Hi Ladies,
Today’s post was supposed to be another topic that I have decided to save for next week. Instead, something that happened midday yesterday was the driving force for today’s Blog. I was grabbing a salad for the road and on my way to my son’s school to serve hot lunch to 650 students. Never one to skip a meal, I was waiting for my salad, when I bumped into an old friend’s sister. I actually found out on facebook that this old high school friend recently separated from her husband. Unfortunately, they also have two young children. I proceeded to ask the sister, “How is your sister doing?” To which she replied, “My sister seems much happier and he seems much happier, so I guess good for them, but I’m not so sure about the kids. I have a different point of view than her. Who’s happy? Who is living in marital bliss? Sometimes you have to suck it up, and stay for the sake of the kids.” I told her, “This is tomorrow’s Blog.”
In fact, we hear things like this quite often: couples divorcing after 25 and 30 years of marriage. When you ask many of them why, often they’re quick to answer, “I couldn’t break up my family. I stayed for the kids.”
Is this right? Is this wrong? Is it fair for two miserable people to stay together for the kids’ sake? Depending on the different people you ask, you’ll get numerous answers.
After being spoken to candidly from a few divorcees, I learned a lot. One separated woman told me, ”Trust me, it was worse for my children to live in such chaos and fighting. The kids are thriving now that my husband and I are finally separated. We both have made a conscious effort to create a calm environment in our respective homes, and the kids see that we are finally happy. Albeit happy without each other, but happy nevertheless. And we make the kids our number 1 priority. We come together for the kids’ sake. It’s not easy, but we try our best. We will always be connected through our children, so even though I harbor tremendous resentment towards my ex-husband, I make it work.”
Interesting.
I spoke to another recently divorced father, and he paints a very different picture. “My children feel displaced. They are doing horribly. They are shuffled around. We do our best to get along for the sake of the kids, but my ex-wife can barely take care of our children now. She’s too busy living her own life. I receive numerous disturbing phone calls from my kids asking me to pick them up from their mother’s house, as she is not properly caring for them. They feel confused, and they are suffering in school. I should have stayed longer and sucked it up. I almost wish we could have lived separate lives quietly, but at least I would still be there, and could see them daily. I made a horrible mistake by breaking up my family.”
Wow, sad.
I have to tell you, I see both point of views. Now, I’m not talking about staying in an abusive marriage, or staying with a serial cheating spouse. I am talking about staying in a loveless and/or toxic marriage.
For myself, I believe in marriage. I take the vow that I made 9 years ago very seriously. Call me old fashioned, but personally speaking, if I were unhappily married, I think I would stay for the sake of my kids. I couldn’t go down without a fight. Therapy, whatever it would take to keep us together. I’m just being honest. And for the record, my husband feels the EXACT same way as me. Aren’t we just perfect for each other?? Hee hee! He always laughs, even if we hated each other, he says he would never leave. He says he’d sooner live miserably together. His reasoning; he couldn’t go a day without seeing our boys.
But then I also truly see the flip side. When we marry and decide to have children, we envision a family staying together forever. But what if the marriage starts to crumble? I’m not so sure it’s better for everyone to live in a highly anxious and tense environment either. Someone once said to me about this topic, “Would you really want to set the example for your children that your own happiness is not worth anything? That your needs don’t mean or count for anything?” The more I think about it, the more torn I become. I’m not sure I have my answer. This is such a complex issue, one that I truly feel needs to be examined on a case-by-case basis.
So the burning question is:
“Your relationship is falling apart, or maybe it died long ago. But your children depend on you both for love and security. Should you split up or stay together for their sake?”
I decided that for today, I am not going to give any expert tips or suggestions. Instead, I think this is a VERY subjective issue, and would like YOU my reader, to comment on what you feel is the correct answer. And no answer is right or wrong. What would you do if you had children and were living in an unhappy marriage… stay or leave? Have you already separated from your partner, and if so, how are you fairing? How are your children doing? Please tell us.
