How To Connect To A Man, By A Man

December 16, 2009 24 Comments TAGS: Kids, Marriage, Money, Sex & Sexuality

By Man On The Fence

He’s back again! Giving us ladies a man’s view on how to connect to the opposite sex. What do you think?

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One of the reasons I have chosen to blog, particularly on Women On The Fence’s Blog, is because I often feel there is a total disconnect with women. I am not referring to myself here, as I feel sufficiently equipped with the fortitude and depth to relate well enough. In fact, I feel so convinced of my capacity to understand the other sex; I agree with women much of the time! I connect.

For many women throughout their lives, their male influences rarely present them an opportunity to understand the depth and complexity of male issues. I think there is a falsely pre-determined notion in society that leads women to believe certain myths; that men are the providers, that men are less involved in family life, men do the cheating, men are strong and insensitive, and men do not truly connect with their spouses. I am living proof that there is a side to men that most women have chosen to ignore or simply do not make the effort to understand. We connect, you just have to know how.

men and women connect

I have witnessed over the years how many women get far too wrapped up in countless meaningless events, which take away from the seriousness of their partnership. Sorry to sound cruel, but it’s true. Some women are so focused on uneventful happenings, that they simply ignore some of the major issues their husbands are facing daily. Whether it is the obligation to be a good lover, son, husband, father, business man, community man or to simply ensure we wake up with a smile on our face, we must do our best to keep our wives fed and happy, our children clothed and sheltered, and ourselves sane. I have done my best to provide all these things for my loved ones. I take my responsibilities very seriously.

And while I shared both my struggles and successes with my ex wife, there were countless things I simply couldn’t, or maybe wouldn’t convey. I chose to spare my family the real toll that the daily wear and tear was taking on me, and takes on all of us men. Many may feel this holding back is the improper way to be… that we are sheltering our loved ones from reality.  I feel it is the burden I bear as a man, to allow everyone around me to get the best, spare them from the worst and absorb the remaining bits of anguish. For that sacrifice, we need a partner to re-balance our shared equity. We truly require warmth, compassion and most of all UNDERSTANDING. Even if you can’t fully appreciate the severity in which your man sees his own life, through his lens, it is important to try. That helps in each and every way.

men and women understanding

Far too often men are thought of as “objective and un-emotional.” This is not true, and this incongruent thinking drives a further wedge in getting men and women to come together and understand one another. The lack of understanding between the sexes can lead to senseless aggravation and stupidity, even amongst the most committed and loving of partners.  While many men can vouch for the motherly and tender manner in which their wives care for their children, most men get the tail end of those feelings, if any. Often there’s little left for us after our wives have cared for everyone around them. I understand it’s not intentional. And I understand the many struggles women face today, especially in these economic times. However, there is the middle ground, whereby the we hope for respect in many moments.

So if you feel it is within your capacity to tweak certain behaviors, small gestures can make a huge difference (I know it is two-sided and we must pull our weight too. I totally get this). But there are so many ways to connect to us; just doing some small and kind things, being patient, responsible and helpful. Just like you have dreaded days, your partner does too. Think of having to switch positions with him and take a moment to decide if that is something you would want to do and could easily do, without melting from the turmoil.

the scream

There will always be issues in a relationship that will tilt the scales in one of your favors. It’s a partnership and life happens. But by taking the time to learn and listen, even if you’ve been together for years, it will pay off handsomely. Most men are simply looking for a small bout of compassion. Many will settle for far less than they deserve. It is up to you to do your part, to put your feelings on the line, put the phone down, shut the rest of the world off for a sacred moment, to love and cherish your man.

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Wow, ladies, what do you think? I am on the fence. I sometimes don’t know how much to give to my man, until I feel my needs are not being met. What do you think about his perspective?

xoxEDxox

    24 Comments

    1. lily says:

      So, I was told by my ex-BF of 3.7 ears that I am amazing, great and inspiring and his best girl friend ever yet he broke off with me. I am every bit a team worker on our kind of relationship. I don’t want him to feel that I am using him or whatever. I understand his minus and his pluses and accepted him wholeheartedly. Space he needed he has plenty . Last year was very hard for me. I was not able to spent much quality time with him as I was facing a family tragedy that affected me much. I did not know how much he suffered inside, he never told me, then Jan. 3rd this year He broke of with me. I was devastated. I tried to talked to him if we can talk things out. I loved him and waited for him to offer marriage but never asked him about it. His reason, his perspective change and he cannot see a future with me. That sucks. The worst thing when I was facing tragedy, he said we can face it together and that 2013 is a better year? He said he felt disconnected. I said let’s give our relationship a chance. We never had a big fight just a minor understanding. I am lost about connecting with him emotionally as I still do love him very much. He was the one who change, I was not given the second chance yet I gave him a chance before when we were new dating. I thought we are now on a deeper emotional bonding steps, but boy I was so wrong after all.

