The “Joys” Of Divorce – By Man On The Fence

November 27, 2009 31 Comments Kids, Marriage, Relationships, Stress

Our anonymous Man On The Fence has chosen his topic, and is making his second guest appearance today.

I read his Blog post while waiting in line to pay yesterday at Walmart. I bawled my eyes out.

Here he is, our very own Guest Blogger, Man On The Fence…

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As a single dad who patronized his wife, loved her, cared for her and protected her from the daily insanity of life’s craziness, I thought the joys of divorce would be a great way to connect those women, who truly don’t accept, appreciate and recognize how blessed they  are.

I was married for over twelve years to a woman that I loved with all my heart and soul for many years before. In fact, I told her on our very first date that I was going to marry her! For all the reasons that make no sense, she felt there was something more in life, something missing from what we can both now attest to, was a wonderfully loving and nurturing union.

For years I struggled with life’s regular issues; bringing up the kids, being a good provider, committed family man and friend, and yet she was always there. She was a constant. She stuck by me in the worst possible times of my life, staying up late at night, throughout the night, watching me toil from stress, but always there… oh what a feeling to know that there was always someone there.

Now after close to three years of being apart, I have less of a need for that, more of a desire for that, but have come to count my blessings for how fortunate I am that my life is the way it is. We share the children equally, with the notion that they are hopefully deriving the best from both parents. There is no contest of pulling and pushing, just a complete commitment on both our behalves to truly put each other first, so that the children can reap the benefits of having two parents who adore them, love and respect one another, and care for them as they did when we were married.

We share dinners together, celebrate together, speak to one another like the best of friends we truly are. We make a sincere effort to ALWAYS be kind and endearing to one another. I made a commitment to my wife the day we split up, that if she allowed my dignity to be salvaged and ensured we wouldn’t make our lawyers and real estate agents rich by liquidating our assets, I would be eternally grateful and be divorced from her with the right spirit, in the right style. I am proud to say she was sensitive and thoughtful enough to go along with that proposal. She went as far as to say, “You never lied or cheated me, I am putting my blind faith in your hands.”

By showing such consideration for our whole family, my ex-wife is held in high esteem by all of us. While my children witness countless friends’ parents battling to make life miserable for one another, my kids constantly mention and appreciate the peaceful transition we have made for them during this major life change.

Surely nothing is ideal in a situation like this. Surely I want my children full time. However, they do have a loving, caring and wonderful mom that they deserve to grow with and learn from. I couldn’t have done this without my ex buying into the option that divorce sucks, but there is such a thing as a “Good divorce!”

So what are the joys of divorce? Well firstly, while you can pay for a good education, or spoil your kids with all sorts of monetary possessions,  leading by example and teaching your children how to be good human beings with good values, are indispensable gifts for life. Divorce provides you with the opportunity to teach those life lessons perhaps sooner than you might have. My kids often remark, “You are so kind and good to mom.”  And my response is always the same, “Your mom is still the beautiful spirit I loved forever. Just because she felt the need to see what life would be like without me, does not take away from who she really is.” I really do feel this way, even at the behest of those around me who marvel in disbelief that I can truly feel this way after such a short time apart.

If I had to shun her, exit a restaurant, or worse, feel a transmitting sense of revulsion every time I bumped into her, it would only drain me of my strength and leave me with a heavy heart. My children would battle with the sentiments of anger and disbelief that this was the man who claimed to love and live for our mom all those years.

So, ladies, when you wake up each and every day, look at the man lying next to you. Give good thought as to where you both started. Think about how fortunate and lucky you are… if you really do have the right person right at your fingertips. Surely no marriage is perfect and it is the ultimate compromise……but, the alternatives usually are not better.

A Man On The Fence

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Ladies, do you have any words you would like to share with our Man On The Fence?

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    8. Keep posting stuff like this i really like it

    9. John says:

      It takes a sort of conscious “flick of the switch” to change what has become an adversarial relationship to one of mutual cooperation. We managed it and I am grateful for her support when I need it. I do the same for her.

      The boys do see the spirit of respect and cooperation and that is one reason they seem so at ease with the divorce.

    10. Man on the Fence says:

      That was a BIG HUG……..

    11. Man on the Fence says:

      Ladies!
      I am glad to see I was able to elicit such a response from you. Those of you who have chosen to give your husband’s a big, bravo! For those who haven’t re-read the blog!There’s a right way to be and surely a wrong way to be. Be you, be the right way…..

    12. Kelly, I’m gonna give my hubby a squeeze now too!! He’s just taking the babysitter home!
      Erica
      :)

    13. Kelly Duffy says:

      Wow, let’s hear it for the good guys. There are times I find myself seething with anger wanting nothing more than to have divorce papers appear magically in my hand so I can thrust them at my husband. Then I calm down and realize the infraction wasn’t quite what I made it out to be. You make wonderful points quite eloquently. I’m going to give my husband a hug.

    14. Anonymous says:

      Great post. Always interesting to hear a mans perspective on things.

    15. Dear Man On The Fence,
      Thank you so much for being so candid, so honest, so deliciously good. I only hope life gets better and better for you and your kids each day. You sound like you’re doing a marvelous job! Keep up the excellent work. I wish you another fulfilling and loving relationship second time around. You deserve it!
      Erica

    16. Tina says:

      Well said…..how fortunate for the kids. When hurt, the natural reactions are hurt and then resentment. But who do these emotions truly affect? Only the people around them and themselves. It is more difficult a life to harbor resentment then to let it go and decide to be happy.

      My parents divorced for the same reason when I was seven. My mother was not happy. It ended bitter. Dad moved 300 miles away and mom was in search of her exciting new life that really didn’t include my sister and I. We were there but by far not the focus. I always thought that my poor choices with men were due to the lack of my father, but I later realized it was a co-dependency I gained for my mother (as she never found it) that transferred to my relationships with men. Even though I was miserable time after time in my relationships, I knew to refrain from putting those emotions onto my son. Life is good now for my son, 27 and myself 46 but I bet if my parents had not been in their own dramas and aware of the consequences of their selfish emotions, my life could’ve been so different.

      However, I would not have been passionate to write my book,
      “Girlfriend Please! Snap out of it! He’s not worth it!”.

      We can only hope that our words will resonate and get through to women in need of their wisdom.

      Thank you for expressing these points so well.

      I look forward to your next blog.

    17. annonymous says:

      You seem like such a great person. I would love to fix u up with someone. Any woman would be lucky to be with someone like you

    18. Carla says:

      Man On The Fence I am glad you made another guest appearance. I enjoyed reading this post. You seem like a guy who has a real handle on what was an unfortunate situation. Unfortunately not all divorces end this amicably.
      Tonight I will go home and squeeze my husband. You made me appreciate him all over again. Thanks for that.

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