FYI, you are always able to comment anonymously, without an email address or name. Just go ahead and type a reply…
Have a wonderful weekend everyone! TGIF!
xoxEDxox
Other articles you might enjoy:
Tags: cheating, couple divorcing, couples fighting, divorce, getting divorced, kids living in chaos, Marriage, Sex & Sexuality, staying married for the sake of the children, staying together for the kids, unhappy marriage
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[...]To Stay Or Not To Stay… For The Kids Sake | WomenOnTheFence.com[...]…
I married in my mid thirties to a guy that met the minimum acceptable standard. He wasn’t great but better than a lot out there. Why? Because I wanted to have kids. We had a short dating period, the first six months of which he couldn’t decided whether he wanted me or his ex-girlfriend. After he finally chose me and I had him to myself, I broke up with him six months later after realizing he was not all that. I went a few more months with my 35th birthday quickly approaching. I talked to him several times on the phone and thought, maybe he isn’t so bad after all. Besides, no one is perfect right? No matter who I chose (and the field was pretty narrow by this time) there would always be issues. So with this level of enthusiasm, I headed into marriage. I got pregnant four months before the wedding. Having my daughter was the highlight of my life. Living with my husband was the lowlight of my life. I spent the first year barely able to be in the same room with him. He belittled me in front of friends, attacked me personally whenever we argued and I found him to be physically unattractive (which didn’t help our sex life). I was determined not to have an only child so I hung on. Not to mention, my little girl was all that really mattered and I felt life with her dad was better for her than being shuffled between the two of us. I had my second daughter and for a while things were better. I think between the two girls, I was busy enough that I didn’t really have to pay much attention to my marriage. I started to have a couple glasses of wine at night before my husband got home. This helped me make it through but now I’ve started to drink enough that it worries me. That’s pretty much where I am now. Loving life with my girls during the day and drinking in the evenings to separate myself from my situation. If only he would go on a never ending business trip……ahhhhh…one can dream.
I married at 35 as well and chose poorly. we have an awesome child and he’s a good father…just a not so great husband. He can verbally abusive and emotionally. I stay for my baby, but believe I will leave if things don’t change when he is 4 or 5 (old enough to speak up).
As the daughter of an alcoholic mother (not saying that you are at all…but you’re worried), I beg you to seek help. Read the book “Perfect Daughters”. It will give you insight into the future (for every daughter of an alcoholic I know). It truly srewed me up but I’m working through it!
I wish you all the best!!!
Me a 50 year old dad i have 2 beautiful girls and love them with all my hart. but the ex wife i can do away with uts been 12 long years trying to make her happy. we were only married for 6 months and her freind talked her into getting devorced. alittle back ground i am old fashion in my beleives but i was raised in california so i do have a liberal side but i dont have the best qualities when picking women. i must of been lead head thinking; after a couple of days she wound up in jail for shoplifting so i split but the little head did my thinking. i have been with her for 12 years the last because of my girls. to cut it short i went through the step dad thing, her 2 older girls treated me like crap and still do, i went through the court and bail out with her, the domestic violence, to this day i have never hit her but she has hit me many of time. Dont get me wrong there has been a few shinning moment but not many. she has always been on welfare and is on ssi. myself i just finished 6 years of school getting my BS. I work hard and want the best for everyone but they dont care except for my girls which want to go to college. she does not have the basic ability to do their school work and does not understand it. i am in a miss i want her to leave but i want the kids so they have a chance and not the welfare life stile. dont get me wrong some good people have received the help and are doing good but the others depend on it as a cructh. sorry i had to vent i am a caring man thanks for your shoulder to lean on.
