A Secretive Spouse

March 23rd, 2010

So we’ve all heard of Sandra Bullock’s motor-head husband Jesse James having some sexy times with a girl nicknamed “Bombshell,” while Ms. Bullock was off filming The Blind Side. I guess with this guy, “when the cat’s away, the mouse will play.” And what about Sam Mendez, husband to the beautiful Kate Winslet? He’s rumored to have also cheated. And we all know about the famous, Mr. Tiger Woods. I’m glad to see you’ve put your Buddhist bracelet back on… maybe it will remind you to keep your pecker in your pants!

cheating spouse

Oh, the secretive spouse. The cheating spouse:  Don’t people take their marriage vows seriously anymore? Now I realize, over time, wear and tear on a relationship can take its toll. Marriage isn’t blissful every day. It takes hard work and commitment to keep the passion alive. But I’d sooner leave than cheat. I truly feel that way. If I was unhappily married and felt like I needed something else, I’d leave.  It’s called integrity. There is something disgusting, dirty and wrong about sneaking behind someone’s back and giving in to sinful pleasures in secrecy. I’m not saying it’s not exciting or euphoric for the person doing it. I’m just saying it’s wrong. So you know, studies have shown that having an affair can give you a high equivalent to that of an illicit drug. I spoke to a woman cheating on her husband, and she said the high derived from cheating was a high too great to give up, so she snuck around in secrecy and kept it going. The daily grind, life, kids, monotony of the routine, exhaustion, financial pressures, they’re all realities many couples are facing today. And I truly can understand how affairs can happen. But, it’s during the difficult moments where as a couple, you must reconnect with your spouse and find the joy, rather than seek happiness elsewhere. Even if it may seem like the tougher route.

And cheating is cheating for me. Emotional, physical, whatever. If you’re texting, sexting, or chatting online with someone and you fear your husband would be upset if discovered, it’s obviously not kosher. Even if nothing physical has transpired. And I remember all too clearly, when my husband and I broke up in the first year old our relationship, 100 years ago, (no, 15 years ago), he befriended a girl (who liked him). Then, when we got back together, he was still keeping up the friendship. Never one to be possessive or the jealous type, I actually had a problem with this one. And I said to him, “I don’t understand why you’re still friends with X. If you need friendship, you get it from the guys. If you need sex, you get it from me. What purpose does she serve in your life?” I don’t know, was I wrong? But I just felt it wasn’t appropriate. Anyhow, he ended the friendship out of respect to me. But I think he realized afterwards that it was inappropriate.

cheating

But how do you know if you’re married to a secretive spouse who’s hiding a possible affair? Here are a few signs:

  • Typical patterns of phone use of a cheater. Does your spouse leave the room when he makes or takes a call? Does he turn off his phone when you’re together? Have you ever walked into the room suddenly and he quickly hung up the phone? These are clues ladies. Does he get angry with you if you answer his cell phone? If you’re convinced he’s cheating, and you’ve checked his phone bills and the same number comes up during his drive to and from work, for example, this is a red flag. Another red flag on that phone bill, would be extremely long phone calls.
  • The computer behavior of a cheater. If the cookies and history on your computer has been deleted, and you weren’t the one to delete it, red flag ladies! Now this is going to sound crazy, but if your partner comes to bed after he’s been surfing the web, and never seems “in the mood” afterwards, he could be having sex with “himself” while chatting with an online friend. I know that sounds gross, but it’s a sign. Also, how long are your partners surfing the web at night? If they’re constantly online until the wee hours of the morning, yes they could be working, but chances are, they are doing other X rated things.
  • The spending patterns of a cheater. Visa bills with charges from hotels, restaurants, flower shops, lingerie stores, perfume stores, jewelry stores. Red flags. Unless you’re the one on the receiving end of all this spending, men have been known to spend a small fortune on cheating… either on buying sex, or buying stuff FOR their sex partner.
  • The physical changes of a cheater. Has he all of a sudden changed his physical appearance and become very vain about his looks? Hair dying? Teeth whitening? If these physical clues accompany other mysterious clues, you may have an unhonest man on your hands.
  • Emotional changes of a cheater. Does your husband seem uninterested in you lately? Have your conversations dwindled to a minimum and you no longer feel that connection from him? Often cheaters detach from their spouses, and begin to bond emotionally with their mistress, leaving the good wife tossed aside, both physically and emotionally. Or has he even distanced himself from your kids? Often they feel very guilty, and they pull back from all family members.

I feel sad giving these clues, but cheaters have always and will continue to exist. It has become unfortunately too prevalent in our society. And if it’s YOU who is the secretive spouse, I urge you to get help immediately. It’s not a good place to be. And on a side note, a word from my mom (a therapist working with women for over 25 years): marriages CAN survive infidelity.

