possible, that didn’t mean I stopped loving him, nor him me. After his announcement, we still spent a lot of time together, which was very confusing and, as the title says, mixed-up!

I began seeing two men in particular. There was Rahil, a hot-blooded Indian playboy who made it clear from the get-go that he didn’t believe in monogamy (and who was also still hung-up on his ex-girlfriend). And there was James, a handsome and dryly witty man who, despite being rather anti-social, was catnip to ladies. Both of these men, despite their emotional unavailability, helped distract me from my emotional turmoil and made me feel sexy again. If it all sounds like a pulpy romance paperback, and I guess in some ways, it was.

Then the worst thing happened. I fell in love with James. It was involuntary on my part—I wanted nothing more than a bed warmer. But his wit and animal magnetism became irresistible to me. Unfortunately, he was a confirmed man-whore who slept with every young woman within ten zip codes. But James, who was as determined to avoid a relationship as I was, couldn’t seem to leave me alone. It became one of those protracted love-hate relationships that is sexually charged yet emotionally draining. Still, neither one of us could seem to let go.

I realized after some soul-searching and the healing powers of time, that the only person I needed was myself. That it is better to be alone than to live with dysfunction. Sure, it’s great to be in a relationship—fundamental for most of us. But it does not define us. People are fallible and your belief in them always runs a risk of being shattered. Betrayal will change you forever. But, if you work very hard, it can change you for the better in some ways. For example, I’m no longer the smug, judgmental person I used to be. I realize now that bad things can happen to good, smart people. And this happens as a way to strengthen our character and teach us a lesson.

I look back at that time with some bemusement, some horror, and some affection. I’d suffered one of the worst things a relationship can throw at you, and somehow lived to tell the tale. In the process, I discovered how strong I was, how complex people can be, and, yes, how we can endlessly renew our love in other people—and in ourselves.

What do you think?



Kiri Blakeley is the author of Can’t Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. She also writes about women and pop culture for Forbes. Visit her at kiriblakeley.com or at her blog at Forbes The Bold Type.



    1. Olive Newton says:

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    2. Luaren Fisher1 says:

      There is a lot i have to say but i really don’t know were to start from. I guess i will have to build my story, that is life story form the begin but will try has much to make it short. I fell in love with my boyfriend Daxson about three years ago and since then we have being living together. We are not married or engaged because like he said he wanted to finish his med school and all that. I was not even bothered because we were in love and as long as there is love who really need marriage and somehow even with all the stress he was going through, he finds the time to make me feel loved always. He is literally the definition caring. But here is the twister i never knew or rather he never told me he was scared for being a father at least we never talk about it because it never crossed our mind and we always i mean always played it safe. I was on my pills and he always used protection. Like they say, i guess when its time its time like, i got pregnant. Looking at it then i will say, that was my greatest mistake in life only now i see a baby is really a blessing. Ok let me go back on track. When i told him about it, i couldn’t say he was happy or sad but he had an expression on his face like “de f*** i ve got med school and now this ?” but he assured me, it was fine and he was happy and we are going to do it together as a family and i wished all that where true. On my third trimester, he said to my face he was not ready to be a father and was not going to do it with me anymore and that he doesn’t think he is gonna be a good father. We all know its hard to believe soon we all gonna be parents but for real, it comes when we are not even prepared for it and all we can do then is accept it as it comes. I tried to make him see what he was doing to me and his baby i mean i loved him so much and i was the happiest woman alive to be carrying his child i just wished he was too. He was not even there to see his girl when she was born he just left me and our baby. I could not understand why i was just too heart broken knowing that he has been the only one in my life for three years and now he just left me with some silly excuse i could not understand. I literally became a single mom for four months before Metodo Acamu a witch doctor helped me get back the man i love. Its not like i couldn’t do it all alone i mean take care of my baby girl its just that i loved him so much that i could not leave without him and all i could think of was him. Even with all that happened i could not bring myself to hate him i was only heart broken and wished i could get him back. When i contact Motodo Acamu ,he asked me to get some materials of which he was going to use to prepare a spell that was coming to reunite me, Daxson and April my baby girl. I sent him the money for the materials because it was less stressful and he made me see he was an honest and truthful witch doctor. He helped me a lot, he sent a package to me which i paid for . He told me to burning the content of package with the incense he sent along with the content of the package and in seven days Daxson will be my one and only again. Just as Metodo Acamu said it happened. I can say i was surprise because i have never done this kind of thing before and i was not so sure how it will play out. Though i made Daxson beg, i had to let him into my life and that of April again because that was all i ever wanted. And the spell is totally safe like Metodo Acamu told me and the love is real because the spell only made him see how much i mean to him and how much his life revolves around April and i . Everyone has his or her own opinion about the witch doctor Metodo Acamu but for me he is the reason my family is complete and happy if you want to Contact him use this email
      metodoacamufortressx@ yah oo. com note please use the normal email format where all words and character are joined together