    2. jana410 says:

      I applaud you for your heartfelt honesty! It certainly can be true that women can neglect men at times due to caring for others, particularly children. However, one thing I have noticed about countless couples I’ve known……women will often turn to others when their husbands or partners won’t “engage” – and by this I mean through emotional communication. I think it is a rare woman who wouldn’t love to actually hear her husband say, “Honey, I need to talk to you.” In fact, I think most women would wet themselves in shock. That being said, more often than not, it simply doesn’t happen. Honey, women are told over and over and over, and by many well-known authors and preachers, etc….that men do not want to talk when they come home; that women are supposed to respect that men need to go to their “man-caves” to unwind and de-stress. Women are primarily relational and connect through talking. Most men simply do not want to talk or share emotions so women are told to get those needs met elsewhere. Therefore, we call up our girlfriends, sisters, female cousins – whoever! No wonder women get confused! But usually, all men need to do is simply say, “Honey, I really need to talk about and share some things that are on my mind.” Have any of you women out there heard of any other woman who would refuse such a request?

      I think women get wrapped in what you call “meaningless events” because for us, they AREN’T meaningless! For most of us, it’s the little things that matter! Those “little things” translate into something BIG – at least for us – and it’s called “LOVE”! It’s the little day-to-day things that we constantly think about because we want to make people feel special – like putting a small treat in our child’s lunchbox, or making sure your suit is dry-cleaned and fresh for work, or trying a new healthy dish for dinner, or making sure you know when your next dental appointment is……and so on and so forth. Men, we often feel just the way you do. You put time and energy into work to provide for the family, while women today not only work also, but are the primary caretakers of the home and children as well. If you feel there’s not much left for you at the end of the day – realize that for us, our day never seems to end. Remember the old saying, “A man’s work is from sun to sun, but a woman’s work is never done.” We are often stretched to our limits working, taking care of the children and home – and in some cases trying to take care of elderly parents, etc…..However, I haven’t yet met a woman who wouldn’t love for her husband to suggest a date night each week (or month) or who wouldn’t be thrilled to talk to you in the evenings. We usually think you’re not interested and books and articles we read seem to affirm this. So, just like men can’t be mind-readers, neither can we. But i think all you have to do is ask or let us know when you feel neglected. Both genders need to understand what the other thinks and feels. I believe we all need to be more honest and open about things and to develop more empathy for each other.

    3. Anonymous says:

      What a perfect message to send to both men and women, thank you! It is very true that women do in fact forget that men have emotional needs too. Societal stereotypes about who men are and what they need in a relationship really has caused a lot of damage for both sexes. All this advice given by these magazines and internet sites are frankly false, misleading, and don’t serve as a benefit for anyone. I have seen so many women who publicly degrade and emotionally belittle their partners, treating them like children. I have also seen men who flirt with other girls when their partners are not there, betraying their trust to take care of ego satisfactions. It’s certainly not the majority, but it does happen. For all the men who cheat, most men don’t. For all the women who emotionally abuse their partners, most women don’t. But we always focus on the cheaters, the emotionally degraders, the haters, etc..As a woman, I don’t like to be clumped into the woman stereotype, so why would I do the same thing to a man? It really does seem like we are at war with each other, and no wonder many relationships fall by the wasteside. We buy into these societal beliefs, not realizing that both men and women are human, and both have emotional and sexual needs; women are not asexual and men are not unemotional. Women are sexually suppressed while men are emotionally suppressed; it is encouraged that it stays that way. Also, just because one person treats you with disrespect, man or women, it doesn’t mean the next person will. So these ridiculous claims and generalizations that “All men want sex, they’re just using you”, and that “Women are emotionally crazy and unstable” need to stop. What this does is instil fear and doubt into the opposite sex, and those fears and doubts really do manifest into your experiences with love and friendship. It doesn’t teach people how to respect one another. We need to appreciate each other for our strengths and weakness and come together to compliment each other, not destroy each other! As for me, I’m more of a humanist, so I don’t classify a bad person as a “bad man” or “bad woman”. A bad person is a bad person. The truth: there’s more good than bad, we just like to focus on the bad due to some collective dysfunctional reason. We have therefore been conditioned to think negatively and fear the worst, rather than being positive and love with a big heart.

