Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus

September 13, 2009 11 Comments TAGS: Relationships

Oh, this is one of my favorite topics! Men. Women. Relationships. Marriage. I have a lot to say about this topic, so grab your coffee… this is gonna be a longie. Considering our divorce rate is something like 50-60%, it’s not a crazy question to ask if men and women really get along.

One of my favorite times spent with my hubby, is when we’re out for dinner. I am a horrible cook (stems from years as a career women and a mother who hated to cook) but I LOVE food. I live for food and a nice glass of red wine. My metabolism so far, all these years hasn’t given out on me yet, so for the amount of food I consume I shouldn’t be my current 5’8″, 117 lbs. My husband on the other hand, can survive on a bowl of Life cereal and a banana.

Anyhow, back to dining together…   If we’re dining alone, I always love to look around the restaurant, and try and challenge myself. In my opinion, I am a very intuitive person. I like to try and guess how long couples have been together just by watching the way they interact with each other and get along. I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to figure this out either. You just have to watch body language, eye contact, physical distance and I think one can tell. “Oh my god, this is for sure their first or second date,” or “They have been married at least 15 years… he couldn’t be more disinterested in her. Look at that!”

I especially love to watch the dynamics of new relationships. Brand new relationships… ooohh… I envy that sometimes. That spark, the discovery of someone new, a first kiss, hours of getting to know each other on the phone or on a park bench late at night. It’s all so… romantic. And I am a hopeless romantic.

Which leads me back to Venus and Mars. Do we truly understand each other? Can we really get along?

Well, if you actually read the book above, Gray states that men and women have such different needs and expectations, that we may as well be from different planets. We don’t understand what the other wants or needs. We give what WE would want, not what the other gender would want. He explains how UNDERSTANDING the other sex is the key to  a great relationship.

I have to tell you, sometimes UNDERSTANDING ain’t my strong point. I often don’t know when to give or take in marriage. If my husband comes home tired at the end of the day, or in a bad mood, my mother (my best friend and therapist for 25 years) tells me I should be understanding. After all, he the breadwinner of the family, has been out all day hunting for his family, and I should, in her words, “cut him a little slack.” But sometimes, I can’t help not being a little pissed off. Why should I always nurture him? Maybe HE should make a little effort. Maybe he needs to be a little understanding of me, and FAKE IT or something. I never quite know where my needs come into the equation. I actually hear this from my girlfriends a lot. We want to be supportive of our husbands, but what about our own needs? Shouldn’t they make the effort right back? I never know when I’m justified to be resentful, and when I’m acting selfish (one of the unfortunate character traits of my only child syndrome). Most men love to come home to a yummy aroma in the house, a nice home cooked meal, happy and well behaved children, and miss happy wifey. I definitely try… just a little appreciation and thank you once in a while would be nice. C’mon honey, throw me a bone.

I sit on the fence with this constantly.

Ok, he’s gonna kill me. I’m making him sound terrible and ungrateful, which he really is not. In fact, he’s delicious, my best friend (second to my mom of course), and my best life partner and sex partner for that matter. But this is really how I feel sometimes. Just callin’ it as I see it.

So, regardless of what planet we come from, there are a few secrets I’ve read about to having a happy relationship, and bringing the planets together.

1) Communicate. Right? We hear this all the time, but it’s true. The more shit you slide under the rug, the dirtier the room becomes. I really think we gotta have it out when the issues arise. There are so many facets to life, that we have to try and be on the same page. This isn’t always easy for me, as my husband is not the best communicator. I of course, am! 🙂

2) Listen. God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we could listen more than we speak. Just let that soak in for a minute. I have to admit, this is not my strong point. I could go on for hours. We’re told to give our spouses the courtesy you would a complete stranger, and let them finish their point. Ok, I know you’re all gonna try and listen.

3) Date Night. Can’t you drop the kids off at your sister’s house, or parents’? Can you financially swing for a babysitter every few weeks?  Hell, I’ll take your kids. But just, GET OUT. GET OUT together when you can! Dinner, a movie, a bike ride, whatever. Do something you both like to do, and do it together. Sans enfants, as we say here in Montreal. Bring the spark back. You are together for a reason!

4) Love and Respect. These are those clichés we’ve heard for many years; never go to bed angry, fight fairly, kiss each other whenever you leave or come home, say “I love you” every single day. And also “do something for the one you love every day.” Just because.

5) Commit to your marriage. Really, try not to be another stat. Quitters suck. I hate quitters. And, I am not saying to stay in a loveless or abusive relationship. Hell no! I am saying, we give up easily very often. Kids, money, work… it all takes its toll. But, if you commit that your marriage comes first, no matter what, you’ll be a better team.

“I love being married.  It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.”  ~Rita Rudner

Well said.

xoxEDxox


    11 Comments

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    3. […] didn’t piss me off on purpose. His surly tone was usually a result of his own inability to communicate coupled with a fear of confrontation. He had no idea I found his tone so scary and condescending. […]

    4. Jody Urquhart says:

      relationship is hard. To me it is harder than any other part of life ( financial, job, etc). My spouse is important and i cant help but feel i make alot of sacrifices. i agree you have to have it out when issues arise, but sometimes i just dont feel like it. i know it will end up in a fight.

    5. […] from the idea that when a man came home to his wife and children, he first needed to go to his “cave” to decompress after a long day. But with more and more women in the workforce, contributing […]

    6. […] him to be, too. Had you tapped me on the shoulder five minutes earlier and asked me to describe my marriage, my eyes would have misted up as I rhapsodized about how my husband was the most loving, attentive, […]

    7. Karyn says:

      I’m a big believer in ROLES. Figure them out together and appreciate and respect each others. Fun reading Er, keep ’em coming.

    8. SummerBreeze says:

      Sometimes just writing it down, or reading it, whatever “it” happens to be, is the first step to looking at ourselves and wondering where this wisdom, or this dirty rug, fits into our lives. We are all, it seems, from another planet, a different planet from our neighbour, our brother, our sister, our lover, or our best friend. We have all seen lives through one set of eyes, and are the actual center of our universes.

      None of what we see, hear, or experience is translated in any other light that that of our own past lives and learnings, or, if not learnings, interpretations… We have no other frame of reference.

      The date night is fun, the trips wonderful, the flowers given for “Happy Tuesday” thoughtful, the door openings and chair holdings gentlemanly, but each gesture is seen through the tinting of another’s glasses, and might mean nothing or everything. Man is not necessarily the breadwinner, he just plays the role assigned to him and is happy that someone needs him, and, if the role is accepted will keep on doing so with no idea that there is another way of doing things, another way of approaching your needs as you see them.

      Be the brave woman and tell him that you need your feet rubbed… Makes a man feel needed in another way. Ask him for a massage, train him in what makes you feel good, and then compliment him on the parts of his technique that you like (if you compliment him on the things you are not crazy about, you will get more of the not crazy about)… Men learn and like to become expert.

      Bring him home a flower, say for “Happy Thursday”… especially if he has done something nice, or got the foot massage down just right. (And go get a flower from the flower shop, do not cut one out of your or your neighbour’s garden, that’s gardening, not flowers) He might appreciate it.. You have done something that looks suspiciously like his role, and it will take him out of himself, even if just for a moment, and he will take time to admire the flower, and you…

      Sleep well

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    10. Grumble Girl says:

      I truly believe putting your marriage ahead of everything else is the key… but it’s also a trick. Quandary.

    11. Anonymous says:

      I am so glad my message came through to you after so many years!?

      Just kidding ladies,she really understands this stuff.
      I love you

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