A Man’s View About Sex

March 16, 2010 32 Comments TAGS: Marriage, Relationships, Sex & Sexuality, Sleep, Wellness

Our Man On The Fence has chosen his topic, and is here to talk to us from a male perspective.

Here he is, our very own Guest Blogger, Man On The Fence.

Far too often, a man’s need for sex is not met. By this I mean, most married men, or men who are dating will willingly tell you, they’re not getting enough sex. Either their wife or girlfriend is too tired, has her period or simply doesn’t need sex as often as we males do. For the average man, sex is more of a physiological and basic need than a pure drive for sex.


The physical need to release is apparent in so many ways. Sex for a man releases tension, allows him to rid himself of pent-up stimulants that are aching to be gone out of his body. When a man can “get off,” the charged muscles in his whole body empty out and get ready to accept refilling, waiting in anticipation for the next time. It is easy to assume your partner only wants you for sex, but in fact it is a remedy necessary to allow for free and clear thinking. No joke.

The expression of “blue balls” is not simply a reference of being deprived of sex. It is the culmination of days, weeks or months of not being able achieve release and rid oneself of this suffocating and aching feeling. Ladies, how would you like this? Didn’t think so…  we don’t enjoy it much either. :)


A woman’s apathy towards the seriousness of this issue is troubling for me and many men. Far too often I hear friends who tell me their partner told them “I have five minutes, get it over with.” This attitude, this lack of compassion and understanding make for a very unfulfilling experience. I have heard of women doing their nails during sex! Just like you needs the cuddles and the stroking (in every sense of the word), we need it too. We don’t always want the “Wam bam thank you ma’m.” Because sex and “making love” are two entirely different things.

So probably the most important thing for women to take from this post is– sex is sex. It’s just that.  Making love is an entirely different thing. It is vital and critical that the effort be made to share an environment where that sacred act can be completely enjoyed. Starving one’s mate of sex or love can wreak endless havoc on a relationship. It is immoral, it is unethical, particularly if you are seeking a monogamous relationship. Sex shouldn’t be used as a bonus system for good behavior, it should be used as a critical tool of success that is shared equally in a relationship. If your partner needs it more than you, hop on the saddle and make it happen! Only good things can come of this!


Timing is also everything. Great sex at night often leads to a relaxing and restful sleep. The AMs tends to be a well positioned time to limit sex or worse, rush it. If you do prefer AMs, as many women do, then wake up earlier! It’s a great way to start your day. And in the words of a great lady I know, “Besides drinking 8 glasses of water a day, there’s nothing as great for your skin as good sex!”

Lastly, for those of you who got married and sometimes feel as if you’re looking at a partner who looks like a different person now, try recreating that moment when you knew your partner was on fire aching to rip your panties off.

So what are you waiting for? Get off the fence and surprise your man (or woman) tonight!

Man On The Fence


Ladies, what do you think about sex and marriage, and this “physiological” need to “get off?” Do you feel fulfilled sex-wise in your relationship?



    1. Plain Jane says:

      I’m sorry, the thought of having sex so my husband can release tension and rid himself of a suffocating and aching feeling doesn’t entice me to tear off my panties and make passionate love to him so he can think more clearly. Nor does it cause me to feel an ounce of empathy for the guy.

      Perhaps he could go outside and dig holes for a while.

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    4. anant says:

      Most people dont understand the biology if sex. Women try to justify lack of desire by saying they are tired. However can being exhausted really b the reason for not wanting sex? Ask that to a guy. In fact sex is relaxing and a good session can really remove fatigue. The real reason is hormonal. Women dont have as much testosterone as men! Thats it. Men need to understand that they will need to be firm about their needs and ask their partners to cooperate while offering women pleasure too. At the same time if women dont respond men will need to be men and muster guts to take things into their own hands. Tell your wife firmly that its not enough and tell her you will take things into your own hands. Masturbation is just one way. There are also other options.

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    6. Donna says:

      My boyfriend of 2-1/2 yrs just left me, I think mostly because of sex. He would say that he doesn’t get what he wants and doesn’t get it enough. It sounds like I’ve been withholding sex from him. Actually, I’ve never withheld from him, he gets it 2-3 times every week. The problem we’ve come up against isn’t the frequency of sex, but what’s included in sex. He REQUIRES oral every time, as he says it is his foreplay. And if he doesn’t get it that way, he is disappointed and considers it a bad night of sex even though he got to orgasm. It gets better…….. if he doesn’t get a complete, selfish BJ occasionally; eventually the frustration starts to grow in him. Needless to say, it’s been very difficult to please him. My question is…. wouldn’t most men love to have sex 2-3 times every week?

      • S says:

        As I read another guy write once ” No matter how much sex a guy is getting, he will always want more, and his wife will almost always want less.” I think he is correct. Most guys in a relationship for a year or more would be very happy to be getting some form of sex two to three times a week. If he left you for the reasons you state here, count yourself luckythat he is gone. My advice for you is to save sex in the future for after the wedding. If he can show that he loves you enough to abstain from all sexual activity during the time he is dating you, then I believe you won’t have this problem again.

