Cyber Sex and Your Relationship

By Guest Blogger Dr. Trina Read

A friend of mine came home one day and found her (now ex) husband in—ahem—a ‘compromising’ situation. She laughed recounting how he frantically pulled up his pants while muttering inane excuses. It was clear he was far more embarrassed by the incident than her.

After the laughter subsided her mood completely shifted. In anger she confided, “And then a few months later I found him with his pants down in front of the computer, looking at nude pictures.” There was a nervous hesitation then, “I could never trust him after that. And the mistrust was a big reason why we split up.”

I was writing about Cyber Sex and asking the ‘regular Jane’ how she felt about it. Everyone—I mean everyone—assumed there was something wrong or missing in a relationship in order for an individual to turn to sex on the internet.

Of course this could be true. However, it never occurred to any of them that cyber sex could be a healthy sexual outlet for someone in a happy, stable relationship.

Something else that became crystal clear: cyber sex is a contentious and complex couple issue. Perhaps for good reason; but then again it shouldn’t become a relationship deal breaker.

I can well appreciate that your partner looking at nude photos of bodacious beauties— secretly —on the internet is enough to shake-up even the most confident gal.

However, it’s my belief that the real trouble comes because the average busy couple is not willing to tackle the ‘relationship communication’ necessary to successfully navigate through this.


Here’s the deal with Cyber Sex:

Most people automatically assume engaging in cyber sex equates to deviant behavior. In truth, the stigma around cyber sex comes down to a lot of unknowns which makes it seem threatening.

Plus, the internet is a relatively new medium which, naturally, makes for a blurred line of what is acceptable sexual behavior.

Is virtual sex considered cheating?

Maybe. It always comes down to the people involved. First, you need to assess your situation and decide whether cyber sex is: a once in a while thing; or happens frequently enough to get in the way of your relationship.

It’s a once in awhile thing

You don’t have to like or accept this; but you do have to understand that if you give a ‘you can never do this’ ultimatum, chances are your partner will still do it…behind your back.

Instead, you need to discuss and come to an agreement on a few things. The first being: what does the term ‘having sex’ mean to you? Is it flirting, intercourse, oral sex, self pleasuring? Until you can figure this out, it’s almost impossible to go to step two.

Next you need to set boundaries on what is acceptable behavior within your partner’s online relationship(s) and personal relationship.

Then go online together, just once, to see what it’s about. That way when you have your ‘relationship communication,’  it will be infinitely easier to set those all important boundaries.

Their going online is happening all the time

So you’re in the bedroom willing and wanting to have time together and your partner is busy jacking-off in front of their computer…all the time. This is where you need to sit down and have a frank conversation about how your partner’s behavior is affecting your relationship happiness. If the conversations just aren’t working, it’s time to seek out counseling.

Is it the sex or the secrecy?

I believe it’s the secrecy of your partner engaging in virtual sex that causes the majority of difficulty—if not devastation—to a relationship. I appreciate that it’s difficult to bring up that you want to dabble in cyber sex, but it’s even more difficult to try and resolve an issue of mistrust.

Last word on cyber sex

Believe it or not there are many benefits to cyber sex. Not only is it safe sex, it’s an easy way for someone to discover a hidden desire and become less sexually inhibited. As well, if you think you might want to try out a sexual fantasy, it’s a safe way to see if it suits you.

Perhaps one day, cyber sex might become as acceptable as fantasy or role play; another safe sex way to titillate the imagination. My guess is, however, it will be many, many years before that happens.

Trina

What do you think about cyber sex– is it cheating? Are you on the fence?  Have you ever caught your partner with their “pants down?” Do YOU engage in cyber sex? Feel free to comment anonymously.. Let’s get the conversation going and the cat out of the bag.

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Dr. Trina Read

Media expert, best selling author, sex coach, international speaker, spokeswoman, newspaper and magazine columnist, Sexologist, Dr. Trina Read’s mission is to show couples how to have fun and meaningful sex.

If you are a parent trying to reconnect, then go to http://HaveSexAfterKids.com; or read an excerpt from Dr. Trina’s book Till Sex Do Us Part at http://TillSexDoUsPart.com

Go to http://TrinaRead.com to find out more.

19 Comments
  1. Cyber sex is the same as watching porn on tv and as long as it’s with yourself I don’t think it’s cheating at all. Great post.

  2. My husband engages in cyber sex all the time. He actually begs me to stay and watch. He’s always “in the mood” for sex with me, so I don’t see a problem with him dabbling in it. I agree if they become addicted to the computer instead of their partner then there is a problem. The biggest issue I would have a problem with would be if my husband was having an emotional affair online with another person. To me that is complete cheating. But if he wants to “jack off” as you say every now and then to some blond bombo and still comes to bed with me, then I’m cool with that.

    1. I have to say Elizabeth, I kinda agree with you. For me, cyber sex is like watching pornography. Many men watch it, I don’t think it’s a big deal. But I agree, online emotional relationships are TOTALLY affairs and are absolutely cheating.