    3. Yes! Finally someone writes about gay porn.

    4. Leonard Harvey says:

      Anyone who has been in an off and on relationship can tell how frustrating it is. Most especially when you love them so much like they know you so well to know that no matter the circumstance in which the break up is based on, you are always gonna make up and start from a fresh page with them. Almost like you can not do without them and your life revolves round them which is literally speaking true. My relationship with my boyfriend was one such off and on thing only that he was the one who constantly kept breaking my heart and each time i kept crawling back to him like i had no life aside from that i shared with him. We started dating backing in 2010 and from 2010 to late 2013 he played with my heart knowing i was always gonna come back to him. He knew he could break up with me to date other guys he feels like and at the end of the day come back asking for a second chance and believe me it was always a second chance to me. It was either he wants to date another guys or he’s telling me that he is not sure he can be in a relationship with apparently cos he needed to find out what he wants in life and discover who he is. Most people asked why didn’t i just move on and find someone who was more worthy of my love. Yes i should have done just that but i can give a thousand reason why i always go back to him at the end of this entire text it will fall back to this that “I LOVE HIM WITH MY LIFE”. I could not see my whole life without him in it so basically i was a fool in love. No matter how i convince myself to hate him and make him suffer for all he did to me it was impossible for me to accomplish. It was like he had something over him that always drew me back to him no matter what the condition might be. I was in pain. It hurt me down to my soul hat he was so indecisive about what he wanted for us all those time. For about 2 years and 8 months i was literally his bitch that he does what he like to and dispose. I really didn’t know if he did all he did on purpose or f it was as a result of his indecisive nature. What ever it was i didn’t like cos all i wanted was to spend the rest of my life with him. Blame me or don’t on the basis of stupidity what’s done is done i contacted a spell caster to help get him in the path i wanted for us. I did this early this year. I was not going to say anything until i was sure that what Metodo Acamu did was for real. I was not going to start misleading people to do what does not exist. I can tell you without now doubt that the spell worked for me and also i have seen a couple of comment Online about Metodo Acamu it is obvious that all he does is make people lives better in every way and bring people out from what ever hellhole they where in. I should tell you that he is one of the only few if not the only one true spell caster that can help you out in any condition. Not cos i saw a couple of comments Online like that of Nicholas Zachary but because all these comments were written by real life people who have gone and seen the authenticity of Metodo Acamu. I asked Metodo Acamu to put my boyfriend in the right path i wanted for the two of us, to help kill that indecisive nature he had in him to make him mine and mine only forever. You should all know he did just that for me and the spell he cast changed our lives in ways you can’t imagine and the best part is that he didn’t take i single pound from me. I only gave him something out of my discretion as a sign of gratefulness for what he did for me. However Metodo Acamu asked me to get some materials which we used for the spell casting process. I will be opened with you all at first, i thought he wanted to use the required materials as a medium to get money form me but it turned out that he made it clear to me that without those materials it will me impose to do any spell just like cooking without food stuff. Even then he told me to either get the materials to temple by myself or parcel it over to him or to send him the money to get the materials for me if i can’t find them. I had to send the money to him cos it was even more less expensive that way. You should also know he is trust worthy you can trust him with anything. Here is his personal contact got it Online when i contacted him thought i should also leave it here maybe for those who need to contact Metodo Acamu {metodoacamufortressx at yahoo dot com}

    5. AmandaMcD says:

      Three months before my wedding the worst happened. Actually, in some way it was good (only in hindsight) , because for the first time in years I followed my heart and gut and found out the truth. He was sleeping with someone else … a man, shit. I had no idea how to deal with this information and was and am still mortified. How could I have never known, how could I have agreed to marry a man that wants to be with other men? I am normally a very extroverted person who loves being social and has made a career of it. I have since found myself hiding out in my little seaside home, alone most days, terrified to get back into a public life. I have thought at length about leaving my small, rural fishing village and even traveled across the country to test the waters on the other coast. But I just don’t want to. I am very slowly getting back the confidence I once had, but I am sure I will never, ever be entirely convinced of relationship security again. Thank you so much for sharing your story. It is an incredible thing to know you are not the only gal going through a balls out hell of a time.

