Definition of caustic: corrosive substance is one that will destroy or irreversibly damage another substance with which it comes in contact.
Lately I have been seeing and sensing a greater open discussion amongst my peers relating to the issue of toxic parents. For many years, it was falsely believed that by the sheer fact that your parents gave birth to you, you must love and respect them regardless of how they treat you. There is a point here. Even when you are seventy years years old, you are still a child to that parent. So where does that leave you if you are in the prime of your life, starting your own family and balancing the time between your family, and your toxic parents? What is a suitable amount of time to realize you must make your own way in this world, and therefore relegate those parents to the sidelines?
Parenting over the years has changed somewhat. With continued evolution and progress, we now see a generation of parents who are more involved in child rearing and are parenting in a more unified front. This is wonderful. But if you are in the unfortunate position now to be dealing with toxic parents, you are certainly not alone. These relationship can undoubtedly wreak havoc in your life, as well as the lives of your children. Whether it is verbal or mental abuse, the notion that one must suffer this life trial is ludicrous. Often these type of caustic parents feel they are entitled to push their opinions upon you and your children about how life should be. From your choice of spouse, to child rearing habits, to schools, or even how your kids dress, a toxic parent places themselves smack in the middle of issues where they don’t belong.
Explaining to your parents that they have already had their children, and that this is your time to find your way as a parent, usually leads to no avail. These people are often oblivious to the destruction, confusion and havoc they stir up. Often you’re dealing with a parent who potentially has mental health issues of their own. Surely some are worse than others, but generally speaking, unless you have a truly thoughtful and wonderful parent, you can deduce that they are trying to control your life because they feel so out of control in their own. They are fine with leaving a blazing trail of fire as they crawl back into their own world, leaving yours whirling.
When deciding how much intrusion is too much into your family life, you must determine the impact that this relationship has on your overall happiness and that of your family’s. If each and every time you see or speak to that parent you feel exhausted, depressed and totally stressed…that’s too much! Allow me to say this, as a parent, you have the obligation to protect your family, spare your spouse and free your children from your toxic parent(s). Conventional wisdom of many therapists enforces the notion that because your parents bore you, you ought to accept them for who they are and how they act. Even the most abusive parents can be loving at times! So what can you do if you’re dealing with these kinds of people?
1) Have a cohesive strategy with your spouse on how to deal with the next potential outburst from your toxic parent.
2) Act responsibly towards your children, rather than adopting the same destructive attributes of your parents.
3) Seek guidance from any kind of professionals or friends that you identify with.
4) Accept the fact that these are your parents for life. And although they are are your blood relatives, you still have the choice to live your own healthy and normal life with your own family.
5) Set a goal or time frame in your mind, when you will rid yourself of the turmoil, if it has become too destructive. If you just can’t bring yourself to sever ties completely, then limit the time you see them and speak with them or involve them in your family life.
You owe it to your children to spare them the legacy of a caustic parent. In years to come, when your children are parents themselves, they will have a sense of respect and love for your personal sacrifice. There is no better gift to hand off to your children, than the gift of a bright future with love, happiness and the role modeling of healthy relationships.
Lastly, if you do succeed in balancing and making the best out of a bad situation, then relish in your success. Indulge in knowing that you have prevented the cycle of toxicity from replicating itself to your children. That is the ultimate success…..
Man On The Fence
Ladies, do you have a caustic or toxic parent? Are you on the fence about how to deal with them? Have you been able to work through your issues? Do you have an action plan going forward? Please share your tips.
xoxEDxox
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Tags: abusive parent, caustic parent, frazzled parent, mental abuse from parent, toxic parent, toxic parents
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Thank you! To rid yourself of the negative bullying where the toxic parent controls you as a person and to make choices against the grain of the people who pass judgements on your decisions is a challenging thing to do. Thank you for posting. May we take back our life and stop the cycle.
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I have been on a roller coaster ride with my mother for my entire life. Finally, at age 41, I feel at peace with my decision to draw boundaries. Before, I would have an unpleasant interaction with her, then stop speaking to her for months, and then the cycle would start all over again. I feel guilty when she says she is deprived of her grandchildren, but then I let her back into my life and she makes me feel like crap. She cries to other family members who pressure me to reconcile, but they ignore the horrible things she does or they say,”She can’t help it.”
I wrote her a letter telling her that we could email or talk on the phone, but that is all I can tolerate.
As a daughter of a caustic parent I made a decision in my 43rd year of life to remove that person from my life altogether in order for me to remain sane. I owed it to my children, to my partner and to the people that surrounded me. I also had to set an example to my children that they are not to accept anything abusive from me or anyone else for that matter.
It was a difficult decision to make, but it was becoming increasingly more difficult to live in my own skin while taking the abuse that kept coming.
Today I feel like I have lifted the weight of the world off my shoulders. I wish I had done it earlier, but God had a plan for me and today I understand what that plan was and why it has played out how it has. Coming out of the closet so to speak as an abused child is very difficult. Coming out of the closet as an abused adult is a must. I don’t know how long I have on this earth, but I understand today that I have lived hell on earth to encourage, inspire and protect anyone who does not have the strength to take a stand for themselves against ALL evils, including parents.
Thank you “Man on the fence” The posting will hopefully reach someone and prevent the cycle from happening again.
Only someone such as yourself that has experienced such a mind numbing cylce of events can appreciate the thought you have expressed above. I send you a warm embrace and applaud your clarity of where you have come and where you are. Bravo!!
There is unfortunately a fine line between accepting the caustic parent for who they are, this accepting, vs. not accepting that you have to accept it! Do you get where I’m going with this? We all have problems in our lives, but being someone’s child doesn’t make it an automatic to accept so much shit!
Wow this made me want to cry. I was caught in the middle, between my parents and my husband and children. I am an only child and a mid life crisis baby. I was raising my children with my husband and although our marriage had our problems we had our victories also. My parents both in thier late 70′s became disabled at the same time. Before they became disabled I had limited visits with them to 2 times a month or maybe 1 time a week, they were very controling and exhausted me because I was always on the defense.
Family duty and tradition played a major role in my husband and mines decision to bring my parents into our home. I took on the responsibility or caring for my aging parents and my family. This was a mistake. My parents continued their caustic assault on my self-esteem and I did not realize the pain and suffering it was inflicting on my children. I did not realize that my parents had taken me over and I had turned my back on my husband. I moved him to last. (I am not saying that I was the complete reason my marriage failed, but I had a part in it also.)
I allowed my parents acidic behavoir erode my family, my physical health and my mental well being. I did not know that I had a choice, at the time I did not see it. My children are teenagers now. My father has passed away and I finally placed my Mom in assisted living. The damage is done. There is no going back, starting over, there is no redo. I hope that all women read your column and listen that it is not your fault your parents are toxic. You do not have to take care of them just because they gave birth to you.
I wish I had realized that at the beginning it may have been different for my children and my marriage. No one should make my mistake. Your column is on target and needs to be posted everywhere. All children need to see they are not the cause of toxic parents and you have a choice to not submit yourself to them as an adult.