By Guest Blogger Alisa Bowman
About four years ago, our toddler ran away from us at the grocery store. I chased her into the pasta aisle where she was holding a big jar of red sauce. My heart rate sped up as I realized I was about to become that parent, the mother who watches her child smash a jar onto the floor of aisle 6 and then walks away as if nothing happened.
In that moment, I understood why parents do things like that. It all became clear. They are just too exhausted, unappreciated, overwhelmed and resentful to have to deal with one more mess.
That is why I sweet-talked that jar of sauce out of my kid’s sticky little hands as if it were the most precious and fragile family heirloom. I got it back on the shelf. Then I realized that my daughter had run away again.
After I finally tackled her and put her in a football carry, I found my husband. I was still out of breath from chasing her down. In his trademark snotty voice, he said, “While you were having a good time, I have been here trying to figure out what to buy.”
That night I came home and started writing a novel about a woman who kills her husband and gets away with it.
Another time my husband took our daughter, then 2 1/2 to the mall. He didn’t bother to ask her if she needed to go to the bathroom. Therefore she peed her pants. He didn’t pack an extra outfit, either. So after removing her urine soaked clothes, he carried her out of the mall and put her in her car seat naked. When he got home he said in that same surly voice, “Because you didn’t put an extra outfit in the car, she had to sit in her car seat naked.”
That night I planned his funeral down to the lamb on a stick I would serve the mourners.
I could tell you dozens more stories. What’s interesting about them is that, in isolation, none of them sound all that bad. When I talk about them, many people look at me and say, “You wanted him dead over that?”
No, it was never over just that. I would plan his funeral over dozens of insults, slights, misunderstandings and hurtful incidents that had spanned over many years. I did it because, for us, nothing was going on in the bedroom other than him snoring and me punching him in the arm when he did so. Nothing was being said over dinner, either.
The life had drained out of our marriage slowly and steadily.
Each new argument was like a paper cut. Taken alone, it wasn’t a big deal. When added to all of the other problems, it was nearly lethal.
By the time our daughter was nearly three, I was planning my escape. On Mother’s Day I had dinner with a divorced friend. For 45 minutes, I ranted about my husband and tried to convince her that he was evil—a mistake, a person not good enough for me, someone I should have never married in the first place.
She listened patiently.
Then she asked, “What have you done to save your marriage?”
I got tongue tied and then red in the face.
And then I admitted that I had tried nothing. She made me promise to try something, marital counseling perhaps. If it didn’t work, then “sure,” she said, “get a divorce.”
I didn’t try marital counseling. I decided to read my way to a better marriage instead. I bought book after book. I studied Internet site after site.
And I tried tip after tip.
Oddly, some of it worked. Slowly over time, I was struck with three revelations.
- My husband wasn’t as evil as I’d once thought. Clueless and unable to read my mind? Yes. Evil? No. The man actually wanted to make me happy. He just didn’t know how.
- He wasn’t the source of all of our marital problems. I was. Once I learned how to be assertive without being aggressive, I was able to improve every area of our marriage—including our sex life.
- He didn’t piss me off on purpose. His surly tone was usually a result of his own inability to communicate coupled with a fear of confrontation. He had no idea I found his tone so scary and condescending. When I told him about it, he was floored.
It wasn’t until later, after we renewed our vows, that I was struck with two more revelations.
The fourth one was this: More people want their spouses to conveniently drop dead than anyone suspects. I learned this after I started talking about my own death fantasies. Some people stared at me blankly when I talked about it, only to pull me aside later and whisper, “I’ve so been there.” Others laughed loudly and told me and everyone in the room about theirs.
The fifth revelation came as I started talking to couples who had been married for 20, 30, 40 or 50 or more years about their marriages. “Did you ever go through a rough patch?” I asked. Usually one or both of them would laugh and say, “Oh yes did we ever! Let me tell you….”
After they finished telling me about all of the hard times, I would ask, “Do you regret staying together?” Not once has a couple answered that question with a, “Yes.”
If you are currently in what I have come to call The Planning The Funeral Stage of Marriage, that should give you hope. I hope my story gives you hope, too. So should the stories of a growing number of couples who are fighting for their marriages and finding ways to make it work.
More and more couples are realizing that being happily married is not a mysterious sensation spread through fairy dust. Rather it’s a skill. You can either learn and perfect that skill now with your current spouse, or you can learn it with the next one. Either way, to be happily married, you’ve got to perfect it.
Here are a few tips:
- Practice the art of communication. Communication is a skill, one that improves with practice. Practice it everywhere you go and during every conversation you have. Listen with all of your attention and rephrase what you think you heard to make sure you got it right. Practice asking questions and see just how much information you can get out of someone. Practice asking for what you want in a low voice, slowly, without tension.