    4. Sandy Rivas says:

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    5. RONALD says:

      RONALD…

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      • Cindy says:

        I’ve read your piece and actually it sounds exactly the same as any women I know who has wanted the exact same from her partner. Believe it or not men aren’t much different then women. Or at least this women. I am the type to be very compassionate and understanding and am able to put my feet in his shoes. Unfortunately the men I’ve met who are asking for this exact way of being treated simply don’t know what to do with it when it’s given. I’ve been told by many I deserve better…even though I am just what they were looking for. I still don’t get it.
        The only thing I do get is that balance you are looking for perhaps come in attracting the more insensative women to balance you sensative side. At least that’s been my experience. I’ve been less sensative and have attracted insensative men to balance me out and vice versa. Perhaps we simply need to accept what we have and learn to communicate our needs clearly. Withholding strong feelings from a women simply sends the message you don’t trust her to be able to handle the truth. Believe me women can handle truth better then not knowing at all or a lie.
        Just my thoughts.

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    9. Rachel says:

      At the risk of sounding old fashioned I will say that I think many of the issues that face families and marriages today are because women have either chosen to or had to leave their homes and enter the working world. I understand that with the economy the way it is many women don’t have a choice but to leave their babies in the hands of another while they scrape away a living. Regardless of the reason, evidence strongly shows the negative affects this has on children. Teen pregnancies, gang involvement and drug use skyrocket in single parent homes and when both parents are at work all day the numbers are even higher. I think that if people really grasped the value of having a stay at home mom they would find that there are things that can be given up in order for them to be able to do this. Things like buying second hand clothes, not getting a new car, having a smaller house or apartment. People like to worry about their child having the right clothes so that they can be “accepted” in school and be strong individuals. In reality, what will make that child a strong individual is learning that their value does not come from clothes or anything else material. I also think that nothing brings a married couple closer to each other than struggling together to provide a stable and secure home and life for their children. In the words of David O McKay, “No other success can compensate for failure in the home.”

    10. Kamaliyah says:

      I think we should stop looking at just the current trend and economy and look deeper into how our creator had wired us. It s not about who is working and contributing but its what are we made of as – our psychological oreintation.

      Man are made to provide and care, find a means to earn, support and provide. Today he cant meet these demands alone, man are lost

      Woman is made to give love, care and nurture, today her roles are switched. Our wiring is still the same but the current is running all wrongly…hence all these divorces and heartbreaks

    11. karen says:

      what if you are all the things you mentioned and you still get i love you yet not in love with you..gave the mral support..compassion..intimacy..bent over backwards…after 12 long ones and being the chameleon..what say my friend..

    12. hello guys

      I just want to say hi

    13. trickee says:

      You have really great taste on catch article titles, even when you are not interested in this topic you push to read it

    14. Anonymous says:

      He did mention ex wife hmmmmmmmm

    15. Anonymous says:

      Amazing. I love how you always speak from the heart.

    16. Anonymous says:

      I appreciate the insight of Man on the Fence. I am sure that he represents the feelings of many men, including my husband – who has said many times that I give all my love and attention to the kids and have nothing left over for him…well, guess what, Man on the Fence. In today’s world, many of us women are working women who contribute to the finances of the house in a very REAL and SIGNIFICANT way – and have real wear and tear from our days at work as well. There may be women who worry about frivolous things, as you mention – but a lot of us – including myself – are out in the workforce – struggling with complex issues and businesses – and yet , the majority of the household management still falls on the woman. While women are now working and contributing financially to the “partnership”, not a lot has changed on the home front. So, while I contribute at least 50% to the finances of my partnership, I am still responsible for the vast majority of the house management – including paying the bills, all food, clothes and laundry, shopping, meal preparation, driving the kids to school, organizing extra-curricular activities, homework, dealing with teachers, packing clothes, and all the myriad of things that I do – on top of my paying job. You talk about keeping your wives fed and happy and your kids clothed and sheltered? Please – in most houses – there wouldn’t be food to eat or clothing on the kids if the Mom didn’t buy it – with money she EARNED! Our generation of women is doing it all – working significant careers and then gearing up for the “second shift” at home. Yes, perhaps we should be a little more compassionate to our men – but our men should appreciate the many contributions that we make and help out (without being asked). Foreplay for me is when my man participates in the “second shift” at our home – before I lose my temper!!

    17. Lydia S says:

      You men should get off your blackberries and iphones and give us women a little TLC. Ha.

    18. Anonymous says:

      Hi man on the fence. Glad to see you’ve come back. While I agree men need compassion and understanding women do too. I know its hard to support a family and protect everyone but we women have to work too, run the house, take care of the kids, and wake up smiling too! You seem like a great guy but I’m not so convinced its all about understanding. We want our husbands to be understanding of us too. Its a 2way street. Happy holidays.

    19. jana410 says:

      Hmmm…..what about video games, too? I think Man on the Fence is more like us gals here……in that I think we have a man here who actually wanted to talk! My ex wanted me to leave him alone when he was home; he was perfectly content to watch tv, or go play basketball or just nap. This may be an unusual case here; but either way, if he felt his wife wasn’t giving him enough time- he needed to let her know – just like we do with our men (“Honey, we need to TALK!”)

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