    7. 18 years old says:

      I can really appreciate your views as they echo mine almost perfectly. My wife got pregnant about 5 minutes after we were married and out sex life has been on life support ever since. It comes and goes, but she is perfectly happy to go MONTHS without sex. We have been married for almost 18 years and I still hate it when my sexual tension has built up because I dread asking for sex. Nine times out of 10 there is one excuse or another. She has also worked out a system of letting me know that I should not even ask if she suspects I may. Just before we go to bed she may say something like, “I’m so tired tonight” and then proceed to watch TV for several hours before sleeping. All of her hints make it impossible to ask for sex without feeling like a completely insensitive jerk. She knows the buttons to push.

      I have tried to explain how extended periods without sex physically affects me but she just doesn’t get it. I don’t feel like she even cares to understand. If I relate it to something she may understand, fine dining for example, she takes it wrong saying that I only think she is there for me to use.

      I love my wife. She is a great mother and for the most part a good partner. I know I am not the perfect husband, far from it. I do however do everything in my power to meet her every want and need. I just wish that she loved me enough to care about my needs.

    8. susie says:

      The situation is reversed. I’m older, mid 40’s, he’s 37. We’ve been together just under a year. We moved in maybe too early, but we are obviously, mutually in love. We’ve always had awesome sex, but his interest in ME is waning and now I am met with excuses and ANGER. I spoke up asking why we’re, almost overnight, not having sex. If I’m honest, the waning interest snuck up… first to go was oral sex, then night-time and day time sex. For months it’s been only morning sex like he rolls over with the woody, but it doesn’t start with him seeing and touching and … now the period sex, which he used to initiate, is disgusting and “no man likes rag sex”. I love sex, I’ve loved making love with him. It’s always felt so connected, but now it’s almost as if he were doing it even though he maybe didn’t really want to? I don’t know what to think, but it’s saddening, humiliating, embarrassing and confusing. He’s otherwise the PERFECT partner – I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend: tender, always affectionate, loving, protective. The other confusion is when he is hurt he retaliates with the silent treatment (which I got when I brought up my feelings about sex, but then followed by yelling and weird excuses). He doesn’t watch porn, he isn’t cheating, he obviously adores me. But daily great sex to disinterest and making sure that when we cuddle our crotches don’t touch? I need a mans perspective and he won’t give it to me.

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    10. Sam says:

      The writer says: “ A woman’s apathy towards the seriousness of this issue is troubling for me and many men. Far too often I hear friends who tell me their partner told them “I have five minutes, get it over with.” This attitude, this lack of compassion and understanding make for a very unfulfilling experience.” But he just said sex for men is mostly a physiological need, entirely different from making love, so if that is the case why wouldn’t a woman be apathetic?

      Giving him five minutes to release himself sounds pretty compassionate to me. I will participate in making love, but if he just needs to release tension he can take care of that himself. Actually, I do understand he has a physiological need- not unlike needing to expell urine – and that is not a process I feel like I have to be involved in.

    11. lm says:

      “I wonder what non-married and single men do to release tension? This man says that men don’t want women “just for sex” and in the same sentence – without saying anything about a man’s desire to be intimate with his girlfriend or wife – says that it is “a remedy necessary to allow for free and clear thinking.” Doesn’t that sound like a selfish perspective?”


      • anonymous says:

        what men don’t understand is that when their wife tells them they are tired they should do something to releive her of he workload like taking care of kids, setting the bed, washing dishes but instead they behave like a big kid themselves, sitting on the sofa the whole day while the wife runs the whole day and then run off to other woman saying their wife doesn’t want to have sex with them.
        this is purely selfish thing to do. even women enjoy sex as men do even more thhan them Men should take up their sides of responsibilities before making comments on their wife.

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    15. chris says:

      Its the same old story! Men want one thing and women want something else! The way to both be fulfilled is to care and show love and interest the WHOLE time not just when sex is wanted!! If Im shown love, support and interest I’ll give sex when ever he makes me feel sexy and wanted! And making love? Well happy to do that anytime!! So its a simple receipe….just that some men only see their needs and not there partners! Too lazy, too tired, too bored to make the effort! And if he cant why the heck should we?

    16. hmmm says:

      Hi Erica, Found your site via another blog and have enjoyed the posts I’ve read so far. I must say, I thought it took some gall for a man to contact you and tell you that you needed a male perspective (i.e. his) on your website. I wonder if women do this on male written blogs?

      Have read the “male perspective” posts and they are just that – one man’s perspective given with what I feel is a slightly preachy tone.