- Be the change you want to see in your marriage. If you want more conversations, start them. If you want a spicier sex life, spice it up yourself. If you want to be heard, improve your delivery. It’s a lot easier to change yourself than it is to change your spouse. And by changing you, your spouse will change, too.
- Get over the idea of fairness. This is a tough lesson, but an important one. The process of saving your marriage isn’t fair. There are going to be times when you have to do most of the work. Get over it.
Remember, deciding to work on your marriage requires a leap of faith, because you truly will never know the results until you try. But I encourage you to take that leap for your partner and yourself. No matter where it leads, you will never regret trying.
~Alissa
Alisa Bowman is the author of Project: Happily Ever After, a memoir of how she saved her marriage. She is also the creator of ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com, a gathering spot for recovering divorce daydreamers.
Tell us, have you been close to the end of the lifeline on your marriage? What did you do? Share YOUR tips to a happy marriage. Feel free to comment anonymously so perhaps your story can help others.
xoxEDxox
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Tags: Alisa Bowman, bad marriage, divorce, frazzled mom, happy marriage, How I Saved My Marriage, how to save your marriage from divorce, planning husband's funeral, Project: Happily Ever After, relationship problems, save your marriage from divorce, secrets to a happy marriage, signs your marriage is in trouble, signs your marriage is over, tips to a happy marriage
The last tip to forget about fairness..
HOW?
I worked on myself whole my life, in marriage even more, but I feel as if I’ve hit a wall in terms of what can be done by just one spouse.
He sad to me last night that my life with him would be a fairytale if I just were more calculated, wise. I sad that it goes for both of us, and I asked why would I be the only one to “think” and calculate? I refuse to be a pedagogue to a scoolar! We both should be responsable for our own output, One cannot be responsable for his own and partner’s behaviour!
It’s just not fair! And it’s exhausting!
But my huseband thinks that all our problems are my fault, and that he gives me enough of everytihing that I say I feel lack of (passion, attention, sex, compassion, understanding and appreciation).
He is so convinced that he’s all okay, that he won’t even think about what I’m saying.
I’ve been feeling frustrated for so long, and now I feel like “the life’s draininig out of our marriage slowly and steadily.” We are fighting constantly, terrible insults included.
I’m starting to need him less, or not need him at all. And I now that it’s my revenge. He will feel the loss eventually! Big time! But it’s gonna be to late. And, I’,m pretty aware that, at the end, it will be my loss as well. And my failure.
Really good post Alissa. Great tips.Marriage is one of the happiest and memorable moments in our lives. Marriage is an intimate relationship of two people keeps connected together. It is a union of not only two individuals, but also of two different backgrounds and cultures. After a cheerful start of married life, there might be a possibility of some conflicts.
gan izin kopi artikelnya boleh?…thanks
artikelnya sangat informatif sekali..terimaksih banyak
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I HAVE TO ADMIT IT WAS NICE TO KNOW THAT, THAT THERE ARE COUPLES OUT THERE THAT HATE EACHOTHER, BUT YET REALLY DO WANT THINGS BETTER. MY STORY IS A BIT DIFFERENT WHICH THEN AGAIN SCARES ME.WE DONT FIGHT OVER MONEY, OR KIDS ITS ALWAYS WHO DOES MORE AND WHOS RESPONSIBILITY IS WHAT. AND I HAVE TRIED TALKING TO MY HUSBAND AND HE JUST TELLS ME I WANT TO NAG HIM AND DONT LISTEN. DOES THAT MEAN THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.
Thank you for the great article and sharing. It is easy to get into a marriage, but difficult to maintain it if we take our spouse and the marriage for granted. More so with the arrival of kids and the distraction of work. It really takes effort to keep the love going.
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Thank you for sharing Alissa, I admire you for all the effort and hardwork you put to make your marriage work. I want to be more like you, I too have a temper and often say things in anger to my husband when he responds to me in a very cold manner but recently I din’t have the same response I think I am very hurt with all that he has to say to me when he is angry.
He has told me numerous times how I am the biggest mistake in his life and that really hurts even though he may not actually mean it. My husband and I are both very head strong and I often find it hard to communicate with him and he is never ready to listen to what I have to say.
We are in our early years of marriage and I dont want us to end in a divorce but he always finds it rather easy to take me out of his life, I think I find that very hurtful.
I hope I can save my marriage because I have given up alot to be here with him, I hope he does understand that before its too late.
I ask all of you to remember us in your prayers.
Brenda, thanks for sharing that guide, it really helped a great deal. xx
Thanks, my marriage has gone through a rought ime recently, but you have given me some ideas to help to work through our problems together.
Thanks for the inspiration. I am going through divorce process right now and I must say it is so stressful. I hope everything will turn out just fine.