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    7. Cristi says:

      I was reading your pasted relationship.and im going thru almost the same thing. Ive been with my man for 4years now. And i came up where he goes to school without letting him know. That i had a bad feeling about something to do with him. While when i visited. Unannounced. He was in bed naked and he never does that. And he jumped up and proposed to me on the spot.( weird) his first mistake. And i used his phone to look up something and what pops up. A m4m site on craigslist. So being the persin i am . I asked what the heck is this? And he said he hit the wrong site. Well i said ok left it alone. The next morning he was leaving for school. I told him when he didnt have time to think about it. Cause he had to get ti school. My phones messed up can i use your phone today baby ;). Found out as well as he found out . Im a god of phone programming .lol and when he came home. We sit down and and said who ,what,when, and where. I know already proofs on your phone. All your deleted MESSAGES ARE IN YOUR INBOX !!! Now if you dont telle everything IM GONE!! He told me everything but one thing. He said i love you and want to be with you. I was curious and its not for me. So i gave him his ring back and told him curious George dies from HIV . I told him craigslist 101 most of the personals on this site are people looking to hurt you. And dont care about you or themselves. He still calling wNting me back. And the last thing i said to him was i love you and youll miss me when im gone.now my ex husband and my ex fiancee,can cry together. I deal with alot in a relationship. But i dont deal with cheaters,thieves or liers!!!! So what im sayn is if i can get thru my last 16years of lies and cheaters . Anybody can.

      • Lilly G says:

        I am going thru the same thing this week, he said he would quit but honestly after countless encounters with guys on craigslist I don’t think I can do it. doubting who he is on the phone with, where he is going too much energy wasted on that. I came to the conclusion that because I love him so much I should let him go. He should go find himself, what he likes, what he doesn’t. He wanted to marry me but that would be a selfish and too hard for me. Oh well we live and we learn. Sometimes you just have to accept it and take your loss with a grain of salt.

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    10. priate girl says:

      hey you guy’s
      I think it sucks, that girls like me don’t even no a guys gay or bi. cause i never had the chance to hang out with gay guys, etc… i feel like a dork, i feel like the bi guys are making fun of me in front of my face. sorry, but my experience just last year, has made me somewhat homophobic. i think im in love with a gay guy in the closet. help… i said i think… having a hard time with his gay porn and the mean degrading porn sites he watches and laughs at… this to me is a red flag, and not something i want to see, or deal with. this is not a normal male, female thing… its a gay, hate woman thing… that’s what i think.. almost two years into this and this guy has more sick problems than any person i know. and i am trying to distance myself from him, but can’t believe its so hard. i have no idea on how to compete with a dude.. and i do not want to or should not have to. i am a beautiful, smart, great body, no kids, no baggage, rich, 50’s and lonely. that’s the problem. i like myself, love men.. never even thought i would be in this spot. but here i am, still wondering about men

    11. priate girl says:

      hey you guy’s
      I think it sucks, that girls like me don’t even no a guys gay or bi. cause i never had the chance to hang out with gay guys, etc… i feel like a dork, i feel like the bi guys are making fun of me in front of my face. sorry, but my experience just last year, has made me somewhat homophobic. i think im in love with a gay guy in the closet. help… i said i think… having a hard time with his gay porn and the mean degrading porn sites he watches and laughs at… this to me is a red flag, and not something i want to see, or deal with. this is not a normal male, female thing… its a gay, hate woman thing… that’s what i think.. almost two years into this and this guy has more sick problems

    12. JENIFER says:

      My name is Frankline Jenifer, from USA I never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in February this year on a business summit. I meant a man who’s name is DR HERCULES he is really powerful and could help cast spells to bring back one’s gone, lost, misbehaving lover and magic money spell or spell for a good job or luck spell .I’m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 3 weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 6years. I really loved him, but his mother was against us and he had no good paying job. So when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him. At first i was undecided, skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try. And in 7 days when i returned to usa, my boyfriend (now husband) called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married. I didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do. Well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid, and my husband also got the new job and our lives became much better. His email is GREATHERCULESSPELLTEMPLE@GMAIL.COM

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