Very nice post. I’m in a similar situation to a few described above. I want to go away, leave and disappear. I cannot stand my wife anymore but I think I’m staying for my daughter. she is 3 yrs old. I also don’t want to disappoint my family (father, mother etc) by leaving in such a fast way and destroy a family. In a way it is my mental escape, my solution to the problem. I know one day i will do it. Maybe when my daughter will be older and able to understand. Slowly the relation with my wife degenerated. she has a difficult character,she is very aggressive(basically only with me), and she gained a lot of weight. that doesn’t help. sometimes i would like her to understand all this and i tell her about it(not the weight problem) but she seems not to want to understand. sometimes she behaves differently and she is nice but then when there is a slight problem or obstacle she becomes aggressive again. I have had enough. she was not like this when i met her. I m not saying i don’t have any faults but her “strong” & aggressive character and her weight are the main problems and people around her know it. even her father once told me .” How patient you are with her…..” …..imagine…….
well i hope things can change and we can come back to the happiness when we met and before my daughter was born. After my daughter’s birth things between me and my wife started going worse and worse. My daughter is my joy, she is such a beautiful and intelligence kid and i would love to talk about this with her but she is too young and i don’t want to hurt her. I’m a bit lost and feel trapped but i ‘ m pretty expierenced with life, i lived in different countries and i’m already studying the perfect escape to a place they could only guess im there but not reach. even if it was successful for 1-2 days that would be freedom, from stupidity,from psychological aggression, from being fake, etc.
Well, again i want to make it work with her and i would really like her to lose weight. isn’t it possible that she doesn’t understand??
Thanks a lot, feel free to post comments
[...] often, the modern excuse today for staying in an unhappy marriage is “for the sake of the kids. “ I am living proof, that that logic is absolutely absurd. I can attest to this fact from my [...]
I think it is very important as a married couple to work through each issue…it always takes two, though, and both don’t always reciprocate. When children see their parents argue, talk through problems, come to compromises, and continue with life the children are learning that an argument isn’t grounds to leave a marriage…that it can be the first step in solving a problem. It teaches children how to think critically. It teaches them that being in a relationship includes not seeing eye to eye and that the important thing is to work toward common goals.
I say this as one who has had nothing but failed relationships. I’ve yet to find a partner who will work through things without shutting down and walking away.
I am finally realizing after a terrible marriage that there is no reason any child should have to sit and witness their parents hating eachother and fighting all the time. We are supposed to show our kids how to be caring, and to truely love others and themselves for who they are. What greater sign of love is there than to accept what each person needs and bring it to an end before any real trauma is done. I have a one year old and a two year old, i have spent the last two years fighting and hiding tears in order to keep my kids happy. Why? If we wouldve ended our marriage when we first knew it was going nowhere but down hill, I wouldnt need to hide anything from my kids. My son even became violent because of all the fighting and hostility between his father and I. Now that we are no longer together my son has learned that when you love somebody you are nice to them and not cruel or meen. In the long run its up to each couple, however then minute the marriage starts to impact the kids in a negative way, the adults should end it and save the kids the trouble. Remember its like a wound….when u end the marriage its a cut that is clean and can heal correctly, when you keep it going its like taring the cut open again and again for those kids no matter how old they are.
from a broken home I can tell you that the terrible fights my parents had did not impact me like the holes in my heart when they weren’t together anymore. My mother did the right thing in leaving my alcoholic and abusive father. But the negative impacts on the children continue long after the parents move on.
Teach your children that, even though things could not have worked out between your father and yourself, that healthy relationships are those in which problems are worked through and sacrifices are made on both sides for the benefit of the family as a whole. I was never taught this concept I’ve just mentioned…the string of unhealthy relationships in my young adulthood was long…I stayed in the unhealthy relationships way too long and knew in my heart of hearts that the only way to resolve conflict was to leave.
I hope one day I can be in a relationship that is healthy. I am damaged goods, now, in the respect that I don’t know if I can healthily function in a relationship. I say this to you to let my experience brighten a small part of your vision to prevent your children living a life like mine. May God bless you and watch over you and heal your wounds. And may He heal mine, too.
You did what I’ve yet to have the courage to do…leave. One day, I believe I will when my son is older (he’s only 2). I also stay because I don’t truly know how my husband would react.
My parents fought, not always be there were a few years when it more often. I know they love each other, but the fighting did impact me negatively.
I can’t recommend therapy enough for your children (and you). I have a master’s degree in social work and know better than to stay where I am. Please, even if they are doing well now, be open to counseling. Let them have someone outside of the family be there to talk about it.