Heya Jennt, your story seems all too familiar, and I’m really sorry to hear that. Out of curiosity, have you tried any of the tips within this article? Alisa makes some very good points. Or is it simply a case of him being reluctant to talk about it?
If this is the case and you feel like nothing is working, have you tried the “Save My Marriage” system? There have been some incredible success stories, so maybe it can help you too. You can find out more here: http://www.SaveTheMarriageHelp.com
- I wish you all the best.
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Interesting and encouraging article. I have my own blog about how to save your marriage (just my own personal experience) so I am always looking for positive stories like this one. Thanks!:)
hi Lisa
What is your blog addy, would really like to ready it.
You are hitting it square in the teeth – a marriage is killed slowly over a thousand little things that make us so tired and exhausted, that there is nothing left to use in solving the biggest problem – inability to communicate.
There is no time or energy available, after “the issues” that always ambush us and knock us on the floor. Couples do need strategies to cope with these times, and much of the time the woman has to take the lead.
I’ve been going through this exact same thing with my marriage for the past few years.
The marriage has always been a lonely one – my wife never wants to do anything, not even go for a walk together or go for lunch.
On our son’s 11th birthday in March this year, while he went to the bathroom of the restaurant we were in, she told me 3 times that she wished I was dead. I don’t know if it was because I’m used to that kind of talk from her along with her constant ignorance, or that I wasn’t going to allow it to spoil my son’s big day, that I said nothing back.
It has hurt many times since then.
Self-analysis helped me find areas where I needed to change. I don’t even go out with friends anymore, as my wife complained about that all the time.
But this article struck home with something when you said that you realised you were (also) to blame for the feelings you were having. I have seen this on my wife’s side of things, and I just wish she would realise and see that some of the things she says and does (or doesn’t do), is killing this marriage. Sure, I have my faults and I’m working on them. I listen to her more and hold my tongue when she’s ranting. I try to help out around the house as much as I can, and spend more time with our son than I used to, in order to give her some downtime for herself.
She still pushes me to sign divorce papers, but I just ignore it. However, as much as my heart is breaking inside, I love my wife very much but don’t know how much longer I can hold onto this marriage. I don’t want to wake up a lonely old man one day, and right now, that’s all I can see happening.
My wife is not interested in counseling of any kind and treats me like I’m a ghost most of the time. I’m at the end of my tether and stay for my son.
When do you give up trying? When do you say enough is enough? I’m willing to work at things more, but I can’t do it all on my own all the time.
Bernie Man 2 Man.. “she told me 3 times that she wished I was dead” That a statement I would take serious. I don’t know how you sleep at night knowing your wife wishes you were dead. Bernie it’ss time for you to sign those papers and move on. You don’t have to be married to raise your son. Think about your health. All stress your putting on yourself. Your son needs his dad ALIVE and well.
What amazes me about women is that they think that they will find prince charming once they get divorced. But really all they well find is a guy like me that well tell them everything they want to hear agree with them about how stupid, dumb, there ex was. Listen to them complain about how wrong her ex did her and boom, I get some easy action. And once that takes place 2 or 3 times, I move on to the next one.
That is why I love divorce women because they are really easy. I know I my be a pig or whatever some women my want to call me, but it’s the truth. I’m 24 and that’s how guys are know. You are the last of a dying breed of men that want marriage. All that’s out there know is players such as myself. I bet right now some woman is reading this saying how wrong I am and that she found a good mate. WRONG. Just give him time to show his true colors.
Bernie, trust me you wont be lonely. The pain will last for a little bit, but you will get over it. She will be the lonely one. Just let her go and she will met someone like me and get used over and over again and she will then understand how good of a husband she had. And when she trys to come back, you be strong and say NO. Becasue trust me Bernie she will have had messed around with alot of guys and you don’t want that drama. Bernie move on and make yourself happy. Your marriage can’t be saved if she is acting like this.
Obviously you’re someone who has not been married. But be careful little one. Karma is a bitch and will come back to haunt you one day. One day you will fall in love with your “Cinderella” and she is going to do to you what you did to all of those divorced women; she will play you like the mini violin you are. You’re right, most women would call you a pig for your comment, but I say keep doing what your’re doing because it all comes back ten-fold. And I think you deserve it. Good luck!
If you don’t take action your marriage may come to a totally unnecessary end. The scary truth is that if your spouse walks out on your marriage, they will meet someone else, and they will leave you emotionally (and possibly even financially) devastated, not to mention lonely.For more free info.http://www.savemymarriagetoday.com/
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This was such a great article. It is exactly how i have been feeling about my husband for the past 4yrs since having our son. Glad to know my feelings are normal and its not too late to save my marriage. Thanks for sharing
Thank you and i am buying this book.
Wow, thanks for sharing this wonderful post Alisa.
