A Secretive Spouse

March 23, 2010 21 Comments TAGS: Marriage, Motherhood, Relationships, Sex & Sexuality, Stress

So we’ve all heard of Sandra Bullock’s motor-head husband Jesse James having some sexy times with a girl nicknamed “Bombshell,” while Ms. Bullock was off filming The Blind Side. I guess with this guy, “when the cat’s away, the mouse will play.” And what about Sam Mendez, husband to the beautiful Kate Winslet? He’s rumored to have also cheated. And we all know about the famous, Mr. Tiger Woods. I’m glad to see you’ve put your Buddhist bracelet back on… maybe it will remind you to keep your pecker in your pants!

cheating spouse

Oh, the secretive spouse. The cheating spouse:  Don’t people take their marriage vows seriously anymore? Now I realize, over time, wear and tear on a relationship can take its toll. Marriage isn’t blissful every day. It takes hard work and commitment to keep the passion alive. But I’d sooner leave than cheat. I truly feel that way. If I was unhappily married and felt like I needed something else, I’d leave.  It’s called integrity. There is something disgusting, dirty and wrong about sneaking behind someone’s back and giving in to sinful pleasures in secrecy. I’m not saying it’s not exciting or euphoric for the person doing it. I’m just saying it’s wrong. So you know, studies have shown that having an affair can give you a high equivalent to that of an illicit drug. I spoke to a woman cheating on her husband, and she said the high derived from cheating was a high too great to give up, so she snuck around in secrecy and kept it going. The daily grind, life, kids, monotony of the routine, exhaustion, financial pressures, they’re all realities many couples are facing today. And I truly can understand how affairs can happen. But, it’s during the difficult moments where as a couple, you must reconnect with your spouse and find the joy, rather than seek happiness elsewhere. Even if it may seem like the tougher route.

And cheating is cheating for me. Emotional, physical, whatever. If you’re texting, sexting, or chatting online with someone and you fear your husband would be upset if discovered, it’s obviously not kosher. Even if nothing physical has transpired. And I remember all too clearly, when my husband and I broke up in the first year old our relationship, 100 years ago, (no, 15 years ago), he befriended a girl (who liked him). Then, when we got back together, he was still keeping up the friendship. Never one to be possessive or the jealous type, I actually had a problem with this one. And I said to him, “I don’t understand why you’re still friends with X. If you need friendship, you get it from the guys. If you need sex, you get it from me. What purpose does she serve in your life?” I don’t know, was I wrong? But I just felt it wasn’t appropriate. Anyhow, he ended the friendship out of respect to me. But I think he realized afterwards that it was inappropriate.


But how do you know if you’re married to a secretive spouse who’s hiding a possible affair? Here are a few signs:

  • Typical patterns of phone use of a cheater. Does your spouse leave the room when he makes or takes a call? Does he turn off his phone when you’re together? Have you ever walked into the room suddenly and he quickly hung up the phone? These are clues ladies. Does he get angry with you if you answer his cell phone? If you’re convinced he’s cheating, and you’ve checked his phone bills and the same number comes up during his drive to and from work, for example, this is a red flag. Another red flag on that phone bill, would be extremely long phone calls.
  • The computer behavior of a cheater. If the cookies and history on your computer has been deleted, and you weren’t the one to delete it, red flag ladies! Now this is going to sound crazy, but if your partner comes to bed after he’s been surfing the web, and never seems “in the mood” afterwards, he could be having sex with “himself” while chatting with an online friend. I know that sounds gross, but it’s a sign. Also, how long are your partners surfing the web at night? If they’re constantly online until the wee hours of the morning, yes they could be working, but chances are, they are doing other X rated things.
  • The spending patterns of a cheater. Visa bills with charges from hotels, restaurants, flower shops, lingerie stores, perfume stores, jewelry stores. Red flags. Unless you’re the one on the receiving end of all this spending, men have been known to spend a small fortune on cheating… either on buying sex, or buying stuff FOR their sex partner.
  • The physical changes of a cheater. Has he all of a sudden changed his physical appearance and become very vain about his looks? Hair dying? Teeth whitening? If these physical clues accompany other mysterious clues, you may have an unhonest man on your hands.
  • Emotional changes of a cheater. Does your husband seem uninterested in you lately? Have your conversations dwindled to a minimum and you no longer feel that connection from him? Often cheaters detach from their spouses, and begin to bond emotionally with their mistress, leaving the good wife tossed aside, both physically and emotionally. Or has he even distanced himself from your kids? Often they feel very guilty, and they pull back from all family members.

I feel sad giving these clues, but cheaters have always and will continue to exist. It has become unfortunately too prevalent in our society. And if it’s YOU who is the secretive spouse, I urge you to get help immediately. It’s not a good place to be. And on a side note, a word from my mom (a therapist working with women for over 25 years): marriages CAN survive infidelity.

So ladies tell me, what is your take on all of this? Have you ever been in a relationship with a “secretive” person? How did you get through it? Are you still married or with that person? Were you able to emotionally move past the affair, if your were the victim of infidelity?



    1. Brittany says:

      My husband has these signs. He is weird about me checking his phone, deletes messages and history. But every time I catch him before he does he refuses to hand me the phone for a couple minutes, tells me it’s his mom and then ends up giving me the phone anyway and it ends up being his mom or whoever he says it was. It makes me feel crazy! Why does he act so secretive over nothing?

    Leave a Reply

    Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

    Notify me of followup comments via e-mail. You can also subscribe without commenting.