    2. Are you also ok w/ him gawking at a waitresses tits? How is jacking off to some girl online remotely ok? Because nobody is around to observe him?

  3. I can tell you first hand that cyber sex IS cheating. I used to check the computer history at home cuz I suspected my (then husband) was viewing sex online and found out my husband was visting all sorts of online sex websites. He slowly started to withdraw from me and he became pretty much absent in the relationship both emotionally and sexually. I too found it too much to bear and the trust thing became a huge issue. We had other issues though too. Your man should have sex with YOU and should be interested in “jerking off” beside you or with you. That’s just my opinion.

  4. Thanks for the comments (usually my blog posts NEVER get anyone commenting–too shy I suppose.) Would love to hear how a couple successfully figured out how to manage this.

  5. I agree with Elizabeth, what’s wrong with watching a little porn. I watch it with my husband and it works for us…… I found over the years, that the only thing that turns me on is watching porn, my husband even put the dvd player in the bedroom so it would help with our sex life….. It’s not cheating, it spices up the relationship in the bedroom, people should try it, instead of being so judgemental,,,,,, go with the flow, you might like it.

    1. The only way it is cheating, is if your husband/ boyfriend in communicating with another person while watching sex and jacking off…. only then is it considered cheating…

    2. Last August, my wife out of the blue says to me she is burnt out and need a vacation. I thought nothing of it, I encouraged her to go. Cut a long story short, she planned the trip with an ex boyfriend, whom she spent five days with on some exotic island in the Caribbean. I had my doubts but could not place it until I was putting out the garbage, noticed an envelope with hotel she stayed label, so opened and to my surprise receipts showing two people stayed in the suite. When I confronted he lied. I then decided to pack by bags and take our six year old son and that’s when she came clean. I am terrible hurt and cannot trust her again, as she just make up stories for no reason. Now here the funny thing, not even six months after her first trip, she is now planning another trip, this time she says, she is not going away to be with anyone, just going to relax for her birthday. And top of that, I recently found out she is having cyber sex with another ex bf…she takes naked pics and send to him and they have cybersex. Up to this point you probably saying why am I with her…there for my son, if i go, his life will be over. I don’t trust my wife and she knows it but she thinks we can fix…no interest. What do I do, leave and let my kid suffer or tough it out for the love of my kid. Yep, I might we writing all over the place…I am choking right now.

  6. I have been in a relationship for 15 years now and my husband watches porn more than we have sex. I have expressed my dislikes about it as it can be about everyday of the week he masterbates. He doesnt like touching me now. He says our sex is boring yet isnt interested in trying anything new. I was always the kinky one in the relationship so I am beyond concerned as to what the true problem is. My husband is not a communicator and so here I sit…loney

  7. The problem is when your bf/husband is having sex in real time he is chatting sexually with another woman sometimes when your asleep beside him yet he has sex with his gf once a week maybe even 2 weeks. So when your partner is sexually aroused, responding, having sexual conversations, and finally ejaculating all in real time with a real live person on the other end of that site, that is 100% betrayal its cheating and it destroys a womans self esteem because he is getting off with someone else as well as neglecting his wife/gf.

    1. I am in total agreement with you. I am.living the nightmare. It has destroyed my marriage. No trust, it makes me ill that he was on several sites chatting and making plans to hook up. Many of these women were escorts..aka..hookers.
      It has damaged myself esteem and turned our lives upside down

  8. I caught my husband engaging in cybersex. A simple click showed me I did not know the man I was with. He took it to the extent of asking another woman to meet up with him. He chatted and said the most discusting things to these women. I feel I will never trust him again. We had a good relationship, so I thought. I now feel he not only betrayed me but 15 years of my life spent with someone I did not know. The deal with cyber sex is if you cross a line your in trouble by the authorities.
    My opinion cyber sex is to easy to access. Under age children our viewing this stuff. My person opinion is if you have to delete it, you have already deceived your wife or partner. Healthy!!! NO! IT DESTROYS RELATIONSHIPS. Simply said technology has made cheating an easy game that in the end hurts people. Here are some facts, many of these women will.meet up with your husband. I looked several up and they live within 3 miles of us. I believe more men are cheating than not. Example Adultfriendfinder is one of the worst sits. You can chat, hook up, and every women should be checking their husbands mobile phone history. I am of the opinion these sits will be the downfall of many relstionships. As for me, there is no trust, I am emotionally crushed, and I think every sexual divent out there uses these sites as a medium. Yes I was contacted by the police due to the graphic nature of his chats. Our lives have been turned upside down. So Our relationship is damaged and may not recover. The authorities are involved. There is nothing good about these sites. They are beyond sick.

  9. I don’t consider online/cyber sex to be cheating. I have been cyber sexing for years on and off letting off some steam and my boyfriend of a few years now does it too: we do it together sometimes. I would never in a million years meet with anyone I meet online nor would he we just like the kinky side. So it wo a for us!

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