Comments on: To Stay Or Not To Stay… For The Kids Sake http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/ For all Women On the Fence in Life, in Love, at Work it's time to GET OFF THE FENCE and start living! Mon, 21 May 2012 17:51:58 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Anonymous http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/comment-page-1/#comment-18058 Anonymous Thu, 10 May 2012 20:45:11 +0000 http://womenonthefence.com/blog/?p=823#comment-18058 I'm in a very similar situation as you, but my kids are 14 and 8. This is a tough situation that you're in. You're kids are only a few years from being 18, so part of me thinks you should tough it out, especially because of the reaction you got the last time you left, but another part of me is saying you need to get out now. You DO NOT deserve the emotional abuse you're getting from your husband. If you've filed before, you'll do it again. I've done the same...actually twice, and more times that not, I wish I had gone through with it. You just have to figure out when. Do you want to live the next 4 years of your life in misery, or are you going to hang in there until the kids are 18?? I'm sure your kids HATE the way their father treats you. He is supposed to be a role-model to your boys. You staying sends them a message that this type of treatment is acceptable. I’m in a very similar situation as you, but my kids are 14 and 8. This is a tough situation that you’re in. You’re kids are only a few years from being 18, so part of me thinks you should tough it out, especially because of the reaction you got the last time you left, but another part of me is saying you need to get out now. You DO NOT deserve the emotional abuse you’re getting from your husband. If you’ve filed before, you’ll do it again. I’ve done the same…actually twice, and more times that not, I wish I had gone through with it. You just have to figure out when. Do you want to live the next 4 years of your life in misery, or are you going to hang in there until the kids are 18?? I’m sure your kids HATE the way their father treats you. He is supposed to be a role-model to your boys. You staying sends them a message that this type of treatment is acceptable.

]]> By: anonymous http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/comment-page-1/#comment-17890 anonymous Fri, 04 May 2012 15:08:58 +0000 http://womenonthefence.com/blog/?p=823#comment-17890 I am very grateful to have stumbled upon this blog. For years, I thought I was the only one living a life like this. Our marriage really wasn' good from the beginning. We had 3 children, who are now, 16, 15 &almost 14. We've been to 4 marriage counselors, 2 of them came right out and said, you two don't belong together. I filed for divorce 2 years ago, couldn't go through with it because my daughter was so distraught when she found out. I felt that I was being selfish being concerned with my happiness. Two years have passed. My husband and I live in the same house, have not been in the same bedroom for at least 5 years. Our fighting subsided for a period of time but now it is back. Any time we have a disareement, it is never worked out in a mature manner. It escalates to insanity, he throws insults saying I am an awful mom, I am poison to the family, I ruin the family, If Iwould have my hormones checked, we wouldn't fight like this. This morning, we were having a disagreement that escalated, he said to my kids, "look at the calendar boys, its the first week of the month." For years I have been putting up with such ignorance. Telling me I am an awful mother because I try to make rules for my kids, try to teach them to be good, caring, considerate adults? Isn't that a job as a mom? My kids don't want to do homework and I am a bad mom for making them do it? I truly feel I am emotionally abused and I have about had it. I have gone to many counselors because when you live with someone who continuously tells you how screwed up you are, eventually you start to believe it. It feels good to put this out there and get it out of me. If Iget one response, someone to give me a few words of advice, I would appreciate it greatly. Iwish I could find a womans group that meets weekly or something. I am very grateful to have stumbled upon this blog. For years, I thought I was the only one living a life like this. Our marriage really wasn’ good from the beginning. We had 3 children, who are now, 16, 15 &almost 14. We’ve been to 4 marriage counselors, 2 of them came right out and said, you two don’t belong together. I filed for divorce 2 years ago, couldn’t go through with it because my daughter was so distraught when she found out. I felt that I was being selfish being concerned with my happiness. Two years have passed. My husband and I live in the same house, have not been in the same bedroom for at least 5 years. Our fighting subsided for a period of time but now it is back. Any time we have a disareement, it is never worked out in a mature manner. It escalates to insanity, he throws insults saying I am an awful mom, I am poison to the family, I ruin the family, If Iwould have my hormones checked, we wouldn’t fight like this. This morning, we were having a disagreement that escalated, he said to my kids, “look at the calendar boys, its the first week of the month.” For years I have been putting up with such ignorance. Telling me I am an awful mother because I try to make rules for my kids, try to teach them to be good, caring, considerate adults? Isn’t that a job as a mom? My kids don’t want to do homework and I am a bad mom for making them do it? I truly feel I am emotionally abused and I have about had it. I have gone to many counselors because when you live with someone who continuously tells you how screwed up you are, eventually you start to believe it. It feels good to put this out there and get it out of me. If Iget one response, someone to give me a few words of advice, I would appreciate it greatly. Iwish I could find a womans group that meets weekly or something.