So ladies tell me, what is your take on all of this? Have you ever been in a relationship with a “secretive” person? How did you get through it? Are you still married or with that person? Were you able to emotionally move past the affair, if your were the victim of infidelity?

xoxEDxox

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20 Responses to “A Secretive Spouse”

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  2. LIANo Gravatar says:

    I was actually “the other woman” twice – once unwittingly (the guy was married but lied and told me they were separated) and the second one… well, honestly, I knew very well about the wife. I had kinda gotten sucked up into the party lifestyle of the music scene of LA, and the second guy was the VP of a big guitar company. He was 42 (I was 22) and we were both empty, pissed off people stuck in emotional ruts, so we bonded quickly. He was WAY too into drugs though, so eventually I ran the other way, because he was being reckless about his philandering ways and his substance abuse, and I knew the shit would soon hit the fan unless I bailed. It sounds horribly selfish, but I did NOT want to be there when she inevitably discovered what he was doing. We did not have a genuine emotional attachment, but I did somehow pity him. He was deeply mired in self-loathing and depression. In the end I was disturbed at the fact that I was giving so much to him and, aside from buying me drugs the first handful of times we’d meet up while the wife was away, he was only using me. He gave no care for me as a person, where I was the opposite with him. I was always trying to lift his spirits and make him laugh. I’m like that – when I see someone who appears troubled, I inject myself to try and fix/help them. Unfortunately it was a lose/lose situation all around. Lesson learned. Will never ever get with a man unless I know he is 110% single and ready for a real relationship. This guy took advantage of me being young, dumb, and available, and we share equal blame. The real question is whether or not HE feels any. I sure do!!!

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    My cousin recommended this blog and she was totally right keep up the fantastic work!

  12. labatterieNo Gravatar says:

    They have now been going weekly for 11 months relearning to connect, communicate & trust… and honestly, there are times where I would suggest they get a room, their affection and connection is HUGE – ha!

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  14. Laura says:

    I read this on Modernmom.com. GREAT POST. Good tips. I personally would NEVER stay with a man if he cheated. I could never get past it, but I wont judge people who stay. We’re all different and everyone does what works for them.

  15. TNo Gravatar says:

    TM – in your view, could this be salvaged at this point? Would he accept to work this through?

  16. I loved reading these comments. Very insightful. Thank you.
    Erica

  17. LMNo Gravatar says:

    Great article, but lets not forget emotional cheating. My VERY short marriage just ended…could have easily been saved, except my husband never spoke up. He cheated me out of the marriage that I was entitled to and he cheated me out of the person who I trully believed was my best friend but never communicating. By taking every incident that happened in our relationship, stock pilling it in his head and building a horrid case against me. First thing out of my mouth when this blew up? I wish he would have had sex with someone else, then at least I could have caught on some how. Cheating is cheating. Whether there is a 3rd person involved or not. When you are cheating your spouse out of the respect they deserve, the marriage they deserve and the friendship they deserve whether on a physical or emotional level it’s cheating.

  18. TNo Gravatar says:

    My best friend cheated on her husband 2 years ago with a work colleague. I was in shock that this seemingly happy couple of 18 years (who I admired) could even get to that point as they seemed to have it all. Since I’ve never been married, I could offer what seemed very little help. After months of getting nowhere… I took the risk and emailed her husband (knowing this was against “sisterhood”) and offered whatever I could… support for him, her, and/or the kids in any way that I could, to allow them the chance to repair (of course he already knew by then). I was devastated! But for as long as they were open to suggestions, I was prepared to give it my best shot at convincing them to find solutions, urging them to at least try. Their first round of couples therapy failed… random psychologist took the wrong approach! Luckily, two other friends had been through the same thing (infidelity after 10/20 years of marriage). So I contacted them to see how & where they got through it. Both had been to a certain Argyle Institute?? (see Erica for references). So I suggested it, hoping for a miracle. They have now been going weekly for 11 months relearning to connect, communicate & trust… and honestly, there are times where I would suggest they get a room, their affection and connection is HUGE – ha! Yes, it’s possible to get back on track & re-love again, maybe even better than before… even when it seems irreparable. So there is the couple and their struggles, but also the friends & family who mean well… as I took a chance at breaking up a very important friendship. I see now, it was well worth it.

  19. RachelNo Gravatar says:

    Incredible amazing article. Such fabulous tips and I like your thinking.
    Rachel

  20. JDNo Gravatar says:

    Great blog post! I can certainly relate to the daily grind taking a toll on your marriage. I came very close to a “slip up” on a business trip. It takes a lot of strength sometimes to do the right thing. I’ll leave it at that. Love the site.

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