There is so much truth to what you’ve said above. As I’m sure many couples will have experienced similar circumstances as yourself. And, I have to totally agree with what you’ve said about making the first move and putting some solid effort into making your marriage work before you can expect your spouse to. A successful marriage is an on-going struggle that requires constant team work.
If a difference in sex drive is the problem, especially if his is much lower than yours, you might find what this woman has done to be helpful: http://lovinglyshared.blogspot.com/
i just want to share my experience how i got my ex back and saved my marriage.. i was married for 10years with 3 kids and we lived a happy life.. until things started getting ugly and we had fights and arguments… it got heated that at a point, she filed for divorce.. i tried everything to get her back cos i loved her with all my heart and didnt want to loose her…she moved out of the house and left the kids..and then filed for divorce…i pleaded,and tried everything ..nothing worked..until someone introduced me to this wonderful spell caster who helped me out.. i never believed in those things but just decided to try reluctantly…he did special prayers and used roots and herbs..within 3 days, she called me and was pleading..i didnt believe my ears..anyways we are happy together now and have a nice life.. the kids are happy..ive introduced him to a lot of couples with problems accross the world and they have had good news..i just want to share my experience.. incase anyone needs this man, you can email him on spellsforbetterlife at yahoo dot com….hope you get good news as well..wish you all the best…dont give up..save your marriage/relationship
I’m a reporter for a large newspaper and I’m writing a story about marriage. I’m looking for couples that would like to share their stories about overcoming obstacles and realizing the advantages of staying married — emotionally and also economically. please email me if you are interested in being interviewed: lisa.bannon@wsj.com
Great post Alissa! I have read Alissa’s book, and it is right on. I’ve never met Alissa, but I HIGHLY recommend this book to couples, therapists, marriage counselors, and divorce attorneys.
Jon
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Besides raising special needs kids, making my marriage work is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. It will be our 21st anniversary this May and although our marriage isn’t perfect, we still love one another and are determined to make it work.
A very insightful post. Thanks for sharing… changing yourself is easier than trying to change your spouse — that is so true and it also makes you feel like you’re doing something to help the marriage as opposed to being stuck in a rut.
I appreciate that Alisa is so candid with her story. I’m sure her book is helping millions of marriages.
Thank you for this story! So much of it hit home for me – and to hear how you saved your marriage is simply inspiring.
Love this story! I wonder how many marriages have been saved because of Alisa Bowman’s advice and wisdom and Project: Happily Ever After. I’ll venture to say a LOT.
So insightful. Interesting to hear that not one couple regretted staying together.
Alisa, thank you for this honest, candid and insightful view on marriage. It obviously struck a chord with our readers. Your tips are great as well. Thank you!!
Nicky–hang in there. I’m glad you found some inspiration here!
Julie–great advice!
Pauline–Glad you enjoyed it!
J-So inspiring! Thanks for sharing that with others so they can find hope in your story!
Chichi and others– Glad you enjoyed this. Thanks so much for your kind comments!
Yours is the greatest success story and your readers are so lucky to have someone like you to teach valuable, workable lessons. You are so right about taking the lead and making things right. Marriage takes a lot of dedication and hard work, and no one but you (and your spouse) is going to do it. It’s so easy to give up on a marriage, and so much harder to put in the work to make it last.
Great story
This post made me laugh. And made my breath catch in my throat. I admire you so much, Alisa, you’ve worked so hard on your marriage, and so has your husband. It’s through sheer hard work and commitment that you are now fulfilling each other’s dreams!
Well said. Just as the little annoyances add up to be a big problem, small kindnesses can have a huge effect on repairing what seems inevitably unfixable.
I hope you sent your friend a big bouquet of flowers. When I had similar problems in my first marriage, a friend suggested divorce. Sounds like your book would have helped me back then. I’m on my second marriage now. I think these tips will get us through the tough spots. I had learned to believe in communication, but the other two had not even occurred to me. Thanks!
Wow! What a story. I really appreciate the down to earth basics about this “it isn’t always fair – get over it.” That is so true. A therapist I know works with couples on changing the small day to day things that bother them because he says you can change those things easily and they often have the biggest impact. It sounds like this is what you did. Very impressive
Love this article Alissa, I’m sure many married folk can relate! Really practical advice as well. You sometimes need to be the change you want to see.
Oh this is a great post! I’m kind of starting to think about funerals for my relationship right now, so this has given me lots of food for though. Thanks for sharing!
Never go to bed agry and discuss things as they come up to not create a volcanic eruption. That’s been our secret to our happy marriage.
Really good post Alissa. Great tips. I loved getting over fairness. Huge.
Alissa this article really hit home. My husband and I went through a rough patch and we almost Lost everything. After a while when both parties are tired and frustrated it’s the little annoying things that start to become a big problem like you said. We went into counseling and it saved us. We aren’t perfect today but once we realized we were on the same team and working for a common goal, it really helped.