      I wonder what non-married and single men do to release tension? This man says that men don’t want women “just for sex” and in the same sentence – without saying anything about a man’s desire to be intimate with his girlfriend or wife – says that it is “a remedy necessary to allow for free and clear thinking.” Doesn’t that sound like a selfish perspective? I’ll take him at his word “sex is just sex” and assume he means everyone should just have sex more often.

      It would be nice to see a male perspective on non-cliche topics – like “how do men define intimacy in relationships” and I’m curious as to how men decide who to be with for long-term relationships. How do they feel about children and keeping house while working?

      Women already have plenty of other women telling us not to blame our moods on our periods/PMS and women’s magazines/Oprah/everyone have exhorted married women not to deprive their husbands of sex.

    17. Man on the Fence says:

      I am happy to say I never had the issue of not fullfilling my obligations to my wife. Moreover, I know of many contemporaries who’s wives love them, but simply don’t feel sex is neccesary to ensure a healthy relationship. With an attitude like LM, the vicious circle continues!!! You got it all wrong. Make the effort, help reduce the tension, understand it’s not obligation for reward, it’s a mutually satisfying pleasure. I think you should have more sex!!!

    18. Love the comments ladies! Keep ‘em coming!

    19. LM says:

      What men need to start realizing is that most woman enjoy sex as much as they do. The reason your wife or girlfriend may not like it as often as you…she’s not being fulfilled during sex. Everyone is very quick to just turn around and say that their wife/gf is withholding, being a bitch, giving them blue balls, blah blah blah, but sit back for a minute and think about why on earth the person who chooses to be with you (chooses being the operative word) would not want to always be in bed with you (or the couch, or the table, we don’t judge!), it’s usually because she is not getting what she needs out of the romp in the sack. It’s a two way street boys, the sooner you realize that the more trips down the road you’ll get to make.

    20. Teresa Green says:

      Just read this to my husband. We were just married in September, he said well we dont have that problem yet. Plus since he is a truck driver he is only home on weekends so we make the most of that time. LOL This blog post made us both laugh with complete understanding and humor. Great post.

      Teresa and Don

    21. LM says:

      Man on the Fence: When it’s not “mutually satisfying” as you so clearly state above, why would we want it? There is a deeper cause to a spouse not wanting to have sex, it’s not always that they are tired, or they think once a week is enough. On another note, I never said that sex was not necessary to ensure a healthy relationship. On the contrary I think Sex is the number 2 thing for a healthy realtionship, and only slightly below the number 1 of communication.

    22. cialis says:

      I think they are more interested and excited for this.
      Have more feeling then women.

    23. The Man On The Fence says:

      Dear Hmmm,
      I in fact was contacted to offer a male perspective on this site. You are correct there is a preachy tone here, dedicated to people just like yourself who need to be inspired to view this shared world in a different light.I have written several articles, which may be more helpful for your interpretation of what value an exercise like this represents. I would ask that you read the comments as well, maybe then you will get further clarity on the benefits of openess and understanding. As for sex, indeed there is a whole component of intimacy etc…but in general, sex plays a vital and critical role for both men and women ( especially those that are married! ). If you can start with that premise, often that is essential to keeping things good in a relationship. The simple act in anticipation, touching, commitment, intimacy, all are gifts that truly enhance the experience. Speak to older people who are actively engaged in sex and surely you will conclude sex a critical element to keep the things moving along.

    24. Natalia says:

      Absolutely agree with you. Sex is not a just 5 minutes physiological thing and is important for a woman as for a man.

    25. Natalia says:

      I guess a lot of times we say thing and do not really try to say them in a correct way. I think its a main problem. I dont really understand is it a society problem or in general 70% mans problem? Or most often say something you dont really mean at all.

    26. A Male says:

      Wait till you’re married 20 years!

    27. lm says:

      If your wife isn’t interested in sex after the two of you have been married 20 years, please consider the following possibilities:

      1) If she, like you, works outside the home, maybe you are not handling your share of household responsibilities, and as a result she has to do at least twice the work you do and is therefore TOO TIRED for sex. Sex takes energy.

      2) Maybe you suck in bed. It staggers me that this never seems to occur to men, even though they fully concede they would prefer bad sex to no sex.

      Most women, however, would prefer the opposite.

      If that’s not sufficiently clear, let me be blunt — if you suck in bed (especially if you are also defensive if we make suggestions for improvement), WE’D RATHER GO WITHOUT IT.

      Even though if you actually made an effort to improve your approach, we would probably want it more.

      It isn’t rocket science.

    28. Other Side says:

      I think men should pick up the responsibilities around the house… do more to make sex more interesting. But what about turning away from what is wrong with him and take ownership?

      Why not try giving him sex and asking for reciprocation in the things you want?

      Like you said, men would rather have bad sex than no sex… women would rather have no sex than bad sex.

      Give him sex and tell him what you want in return. I scratch your back… your scratch mine.

      Not a reward system… a mutual giving to each others’ needs. Sex is extremely important to men, just like women want love and intimacy. Desires are similar I think.

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