]]> By: Anonymous http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/comment-page-1/#comment-17755 Anonymous Fri, 27 Apr 2012 17:06:27 +0000 http://womenonthefence.com/blog/?p=823#comment-17755 i think the parents should get a divorce if their not happy, if not it will effect the kids negitivly. i think the parents should get a divorce if their not happy, if not it will effect the kids negitivly.

]]> By: emilystarr http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/comment-page-1/#comment-15582 emilystarr Tue, 06 Mar 2012 22:52:03 +0000 http://womenonthefence.com/blog/?p=823#comment-15582 I found this discussion after typing in the search term " should I stay for the kids" It's interesting to hear different viewpoints. My situation is that i am 38, two kids aged 8 and 2 to the same dad who i met after a relationship which had left me heartbroken. He was kind and caring and I needed a shoulder to cry on but i knew he wasn't "the one". I got pregnant through carelessness after two months and decided very irresponsibly that having a baby was just what I needed to set me on the right track. Six months into the pregnancy I knew that we were mismatched but I wanted the baby so much by then I kept trying to make myself feel something I didnt. I've been trying to convince myself for 9 years now and have finally faced the fact that I'll never really love or feel physically attracted to him. However we have two children, he says he loves me so I feel like I am the problem. Like one of your other contributors, I drink more than I would like to and it's a way of "coping" with the situation where I am unhappy but feel that I should say for the sake for everyone else. In the equation just now me being unhappy is better than all four of us being unhappy, maybe it would be different if my partner was unhappy too, that might alter the balance. I found this discussion after typing in the search term ” should I stay for the kids” It’s interesting to hear different viewpoints. My situation is that i am 38, two kids aged 8 and 2 to the same dad who i met after a relationship which had left me heartbroken. He was kind and caring and I needed a shoulder to cry on but i knew he wasn’t “the one”. I got pregnant through carelessness after two months and decided very irresponsibly that having a baby was just what I needed to set me on the right track. Six months into the pregnancy I knew that we were mismatched but I wanted the baby so much by then I kept trying to make myself feel something I didnt. I’ve been trying to convince myself for 9 years now and have finally faced the fact that I’ll never really love or feel physically attracted to him. However we have two children, he says he loves me so I feel like I am the problem. Like one of your other contributors, I drink more than I would like to and it’s a way of “coping” with the situation where I am unhappy but feel that I should say for the sake for everyone else. In the equation just now me being unhappy is better than all four of us being unhappy, maybe it would be different if my partner was unhappy too, that might alter the balance.

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]]> By: Anonymous http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/comment-page-1/#comment-12389 Anonymous Wed, 30 Nov 2011 18:10:02 +0000 http://womenonthefence.com/blog/?p=823#comment-12389 You did what I've yet to have the courage to do...leave. One day, I believe I will when my son is older (he's only 2). I also stay because I don't truly know how my husband would react. My parents fought, not always be there were a few years when it more often. I know they love each other, but the fighting did impact me negatively. I can't recommend therapy enough for your children (and you). I have a master's degree in social work and know better than to stay where I am. Please, even if they are doing well now, be open to counseling. Let them have someone outside of the family be there to talk about it. They will heal with love and consistency. You did what I’ve yet to have the courage to do…leave. One day, I believe I will when my son is older (he’s only 2). I also stay because I don’t truly know how my husband would react.

My parents fought, not always be there were a few years when it more often. I know they love each other, but the fighting did impact me negatively.

I can’t recommend therapy enough for your children (and you). I have a master’s degree in social work and know better than to stay where I am. Please, even if they are doing well now, be open to counseling. Let them have someone outside of the family be there to talk about it.

They will heal with love and consistency.

]]> By: Anonymous http://womenonthefence.com/2009/10/23/to-stay-or-not-to-stay-together-for-the-kids-sake/comment-page-1/#comment-12388 Anonymous Wed, 30 Nov 2011 17:58:13 +0000 http://womenonthefence.com/blog/?p=823#comment-12388 I married at 35 as well and chose poorly. we have an awesome child and he's a good father...just a not so great husband. He can verbally abusive and emotionally. I stay for my baby, but believe I will leave if things don't change when he is 4 or 5 (old enough to speak up). As the daughter of an alcoholic mother (not saying that you are at all...but you're worried), I beg you to seek help. Read the book "Perfect Daughters". It will give you insight into the future (for every daughter of an alcoholic I know). It truly srewed me up but I'm working through it! :) I wish you all the best!!! I married at 35 as well and chose poorly. we have an awesome child and he’s a good father…just a not so great husband. He can verbally abusive and emotionally. I stay for my baby, but believe I will leave if things don’t change when he is 4 or 5 (old enough to speak up).

As the daughter of an alcoholic mother (not saying that you are at all…but you’re worried), I beg you to seek help. Read the book “Perfect Daughters”. It will give you insight into the future (for every daughter of an alcoholic I know). It truly srewed me up but I’m working through it! :)

I wish you all the best!!!

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