They will heal with love and consistency.
[...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Erica Diamond. Erica Diamond said: @DrPhil You asked if staying married for the sake of the kids is best… Read this! http://bit.ly/b0XjCk [...]
[...] injustice of the whole thing and simply shook my head in amazement at how empty it feels to live a divorced life, missing these once in a lifetime moments. It was a profound moment for [...]
[...] Be it a decision a doctor makes for his patient, or a lawyer makes for his client. We often have to make choices and decision for others. How do we make the right [...]
[...] whether you’ve just left a marriage and find yourself suddenly on your own having to fend for yourself, or whether you feel your [...]
[...] what are the joys of divorce? Well firstly, while you can pay for a good education, or spoil your kids with all sorts of [...]
Well I’m a firm believer that if you are not happy you need to do what it take to make yourself happy! Life is way too short to be miserable. You should definitely first try to work on your relationship before splitting up. But what if that doesn’t work?? It’s also not healthy to raise children in an unhappy environment either. What, you think that your children don’t feel the tension??? You’re all dreaming! That could cause more damage then the divorce itself.
Yep, I’m a stick to it person. You can choose to get along with someone. Fake it til you make it. If you always think the other has the best intentions that becomes reality. Divorce is horrible on kids. Even when the kids understand the parents were a horrible match. This follows you your whole life. My family is now filled with step parents who dislike me and parents who still do what’s best for them at our expense. I stay connected to them for the kids’ sake. If I were single, I’d so live in a remote part of the world away from them all. lol
if you made it work once, you can make it work again if you’re both committed. (and don’t have mental illness or something else to physically/mentally prevent it)
[...] life. But try and take the time to do what makes you joyful. Even if you are currently stuck in an unhappy marriage, and you’re not ready to make a move, or you’re at a job you hate, and just [...]
Erica, i am with you. when you make a vow at teh alter its for better or worse richer or poorer. to break up a family leaves such devastation especially for the children. i have seen it with my best friend. so i think you have to try and reconnect with your husband. you fell in love with him for a reason. but work on your marriage before you go screwing your childrens life up. its not fair tothem, they are innocent.
I would never stay in a bad marriage. I’m not married yet, but I imagine I could never live my life miserably with someone I fell out of love with. That’s just my point of view.
I know quite a few girls who got pregant as a fix to an unhappy marriage. How stupid can one girl be? Bringing kids irresponsibly into this world is not fair. Whether you can’t afford kids or if you’re in a bad marriage. Shame on people who do this. I don’t know what I would do if I was in this position. Good question. It’s very tough to guess how you’re going to react with regards to your own children in a bad marriage.
It depends on the circumstances that lead to the breakup of the marriage as to what I would do.
You’re too cute Hill!!! I couldn’t live without you either! Even though half the time, I contemplate murder!
xoxo
As the Husband of the Author of this blog, I can hardly understand how she can relate to this subject. I have sweated desperately to create a loving home where both she and our children thrive…..
Besides how could I possibly live without her?
When children are involved, the marriage somehow includes the children, they become part of the equation and the bond between husband & wife is magnified.
Leads to very tough decisions and lifestyle choices!!!
People are free to their opinions, but why are those not in the situation even voicing opinions out loud. THE fact is, many people are in unhappy marriages and miserable but stay not just for the kids sake, but mainly out of fear. Fear of change, because change is scary. And then these same people feel the need to weigh in on this topic and espouse their “belief” that the kids are better off living with two unhappy parents. Well I made the scary decision to leave an unhappy marriage. I am now in the best relationship I have ever been in, with a man who cherishes me and treats me with respect, love and adoration. I know that there are some people who see me and are envious, but rather than confronting this envy, they write to forums like this of how selfish and wrong people like me are. Come on guys, no one really knows what is best- every situation is different. When I am 55 years old, kids long gone from the home, I will be waking up every morning in love with the person beside me. My kids will learn what true love is from me. I hope they too will make the brave choices in life, rather than sticking with what feels safe.